Skip to comments.Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter
Posted on 06/18/2011 8:15:53 PM PDT by TheDingoAteMyBaby
Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter
Rule One :
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two :
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three :
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.
Rule Four :
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five :
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six :
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven :
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight :
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine :
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten :
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.
Happy Father’s Day!
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: ______________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________ C: A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________ ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________ F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _______________________________ ________________________________ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _______________________________ ________________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
"Young man, please be kind to my daughter, because if you aren't, I don't mind going to prison again!..LOL!
I just sent these to two of my sons who have daughters. LOL!, I’m sure they will get a kick out of the rules......
What the World needs: Parents with original sayings....
I clicked on the thread because I wanted a chuckle.
Unless your name is Weiner, in which case, I will send you and your "package" straight to hell ...
Regarding the honking in the driveway thing - now it is much worse as all they do is pull into the driveway and text. you never know who your kids are hanging with.
and be ready to die if daughter says.....
Daddy my new boyfriend an I have something in common....we’re both seniors !
He’s 56 and she’s 17...
That’s all well and good, but I never wanted to talk to them that long. I wanted them to wonder all night.
When the boy came in to meet me, and he did come in, and shook my hand, and he’d better shake my hand, I would look him directly in his eyes, and in my lowest, and calmest voice say “ Do you know what a Troy-Bilt Chipper Shredder is? Do anything inappropriate with, or to my daughter and I’ll use you to fertilize my garden. I’ll have great tomatoes next year, and no one will ever find you”.
My daughter, in later years, told me a lot of her dates never even tried to kiss her good night, unless she forced the issue, and she couldn’t figure out why. I finally confessed.
When my daughter was a HS freshman, she got asked to prom by a Band Beast whom she, also a band beast, was not too sure of. But she wanted to go to prom, so she asked me to be in the living room, CLEANING MY SHOTGUN, when he arrived for the pre-prom date.
I was. I didn’t know beady little eyes could get so large. :)
But we lied and told him it was a joke, it wasn’t.
However, it also worked. He was a perfect gentleman on that date and on prom night. Normally he was “Handy Andy”, as reported later by other girls. But NOT WITH MY DAUGHTER. :)
Now I have a “Serious Social Purposes” Shotgun that I will be cleaning, God Wiling, when some boys comes to pick up my granddaughters, in 9 to 11 years. If not, my son in law can be cleaning it instead.
Maybe we both should be cleaning guns, when the guys come to pick up the twins? :) I could be cleaning my AR or the scoped G3? What do y’all think?
Any gun cleaning around a young, wide-eyed boy works real well, LOL!
"Uh, Sir, do you shoot that gun often?"
Me: "Only when I have to son, only when I have to..."
What is a Band Beast?
This has been around for awhile. I edited it long ago to personalize it, and not only actually use it for guys dating one of my 3 daughters 26 - 34, but also use it on the boyfriends of my daughters girlfriends if my daughters girlfriends approve - they kinda like it!
This was wonderful. Thank you for posting it. HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL DADS!
Younger fathers could change the Vietnam references to the Gulf War or something more current.
Dated a fine Lebanese girl while attending university. Her MOM held a loaded gun to my head on more than one occasion and told me to “not make any mistakes”.
Thanks for the great thread.
Y’all are hilarious!
Even when I was dating in the early 1950s your rules would have made your daughter a spinster for life!
Sorry, but boyfriends almost always trump dads. I did. When my wife was my 16 year-old girlfriend, I followed all of her dad's rules, when I was in front of him. But when I wasn't, look out!
I'm sure your daughter loves you, but she needs to learn how to be an adult. Caring for a boyfriend is part of that. Happy Father's Day!
“Caring for a boyfriend” = sex?
You sound just like my father!
(I’m now over 59 years old and have never been married. Here’s hoping you take the hint, old fart.)
“Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter”
I have ten simple rules for dating your daughter, too, but I think you may not like them!
A band beast is just a member of the band. Some are of course more beastly than others. Some are downright wimpy. :)
This guy was pretty beastly .. until he saw that shotgun.
You’re kidding right? Either they came in to meet me (I don’t care if it’s a date or just a bunch of kids going bowling) or my child wasn’t going anywhere. That’s rude and disrespectful and I won’t put up with it. Besides, part of a parent’s job is to know who their kids are hanging out with.
My dad was a detroit cop during the 30’s 40’s and retired in 1950. His service revolver was one big ass 6 shooter...My dates had to meet him, he was usually laying in bed reading a book and would conviently have this huge gun laying beside him on the bed....never had any problems with boys...He wouldn’t even look up for the book and just say have her home by 10 oclock....I always was...:O)
Well put! Think I’ll print off a few stacks of these in case the boxing trophies in my foyer don’t send a clear enough message :)
Too cute...just sent this to my son who has three daughters.
Actually, this sounds as much like my daughter as me. She pretty much lays the law down to her boyfriends. She’s been shooting since she was 8 and can beat up most boys that have gone out with her. She’s now 26 and I’m getting nervous that she may never get married. She doesn’t put up with any crap and usually dumps on them. Maybe I TAUGHT HER TOO WELL.
Thanks for the thread. I have only one daughter who’s 8 now, so I’ll need this contract in a few years.
That’s hilarious !!
Or you could say “ Never piss off someone with access to a pig farm. My best friend for years who owns one told me a bunch of pigs can eat a entire human, bones and all”
I grew up in the country. Once when I went of a date, I had to sit in a room with Dad and her THREE brothers all cleaning guns. I got the message. They were also all bigger than me.
I also remember when they would say “Have her home by 11:00” and I would say “I’ll try”.
Dad then said, “Don’t try son, have her home by 11:00. DON’T MAKE ME COME LOOKING FOR YOU!”
When he was 17 he bought a used green Holiday Inn van to get to school and to pick up horse feed. My dad absolutely refused to let him pick me up in that van so he sold it and got a rusted out truck instead.
It was a real lemon and it died in front of our house. He and dad actually worked on it together the entire weekend.
Dad also did the “cleaning the shotgun” routine one night but it just sparked a conversation about hunting and proper cleaning that lasted well past our movie start time. Mom cooked and we all watched a John Wayne movie.
I was pretty sure right then I was going to marry him.
I remember laughing my head off at this piece about ten years ago. My daughter was only three back then....
For some strange reason, this piece now looks more like an operations manual to me, than humor.
(just kidding - sort of. I still laughed, but I think just like this now)
I always liked the sequence from Uncle Buck when John Candy explains to his niece’s boyfriend about the hatchet,the shovel, and the bag of lime in the trunk of the car.
Well, my father in law was a gun guy too. But I don't believe he kept any in the house, they were at his parents farm. In any event, although my wife and I dated a couple of times in high school, I never met him until the summer before college, and at that point the family lived a few thousand miles away. However HE is the one who turned me to the "Dark Side".
Until I started shooting with him all I had was a shotgun, a 20 gauge at that, and a .22 rifle and I'd gotten that because I was tired of buying .22 shorts for HIS father's Browning .22, which I would shoot when I went to the farm. (As an aside, those were the days when you had to show picture ID and sign a log. That PO'd me, so I'd use my military ID instead of a DL)
After I started shooting with my FiL, I got a .22 handgun (S&W 422).. then traded in the 20ga for a 12... Followed by 3 centerfire handguns, another .22 handgun, and 4 centerfire rifles. All are semiautos, except the 12 ga, which is a pump and was the gun I was cleaning when the Beast came to pick up my daughter. :)
Why did Grandpa only have a .22 short rifle? The way he shot, it was all he needed to take care of most any pest, including squirrels way up in the walnut trees, and racoons in the garden. He, and his son (my FiL), and both grandsons (and one great grandson that I know of) were/are deadly accurate shooters. Grandpa would shoot walnuts out of the air. I miss him still.
I read in a science fiction book by an author whom I will not disclose unless asked to, the daughter sent a topless picture of herself to her boyfriend of the same age. When the mom found out she was outraged and showed it to the father who shrugged it off. The fathers response was to have the mother how to talk with her daughter about safe sex and to use a condom. I could not believe the author wrote that and I stopped reading it. If I were the father, that phone (as well as the boyfriends) would go in the fire and I would drive to the phone carrier and “convince” them to remove it from the Internet.
Technology cuts two ways, though. These days I might offer to loan the kids my vehicle. You know the one with ON-STAR? The one where the ON-STAR folks can tell you the exact location and the speed it's being driven and oh yeah, the ability to kill the motor and lock all the doors so the occupants cannot leave?
"Hello, ONSTAR? Where are they? Oh, they're at the beach when they're supposed to be studying at the library? And the engine is currently running right now? Yeah, just kill that engine and lock the doors. I'll be right there."
Thanks for the oldie but goodie. Reminds me of a time I went to pick up a girl for a date. Her Dad was cleaning his rifle in the living room, and I told him I didn’t know that particular model came chambered in that caliber. Turned out he’d had it made that way.
He really liked me, which was the kiss of death as far as the girl was concerned.
Yeah, most dad's really loved me and nearly all moms hated me because they saw me (correctly) as the man they'd always warned their daughters to be careful of -- but didn't quite know how to articulate that feeling without causing undying alienation.
That's why I'm sooooooo certain that God has a sense of humor, because he gave me a DAUGHTER that is a stone cold, drop dead knockout in the looks department. Brains too. So my nightmare that was her high school years was pretty horrific. I lived in dread of the young man who would one day knock at our door and who would remind me.... of....ME.