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Virgin: the world's best passenger complaint letter?
The Telegraph ^ | 03/20/2009 | anonymous

Posted on 05/15/2009 8:54:55 PM PDT by loreldan

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image 1, above].

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in: [see image 2, above].

I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter.

(Excerpt) Read more at telegraph.co.uk ...


TOPICS: Chit/Chat; Food; Travel
KEYWORDS: complaintletter; virginairlines
I thought this was funny.
1 posted on 05/15/2009 8:54:55 PM PDT by loreldan
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To: loreldan

Definitely funny. I’m still wiping tears from my eyes.


2 posted on 05/15/2009 9:01:09 PM PDT by FourPeas (somewhere in Kenya, a village idiot is missing his sidekick)
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To: loreldan

Gotta love the Brits. They can civilly insult you and you will smile and shake their hand and it’ll be an hour later before you’ll finally realize they called you a SOB. LOL.


3 posted on 05/15/2009 9:03:06 PM PDT by Lawgvr1955 (You can never have too much cowbell !!)
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To: loreldan

...it formed a cheese, Richard, a cheese.

Agreed, very funny stuff.


4 posted on 05/15/2009 9:10:08 PM PDT by bubbacluck
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To: loreldan

Worst food I ever had was on Korean Air. Second worst was on Alitalia. Both in business class. Delta has very good dinners in business class in the last couple years, but their lunches are best skipped entirely.


5 posted on 05/15/2009 9:11:43 PM PDT by Kirkwood
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To: loreldan

ROFLMAO!


6 posted on 05/15/2009 9:12:39 PM PDT by Mad_Tom_Rackham (What did Obama's Teleprompter know, and when did it know it...)
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To: Lawgvr1955

And they have humor that DOESN’T involve crass talk.

“She made my name sound like some sort of toilet-cleaning product... ‘Rimmer.’”
“But that’s your name, Rimmer.”
“It’s how she said it!”


7 posted on 05/15/2009 9:13:17 PM PDT by OneWingedShark (Q: Why am I here? A: To do Justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God.)
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To: stylecouncilor

Ping


8 posted on 05/15/2009 9:16:40 PM PDT by windcliff
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To: loreldan

“It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard. “

LoL


9 posted on 05/15/2009 9:17:45 PM PDT by nuconvert ( Khomeini promised change too // Hail, Chairman O)
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To: loreldan
It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING.

Hilarious! Thanks for posting.

10 posted on 05/15/2009 9:29:30 PM PDT by smokingfrog ( Don't mess with the mockingbird! /\/\ http://tiny.cc/freepthis)
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To: loreldan

There’s hope yet for England with people like that.


11 posted on 05/15/2009 9:31:18 PM PDT by IrishCatholic (No local Communist or Socialist Party Chapter? Join the Democrats, it's the same thing!)
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To: loreldan

Dying laughing here!


12 posted on 05/15/2009 9:38:26 PM PDT by Blogger (It is in the religion of ignorance that tyranny begins. - Ben Franklin)
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To: IrishCatholic

Haven’t laughed that much in a long time. Hilarious.


13 posted on 05/15/2009 9:44:49 PM PDT by p. henry
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To: OneWingedShark; camle; Alkhin; Professional Engineer; katana; Mr. Silverback; MadIvan; ...

Red Dwarf ping.

I’m not eating the pot noodle...


14 posted on 05/15/2009 9:46:11 PM PDT by null and void (We are now in day 116 of our national holiday from reality.)
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To: loreldan

I once received a free stainless steel vacumn cup from Microsoft. The handle was missing a screw. I wrote Microsoft a mock bug ticket making a suggestion for an enhancement for “Cup 2.0” via e-mail. They loved it - apparently they had sent out a few Cup 1.0’s and everyone else was rude or abusive. I received a phone call back and two new cups.


15 posted on 05/15/2009 10:38:11 PM PDT by RonF
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To: loreldan

I laughed so much I’m now having an asthma attack. This guy is brilliant.


16 posted on 05/15/2009 10:42:39 PM PDT by ottbmare (Ein Reich, ein Volk, ein Obama! (If you're old enough, you'll understand the reference))
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To: OneWingedShark

I remember watching a WWII documentary, and the British pilot said something like, “... when we crash landed into the water, the cabin started filling with water we started to leave because, you know, there’s no future in that.”

You had to be there. :)


17 posted on 05/15/2009 10:52:46 PM PDT by ROTB (It is easy being "pro-choice" when you're not the one getting killed.)
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To: loreldan

Classic! Thanks for posting!


18 posted on 05/16/2009 3:03:17 AM PDT by kerosene
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To: loreldan

funniest thing I’ve read in ages .. those Brits have such a way with words. It’s 6am, I haven’t quite made it to sleep yet from Friday morning, and am sitting alone laughing out loud. Will probably wake the whole family up.


19 posted on 05/16/2009 3:16:47 AM PDT by EDINVA (A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul -- G. B. Shaw)
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To: loreldan

Good stuff.
Thanks


20 posted on 05/16/2009 3:24:20 AM PDT by this_ol_patriot (I saw manbearpig and all I got was this lousy tagline.)
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To: loreldan
The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

ROFL

21 posted on 05/16/2009 4:52:54 AM PDT by Malsua
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To: loreldan
Another hilarious airline complaint letter:

Seat 29E

22 posted on 05/16/2009 5:05:22 AM PDT by Future Snake Eater ("Get out of the boat and walk on the water with us!”--Sen. Joe Biden)
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To: loreldan

I think this is the funniest set of letters,(also supposedly British) though it turned out to be written by a comedian.

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish.

They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.

The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today.

My instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid.

I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap.

When I got back to my room this evening, found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention, Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper.

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.

I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper.

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman.

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager.

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather.

Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?

All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman.

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.

However, I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper.

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

On the shelf under the medicine cabinet, 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On the Kleenex dispenser, 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

On the bedroom dresser, 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

Inside the medicine cabinet, 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

In the shower soap dish, 6 Camay, very moist.

On the northeast corner of the tub, 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

On the northwest corner of the tub, 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted.

Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip over.

May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

(The comedian was Shelley Berman)


23 posted on 05/16/2009 5:05:42 AM PDT by nuconvert ( Khomeini promised change too // Hail, Chairman O)
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To: loreldan

This has been around for a couple of months. Apparently Richard Branson called this guy and hired him as his director of food service for India or something like that. The Internet makes stars....


24 posted on 05/16/2009 5:14:55 AM PDT by paul544 (3D-Joy OH Boy!!!)
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To: loreldan

If I didn’t know he’d passed on and has no current need for jet propelled air transport, I’d swear the writer was Douglas Adams.


25 posted on 05/16/2009 5:44:39 AM PDT by Bloody Sam Roberts (I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for something I ain't.)
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To: null and void
I’m not eating the pot noodle...

How about some chicken vindaloo?

26 posted on 05/16/2009 5:46:11 AM PDT by Bloody Sam Roberts (I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for something I ain't.)
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To: loreldan

Dude, what do you expect.

It's British food.

27 posted on 05/16/2009 8:39:21 AM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: loreldan
Yours Sincerely,

Gordon Ramsey

P.S. Swear words redacted by my Mum.

28 posted on 05/16/2009 8:42:01 AM PDT by mad_as_he$$ (Nemo me impune lacessit)
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To: Bloody Sam Roberts

A chicken vindaloo and a milkshake?


29 posted on 05/16/2009 9:50:00 AM PDT by null and void (We are now in day 117 of our national holiday from reality.)
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