Posted on 12/21/2012 5:19:58 AM PST by Lucky9teen
10. The 5,125 year long calender of the Mayans will end precisely at 11:11 AM on 21st December 2012, the winter solstice of the year. The timestamps in all the databases will be reset to 0000-00-00 00:00:00.00000, causing Google to crash permanently. 9. When you are in the market for doomsday predictions, remember, it's alignment, alignment, alignment! This time, the earth will be at its center and the sun will be aligned at the top of the string of planets. At the rear end of the alignment will be a black hole in the exact center of the Milky Way. And, therefore...
8. "King of terror shall come from the sky. He will bring to life the King of Mongols. The Huge dog will howl at night, when the great pontiff will change lands." - Nostradamus, of course.
7. In a repeat of 9792 BC, Venus moving in retrograde of the Orion constellation will cause the sun to rise to a new horizon, making way for two sunsets and two sunrises. Understandably, this will drive Osiris, the resident god of Orion, crazy.
6. Antichrist will gain domination over the world, in league with the false messiah. There will be blood and...Armageddon. Why 12-21-12? Because, 12-21-12 = 9-11-01 + 3-10-11!
5. According to the most recent batch of Sumerian tablets — on sale for $19.99 at Dept. 13, P.O. Box 666, Nippur, Sumer — the Anunnaki [aka Nephilim], filled with remorse for genetically engineering us, will crash their plant Niburu into the Earth.
4. According to the "Brahma-Vaivarta Purana", Krishna has promised Ganga that she would be allowed to end her hellish sojourn through India, and return to Shiva's head on 12-21-12. Insane with jealousy, Durga will annihilate the universe, sparing only Kolkotta. 
3. The Mormons have built an underground city to escape the apocalyptic events that they believe will happen in 2012. Everybody knows that the Mormons are never wrong.
2. Physicists will successfully extract God particle in CERN's Large Hadron Collider by the end of 2012. Enraged by this new kid on the block, Abraham, Allah, Thor, Vishnu, Yhwh, and Zeus will join forces to destroy the world.
1. Precisely at 11:11 AM, on 12-21-12, when the sun aligns itself with the Tropic of Capricorn, I will forget to wash my hands after using the restroom at the SFO Airport, setting off a pandemic with the superbug, NDM-1.
Could it be the end of the world as we know it?
Leaders of both parties announced today that they have reached agreements on all of the previously intractable issues.
“We just got so used to opposing each other, no matter what, that we lost sight of what’s important,” said Harry Reid, Democratic Senate Majority Leader. “Although it will be difficult not to continue to follow our instincts right into oblivion.”
For starters, the budget will be fixed by increases on taxes on the wealthy, along with smart cuts in spending, mostly in the military.
“We finally realized that such a bloated military would do us no good if the world ended,” said John Boehner, Republican Speaker of the House.
“It turns out what really scared the hell out of us was the Mayan prophecy, not the fiscal cliff,” said Boehner. “Suddenly, coddling the super-rich just to secure political office on this earthly plane seemed so lame,” added the Orange One, tears filling his eyes.
In fact, part of the Mayan prophecy actually refers to an important figure of these times as “The Orange One, who cries like a baby girl.”
Another part of the Mayan prophecy refers to “the man many will call a ‘Secret Muslim.’” According to this portion of the sacred text, the “powerful man” is actually a “Secret Mayan,” and the text relates that, “we here creating this Calendar for the Ages laugh at the thought of the future Tea people thinking he’s a Muslim born in Kenya. After all, everyone knows he is to be born in the heart of Mayan country, the future Mexico.”
The sacred text continues: “The leader of the free world must be a Mayan at this time, and since even our great Prophecy cannot tell whether dishonest forces will be able to rig future elections, all major candidates must be born of ancient Mayan blood.”
In other historic agreements, it was decided that GMOs will be phased out, “if there’s time,” due to their potentially catastrophic consequences to the global food supply.
A huge investment in all natural resources has been agreed upon as well, including the drilling in all areas available in North America and an immediate halt to EPA Regulations. “We can actually use our own resources, we realized, after thinking it through,” said Senator Reid.
It wasn’t all love and harmony in Washington, however. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), a House Minority Leader, tried to start a filibuster to stop the process, saying, “This is just a Tea Party trick to take over the world! God will punish all unbelievers!” Just then a crack in the Senate floor opened and swallowed her up.
“That’s when we really saw the light,” said Reid.
The president spoke to reporters in the Rose Garden this morning. “It is with great pride that I announce these historic agreements,” said Mr. Obama, “and we can only hope that we’ve extracted our collective heads out of the proverbial sand in time.”
“May the great Mayan Gods have mercy on our souls,” he said. “Oh yeah, that’s right: I’m Mayan, you idiots!”
The Paint Can!!
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month.”
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.
“You are back so soon...Is there a problem?” the pastor inquired.
“We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,” the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
“Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.
But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there, admitted the man, shamefacedly.
“You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church, “stated the pastor.
“We know, “said the young man, hanging his head. “We’re not welcome at Lowes, either.”
My daughter was all upset about today and I told her the world wouldn’t end. We have four more years of misery.
Our Apocalypse was Nov 6th.
and your point is. . . .
A man and his wife came through the front door after a perfectly wonderful time at dinner. Suddenly the woman gave her husband “that look” and said, “Oh, Harold, let’s run right up to our room and make love.”
Harold said, “I’m getting a little old, Dear. We can run up to our room or we can have sex, but not both.”
She said, “Then let’s make love right here on the couch.” So they did.
The hotel owners were not pleased.
Aw dang, I saw that the exact same time YOU did!
Waaaa Hoooooo!
I’m in the first, um...., the first.....
Oh Sh^t. I forgot. (getting old is the pits).
Oh well. Merry Christmas, to all.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”, he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve . . . then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
The alternative is worse.
(:)
Leonard Bernstein?
So the world is supposed to be ending today? ~That’s sad beacause I never found out who let the dogs out~ the way to get to Sesame Street~ why Dora doesn’t just use Google maps~ why we don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”~ why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed~why “abbreviated” is such a long word, why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons~ why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections and why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to? ~Why did Joanie love Chachi?~ If a deaf person has to go to court is it still called a hearing?~ Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? ~Does the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star have the same tune? Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs? And just what is Victoria’s secret? ~You see, the world just has to keep going.~ I have too many questions...... ????
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