feh... let the useless eater file down his canine teeth then and become his inner bovine
Posted on 11/24/2011 11:59:19 AM PST by nickcarraway
Thanksgiving is upon us. I once loved this holiday above all others — but no more.
The day was an excuse for a gathering of the clan, without religious significance or pressure to buy everybody a useless present.
It was essentially a festival of food.
In my family, the menfolk would assemble in the living room to argue politics or football. Meanwhile, the women, supervised by the oldest among them, would engineer the meal in the kitchen.
We’d all meet at the dining room table, representing as many as four generations, and conduct the ritual of the turkey.
Oh yes, there was turkey. And ham, perhaps, as well as mashed potatoes, yams, cranberry sauce, and thick, brown gravy.
At least that’s the way it was at our house. Strays and friends orphaned by distance from their homes were always welcome. It was, as I said, my favorite holiday. Ozzie and Harriet would have been jealous.
Now, however, my wife and I have become vegans. Our Thanksgiving dinner will feature no turkey or ham. It will feature … vegetables.
That’s what vegans eat — vegetables. “Nothing with a face,” my stormtrooper vegan sister-in-law is fond of saying.
Which is nice for the fish and fowl, but I feel terrible. Not having turkey at Thanksgiving is akin to an un-American activity. Even if historians aren’t certain that Miles Standish and his crew ate turkey on Thanksgiving, it’s a virtually sacred tradition in this country. How dare the vegan Mafia I live among undermine that noble tradition?
That argument has gotten me nowhere. It’s for my own good, they tell me.
There’s no doubt I will enjoy the meal. I married a good cook from a family of good cooks. But still.
It’s not the turkey, actually. I’m not sure I’ve ever eaten turkey except on Thanksgiving. It’s the principle of the thing, a thread of memory that reaches back into childhood when you sat at the card-table adjoining the big table until you’d reached a certain seniority. It was a big deal, moving to the big table.
It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if what you found when you got there was broccoli.
I suppose we’ll have meatless lasagna — always a reliable substitute — or some such. Tofu, maybe. Whoopee. (Tofu is a high-protein meat substitute made out of recycled newspapers.)
I’m thinking of carving a turkey out of balsa wood as a centerpiece for the table. Or maybe one made of paper maché.
Or maybe I won’t. I’d be tempted to eat it.
But all is not lost. We still have the Thanksgiving tradition of giving thanks for our blessings. Religious people give thanks to their God, non-believers to the Unknowable Void that makes things happen for reasons of its own.
This year I’m giving the Void thanks for the Republican slate of presidential hopefuls — Mitt, Newt, Michele, Rick, Herman, and Barney Fife. (Oops, sorry Mr. Paul. That was a slip of the tongue. Happy holidays to you, sir.)
We poor ink-stained wretches are a lonely lot, sitting in our cell-like rooms, staring for hours on end at our computers, making things up. It’s a hard job.
Candidates like the ones courting Republican voters cheer us up. Without them we’d be reduced to writing about the balance of payments, the threat of a Greek economic collapse, or the latest Kardashian divorce.
Instead we get to glory in Herman Cain’s … Herman Cainishness. Or Rick Perry’s bizarre performance recently in New Hampshire, where he resembled the tipsy host of a children’s program, talking to 8-year olds.
As one blogger put it: “The best case scenario is that he was drunk. The worst case is that he was sober, but drunk for all of his other appearances.“
The Republicans are a gift that keeps on giving. Thank you GOP, from the bottom of my tofu-glazed heart.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Man up and get a turkey!
Kaul was a communist in Des Moines and has gone downhill from there. His biggest claim to fame was writing “funny” articles about high school girls’ basketball. Perv in sheep’s clothing.
It sounds like the decision to be a vegan was his wife's idea (egged on by her sister), rather than his own, and he does not like it.
I would just tell my wife's side "Be as vegan as you want, I'm making myself a steak".
My daughter's best friend is a vegan, but she does not demand that anybody else be vegan. When she eats over at our place, we just make sure to make some veggie sides that she can eat. Sometimes macs & cheese.
Turkey doesn’t break as many vegans as does bacon, and there’s a reason. People have taste buds for salty, sweet, bitter, sour, and a fifth taste, called “umami” or “savory”.
Bacon is unique in that it has 6 different kinds of savory in it. While most meats have some of 1 kind, and anchovies have about 4 kinds bacon is the home run of savory.
Now imagine what it would be like if your food lacked one of the other four tastes. After a while, you would totally crave it.
This year I’m giving the Void thanks...
Good luck with that.
What liberal claptrap!!!!
He talks about a vegan Thanksgiving, then moves on to slamming the Republican party, and how thankful he is for the foibles and gaffes of Republicans.
I’m sure this dude never ever saw any flaws or gaffes from Mr. Barack Hussein Obama. No siree................
Just curious, can anyone think of anything that has not become politicized?
Unfortunately, I think everything has that potential these days.
Was apparently a lefty vegan-in-waiting for a long time.
If someone is eating mac and cheese, they are NOT vegans. They are lacto-vegetarians. My brother’s wife and their girls are lacto-vegetarian. Not as difficult to accommodate dietarily as vegans. Still, today was one of the few times since my brother got married 15 years ago that he got to eat a fresh, hot turkey. Usually we save him some leftovers. I would seriously advise anyone contemplating marrying a vegetarian to consider the consequences. It is just as serious as marrying someone from another religion...which my brother also did...her family is Hindu. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Being vegan is a very unhealthy lifestyle.
Happy Thanksgiving
That's because our glorious President never makes any flaws or gaffes, u sillyhead!!!! Stop calling my husband blind!!!!! He sees things perfectly...that's why he married ME!!! :) :) :)
Now excuse me while I finish our vegan gravy!!! None of our non-vegan guests touched it--that just means more for us!!!!!! ;) ;) ;)
feh... let the useless eater file down his canine teeth then and become his inner bovine
Actually if you do it right, it can be very healthy. If you do it wrong, then yes, it is a very unhealthy lifestyle.
———it can be very healthy——
Many vegans suffer from severe rotator cuff disintegration.
It is the result of constantly patting themselves on the back ‘cause they’re vegans
We are your testicles. We do not know why you abandoned us but we wish you a very happy life without us. Pay no attention to the fact that the people you are laughing at are having a great time laughing at you.
The Boys
My best friend has been vegan for as long I can remember and she never pressures us to stop eating meat. Matter of fact, she is honored that we include vegan dishes as family dinners and even will fire up the grill for some meat for us meat eaters.
I never understood those vigilante vegans.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.