ULTIMATUM on BORDERS NEEDED for PEACE

The President of France today announced that he has had a lengthy conversation with President Barack Obama to demand that the United States of America, in the interest of WHIRLED PEAS, return immediately to its 1803 borders.

Secret negotiations about the disputed borders have been going on for some years, and the situation has now become so desperate that the French Administration feels the matter must be opened to the World Community. They will be seeking a United Nations Resolution next week.

Several points were elaborated as necessitating this move, which is of course fully in the interest of WHIRLED PEAS.

First, in 1803 territory passed into the hands of the United States from France by the Louisiana Purchase, which has since been clearly shown to be an invalid contract since the leader of France at the time was a crazy loon named Napoleon.

Second, France is currently being overrun with Muslims who start riots in the street, protest at universities and generally wreak havoc by occasionally stoning a woman to death or beheading an outspoken journalist. The French Govt desperately needs a place to dump these sub-humans, and what better spot than smack dab in the middle of America, where, as every Frenchman knows, there are nothing but cornfields and something called the Mississippi River.

The United States must do its part to help establish a Muslim State so those poor downtrodden people can have their dignity. This they cannot have in France because burkas have been outlawed.

Third, Kook E. One, PhD, Head of the United Nations, stated that there is a growing consensus among the civilized nations of the world that some sort of shenanigans went on in 1803 between that scallywag Thomas Jefferson and Napoleon, or else the French never would have been so stupid to give away the most prime piece of real estate on the planet for $2.47 (adjusted for today’s dollars).

Outrage is building to the point where the Hague is considering bringing up President Jefferson on war crimes. This would be the first time in the history of the International Criminal Court that a man is convicted of war crimes posthumously. Being American and also unable to defend himself, there is no doubt he will be convicted – but it is all in the interest of WHIRLED PEAS.

Emperor, er, President Obama was not available for comment, being on the golf course, of course. In due course he may come off the golf course but it might be best for him to stay on course where at least he cannot cause any more damage.

VP Joe Biden was seen aimlessly wandering around the halls looking for something to do, so he was questioned about this new development, and possible wrinkle, in the US relationship with France. “Well, 1803 was a long time ago, you know, kind of like 1967 was a long time ago for a country founded after WW2. Of course we don’t want Muslims building settlements in Nebraska or Arkansas, but those damn bastards have to go somewhere. I don’t see why we can’t just keep blaming everything on Israel, that maintains a nice international equilibrium.” As usual, Biden was lauded for his brilliant insights.

In the meantime, the Govt of France has declared if the USA does not return to the 1803 borders, France may have to pull out of the joint effort with the USA to bomb Libya to smithereens. After all, this is about WHIRLED PEAS.

NATO has called an emergency session to discuss whether a NO-FLY ZONE should be established over the disputed 1803 borders. This territory would comprise what is generally called in the US “the Midwest.”

As a precaution, the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers has been ordered to develop a precise map of the 1803 borders, inclusive of any current major metropolitan areas, just in case the residents of those cities need to be relocated to Indian Reservations.

Great satire!

On a more spurious note, I say that any disputed territory currently within the borders of the USA is indisputably ours, either by right of conquest or because we honestly swindled some bungling foreign gov't out of it!

Just look at world history. The English, for example, who were actually Romanized Gaelics, (before which they were a warring mix of Celts, Iceni, Bethons, and Scots (who came from Ireland before it was Irish), made a deal with the Saxons to protect them from other potential invaders. In exchange, they got Wessex (West Saxony), Essex, and Sussex, (while America ended up with Middlesex according to Tennyson)!

The point I am trying to make is not very clear, but then again neither is world history, so I believe I have my priorities aligned with the flow of events, if not with the flow of logic, which was invented by Aristotle but has been rarely used since that time. As the tutor of the greatest "Right of Conquest" advocate of all time, perhaps citing The Philosopher will bolster my case, if I can find one to make. In any case, Alexander the Great surely established for all time the rule of "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too if I can wrest it away from you." And that's the rule we should follow, as long as we are winning.

In the Mideast (which can mean various places from Morocco to the Philippines), the case is equally clear. Those who were their firstest with the mostest have an inalienable right to their land until unseated by those there nextest with a larger host of warriors. The land currently occupied by the state of Israel is disputed the mostest, because it has changed hand the oftenest. The USA, led around by the nose by its NATO allies, holds the balance of power. Whatever we say goes, unless vehemently denounced at the UN, or on Al Jazzera, or the NYT, or on national TV by PM Netanyahu tweeking the nose of our poor POTUS, who is only trying to act in the best interests of the USA and "all oppressed people of the world, regardless of whether they are named Muhammed, Mohammed, or 'just call me Al' Al Zaquari."

Thus having hammered home the point, I leave you and all spurious thingers to ponder the wisdom of placing power over diplomacy in light of what somebody who is famous said about diplomacy being an extension of war by other means.

Have a good week, all of you! -- ARFAR

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