Posted on 12/21/2012 5:19:58 AM PST by Lucky9teen
The Paint Can!!
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month.”
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
“You are back so soon...Is there a problem?” the pastor inquired.
“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,” the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
“Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there, admitted the man, shamefacedly.
“You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church, “stated the pastor.
“We know, “said the young man, hanging his head. “We’re not welcome at Lowes, either.”
My daughter was all upset about today and I told her the world wouldn’t end. We have four more years of misery.
Our Apocalypse was Nov 6th.
and your point is. . . .
A man and his wife came through the front door after a perfectly wonderful time at dinner. Suddenly the woman gave her husband “that look” and said, “Oh, Harold, let’s run right up to our room and make love.”
Harold said, “I’m getting a little old, Dear. We can run up to our room or we can have sex, but not both.”
She said, “Then let’s make love right here on the couch.” So they did.
The hotel owners were not pleased.
Aw dang, I saw that the exact same time YOU did!
Waaaa Hoooooo!
I’m in the first, um...., the first.....
Oh Sh^t. I forgot. (getting old is the pits).
Oh well. Merry Christmas, to all.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”, he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve . . . then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
The alternative is worse.
(:)
Leonard Bernstein?
So the world is supposed to be ending today? ~That’s sad beacause I never found out who let the dogs out~ the way to get to Sesame Street~ why Dora doesn’t just use Google maps~ why we don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”~ why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed~why “abbreviated” is such a long word, why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons~ why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections and why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to? ~Why did Joanie love Chachi?~ If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?~ Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? ~Does the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star have the same tune? Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs? And just what is Victoria’s secret? ~You see, the world just has to keep going.~ I have too many questions...... ????
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