Ugly American Cars (My Vanity Rant)

count-your-change | 9/9/2012 | count-your-change

[count-your-change]

It's that time of year. The auto dealers face a wave of 2013 vehicles and must clear out the 2012 models to make room and avoid the inventory tax where it exists. Pretty much the same as last year and if you're in the market for a car you might be able to strike a good deal for brand new one year old car.

But one thing you might have trouble finding is an American auto that is NOT just plain ugly. Ugly and uninspired, ugly and bland, ugly and really ugly seems to be the rule.

I offer in evidence the 2013 Chevrolet Spark. No, I won't post a picture, I'll have mercy on the people that love the classics.

Firstly the front end looks like most other econo thumpers in the $15,000 range, squinty eye, swept back head lights and an overly busy grill area framed in plastic. PLastic! I'm sure it would hold up to an impact with cotton candy fairly well but anything tougher will require a call to your insurance agent.

Open the door and experience the true ugliness of today's offerings: Their tiny entrances. All you have to do is turn backwards, bend double and hope your knees will bend enough to allow you to drag your feet in. Wonderful! Now try getting out.

Moving to the rear of the typical new car gives the impression that the designers just gave up and tried to get the thing finished so they could leave early at the end of the week. Just hit the computer key that says, "Add some lights and acres of plastic" and punch out for the weekend.

But one may object, "You get what what you pay for." You sure do!

Consider the 2013 Chevrolet Corvette. The same squinty eye, wrap around head lights and the rest of the cars exterior a study in blandness, a bar of soap worn down to roundness with a couple of tail lights to keep the drivers behind from falling asleep just looking at the car.

For this you can pay handsomely, up to a hundred grand if you're a wealthy masochist or believe the slinky women in the commercial will ignore your double chins and "portly" avoirdupois. In case they don't the car does go fast so you'll be able to leave that embarrassing situation quickly and feel the breeze in your Hair Club for Men.

Me? The last car that I truly enjoyed driving and found really comfortable was my 1975 Ford LTD. It was big, heavy, feared no car on the road and ate at least one Fiat. And it had character by the ton.

If I were inclined to spend fifteen to twenty grand on a car today I would find one of the older models that were like Cleopatra's barge on wheels and have it restored or at least made serviceable.

The ugliness, the blandness, the uninspired sameness of today's auto designs is, what I believe, drives the popularity of the restoration market. What else would drive a person to pay thousands of dollars for a rusty, thirty or forty year old car and spend tens of thousands of dollars restoring it to its new condition when it sold for under three thousand dollars?

I would go kick a new car's tires but I'm afraid one kick might total it.

[Salamander]

Yup...they were good at that, too.

[but mine lasted a lot longer]

The AMC Pacer is what happens if you blow on the tail pipe of a Gremlin.

[Salamander]

I also had an AMC Spirit for a while.

[A glorified Gremlin mod with 4WD]

Man, that was a fun car for a hillbilly broad.

;D

[Kickass Conservative]

8. NO ‘B’ Pillar.

If the new Camaro and Challenger didn't have the stupid “B” Pillar, with the dinky side rear window, they would look awesome, or pretty good anyway. LOL

If you look back at the 60 era Muscle Car Coupes, including the Impala / Caprice, having that uninterrupted open window space made the look of the car. My Buddy's Father had a Black 67 Impala 396 SS that I loved as much as my 69 Chevelle. It would be one of my Lotto Cars for sure.

The Feds mandate Roof Strength and people can still by Convertibles. Makes sense to me

[count-your-change]

I think some of the first T-Birds were outstanding in their styling as well. But for every Shelby there is a gray man in a gray cubicle thinking gray thoughts so as not to frighten his bosses.
Usually the gray men get their way.

[Cowman]

The AMC Pacer is what happens if you blow on the tail pipe of a Gremlin

Reminds me of the old joke about the hippie anarchist that got lip burns when he tried to blow up a bus

[count-your-change]

Yep, the dieseling effect. One way to kill it was to hold the gas down and the extra rich mix would cause a cylinder to fire against another in compression. Very risky for head gaskets but otherwise they would shake like some of the six bangers.

[central_va]

remember how bad it smelled after a car had been dieseling....

[central_va]

B-Pillars are stupid.

[Seizethecarp]

I can't verify this with a web search but the 1959 Chevy was supposedly banned from the New Jersey Turnpike because the fins created aerodynamic lift causing the rear end of the cars to lift up and flip over at turnpike speeds.

My mind may be playing tricks on me but I think I can remember seeing the 1959 Chevy listed as a banned vehicle on an NJT toll ticket. This would have been in the late 1960’s or early 1970’s.

[Kickass Conservative]

You will notice that none of the Mercedes Coupes have "B" Pillars. They can build a car with a strong roof that meets the idiotic Federal Regs without having to use them.

That is one thing that sets the 60’s and 70’s American Muscle Cars apart in styling. They can imitate the look nowadays, but they can't replicate it.

[count-your-change]

Belching half burned fumes back through the carb. ah yes.
Fortunately in ‘75 much of that junk on the engines was gone and replaced with simpler hardware, still way too much but simpler.

[Yardstick]

Totally friggin bad ass. Americans sure knew how to build some mean looking cars back in the day.

[Yardstick]

I figured the belt line situation must’ve been a safety thing. All the sudden cars started looking like old men with their pants pulled up to their chin. One side effect is that hoodlines are higher too, which probably works against aerodynamics and gas mileage some. However, the extra space under the hood seems like it might make having a transverse mounted engine less necessary. Maybe this will be a step back towards inline mounted engines and rear wheel drive? (kidding myself I know...)

[Yardstick]

I don’t know if they even have parking spaces big enough for those kinds of cars nowadays.

[Smokin' Joe]

If I could find one, I would happily buy an AMC Javelin or AMX.

Yep. I had a '74 Javelin back when, and I wish I still did.

[Fresh Wind]

My friend had a 3rd generation Mustang with a 4 cylinder engine. That POS ran almost as well as a diesel as it did with the ignition turned on.

[count-your-change]

If I recall correctly the carbs had a solenoid that was supposed to snap the throttle plate closed when the engine was turned off but often didn't function properly. The timing was retarded to prevent quick acceleration or rapid timing advance, Air pumps and charcoal canisters.

Ford circulated exhaust gas around the base of the carb when the engine was cold but the solenoid for this seldom worked very long...in short the system was a mechanics nightmare.

Anyone that has never experienced owning one of these old pollution control engines can never appreciate the benefits of fuel injection.

[Fresh Wind]

I had a ‘69 VW Type 3, one of the first mass-market cars with electronic fuel injection (and the first that was really successful). It always worked flawlessly for me.

[Hot Tabasco]

I kinda like sports cars so I would nominate Ford’s 2005, 50th anniversary of the Thunderbird, as the ugliest car on the road. What an insult to the classic T-Birds that was........

[Hot Tabasco]

I kinda like sports cars so I would nominate Ford’s 2005, 50th anniversary of the Thunderbird, as the ugliest car on the road. What an insult to the classic T-Birds that was........