Posted on 06/18/2011 8:15:53 PM PDT by TheDingoAteMyBaby
Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter
Rule One :
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two :
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three :
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.
Rule Four :
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five :
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six :
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven :
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight :
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine :
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten :
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.
LOL
Thanks for the great thread.
Y’all are hilarious!
Even when I was dating in the early 1950s your rules would have made your daughter a spinster for life!
Sorry, but boyfriends almost always trump dads. I did. When my wife was my 16 year-old girlfriend, I followed all of her dad's rules, when I was in front of him. But when I wasn't, look out!
I'm sure your daughter loves you, but she needs to learn how to be an adult. Caring for a boyfriend is part of that. Happy Father's Day!
“Caring for a boyfriend” = sex?
You sound just like my father!
(I’m now over 59 years old and have never been married. Here’s hoping you take the hint, old fart.)
“Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter”
I have ten simple rules for dating your daughter, too, but I think you may not like them!
A band beast is just a member of the band. Some are of course more beastly than others. Some are downright wimpy. :)
This guy was pretty beastly .. until he saw that shotgun.
You’re kidding right? Either they came in to meet me (I don’t care if it’s a date or just a bunch of kids going bowling) or my child wasn’t going anywhere. That’s rude and disrespectful and I won’t put up with it. Besides, part of a parent’s job is to know who their kids are hanging out with.
Cindie
My dad was a detroit cop during the 30’s 40’s and retired in 1950. His service revolver was one big ass 6 shooter...My dates had to meet him, he was usually laying in bed reading a book and would conviently have this huge gun laying beside him on the bed....never had any problems with boys...He wouldn’t even look up for the book and just say have her home by 10 oclock....I always was...:O)
Well put! Think I’ll print off a few stacks of these in case the boxing trophies in my foyer don’t send a clear enough message :)
Too cute...just sent this to my son who has three daughters.
LOL
Actually, this sounds as much like my daughter as me. She pretty much lays the law down to her boyfriends. She’s been shooting since she was 8 and can beat up most boys that have gone out with her. She’s now 26 and I’m getting nervous that she may never get married. She doesn’t put up with any crap and usually dumps on them. Maybe I TAUGHT HER TOO WELL.
Thanks for the thread. I have only one daughter who’s 8 now, so I’ll need this contract in a few years.
That’s hilarious !!
Or you could say “ Never piss off someone with access to a pig farm. My best friend for years who owns one told me a bunch of pigs can eat a entire human, bones and all”
I grew up in the country. Once when I went of a date, I had to sit in a room with Dad and her THREE brothers all cleaning guns. I got the message. They were also all bigger than me.
I also remember when they would say “Have her home by 11:00” and I would say “I’ll try”.
Dad then said, “Don’t try son, have her home by 11:00. DON’T MAKE ME COME LOOKING FOR YOU!”
When he was 17 he bought a used green Holiday Inn van to get to school and to pick up horse feed. My dad absolutely refused to let him pick me up in that van so he sold it and got a rusted out truck instead.
It was a real lemon and it died in front of our house. He and dad actually worked on it together the entire weekend.
Dad also did the “cleaning the shotgun” routine one night but it just sparked a conversation about hunting and proper cleaning that lasted well past our movie start time. Mom cooked and we all watched a John Wayne movie.
I was pretty sure right then I was going to marry him.
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