5 Reasons Cats Are Inferior to Dogs in Every Way

Pajamas Media ^ | 02/25/2013 | John Hawkins

[SeekAndFind]

Are cats really the Honey Boo Boo of the animal world? No, Honey Boo Boo is the Honey Boo Boo of the animal world, while cats are more like the Lindsay Lohan of the animal world — difficult, unpredictable, hard to like, and probably high on catnip. Oh, cats look cute when they’re in the bobblehead kitten stage or swatting away at yarn, but as you get to know the little beasts, you start to realize that they’re merely trying to lull you into complacency so they can steal your breath after you fall asleep. An old wives’ tale? Well, is it just an old wives’ tale that if a cop beats a hippy with his nightstick then he’ll have good luck for seven years? I think not. On the other hand, dogs are superior to cats in every way and if you don’t agree, well then, good luck with your empty life without a soul.

1) Dogs are much smarter than cats.

Can you teach a cat to sit? To roll over? To come when it’s called? No, because cats are stupid. Granted, dogs are stupid, too, but they’re probably on the same level as your two year old. A cat is closer in intelligence to a geranium — if a geranium had claws and a certain feral cunning it could use to track, torment, and kill smaller plants for its own amusement. Is that what you’d want for a plant you loved? To be at the mercy of a hateful geranium? You cat people are just sick! Sick!

2) Your dog loves you. Your cat couldn’t care less if you were murdered by clowns.

You don’t have to guess whether a dog is happy to see you or not because every time you come home, he dances around the room, jumps in circles, wags his tail, and generally acts like you would if you won the lottery, gained super powers, and cured cancer all at the same time. Meanwhile, cats skulk around the house, hide from you, and like to sit out of reach, preferably somewhere in the kitchen where their fur can fall in your food. Ironically, the general indifference of cats is what makes them charming to some people. “Ooooh, I know I’m just about to win kitty over with this bowl of milk, his favorite toy, and a scratching post and….kitty, no, don’t pee on that, kitty, no! Oooh, I have to try harder to get kitty to like me!”

3) Dogs are better pets.

Dogs have spent thousands of years earning the title “man’s best friend” while cats spent that time perfecting the art of spitting up hairballs. Your dog would rather sleep outside on the ground with you than inside a warm, comfortable house. Your cat is kind of hoping you’ll die so he can eat you. Dogs use the bathroom outside. Cats stink up your house by insisting on using a litter box. Dogs are renowned for their loyalty. Cats are mainly known for murdering small animals and dropping them in front of their owners in an attempt to horrify and intimidate them. The very fact that dogs chase cats is actually proof that they’re concerned about the welfare of human beings and are trying to stop them from getting cat cooties.

4) Dogs are happy and fun while cats are generally annoying.

Sure, cats are cute when they play with toys, but so are dogs. Of course, dogs also don’t generally scatter the contents of their litter box across the floor, scratch you until they draw blood for random reasons, and generally get in the way of whatever you’re doing. On the other hand, you pick up a paper and the cat lies on it. Try to go to sleep and the cat walks on your face. Walk down the stairs and the cat runs between your legs. Dogs want to be your pal, while your cat will only tolerate you because you feed it and because secretly, it wants to work with a coven of other felines to turn you into a crazy cat lady.

5) Cats would murder you if they could.

Dogs are friendly animals that view human beings not so much as their servants or masters, but as part of their pack. They love and accept people as their friends, their equals, and their brothers in the animal kingdom. On the other hand, cat lovers should be honest enough to admit the truth: Your cat would eat you and everyone you love if it could. Worse yet, it would toy with you, enjoying your suffering and fear — as it bats you around with its claws before it grows tired of your mournful cries and engineers your grisly demise with its razor-sharp teeth. Remember that the next time you are giving your little snoogums a kiss before night night.

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Related at PJ Lifestyle from John Hawkins:

5 Things My Dogs Taught Me About Human Beings

[LibertarianLiz]

They bark and won’t shut up without being yelled at by their owners.

I had a dog that if you yelled at it, the barking would increase. They just think you are joining in the barking. So, they're happy 'cause you are doing something with them, and they love their people.

[thackney]

I do appreciate that they are the dear friends of their owners, who will overlook all this in return for the loyalty and friendship.

For many people, the dog also provides a level of security, both as defensive action as well as alarm system. That factor is significant in many situations.

I grew up in a very rural setting. Our home was broken into three times, all times between loosing and replacing a large dog.

[Psalm 73]

Ever see the old Geico commercial about a couple that adopted a Rescue-Panther for night-time home security?

Worth looking up.

[massgopguy]

Stoneham MA about ten years ago. Cops did a Welfare check on an old lady. First cop came running out of the house with a bunch of cats on him. They ate the old lady and had a acquired a taste for Human Blood which made them insane. All 90 cats had to be destroyed.

[texas_mrs]

My Corgi eats my cat’s poo. Even when kitty-litter encrusted.

[RJS1950]

Just keep on letting that dog lick you in the face. LOL!

[Wiser now]

No that isn’t your cat. That’s my cat! What’s he doing in your kitchen sink?

[Wiser now]

No that isn’t your cat. That’s my cat! What’s he doing in your kitchen sink?

[married21]

That’s funny. I appreciate the insight into their thinking.

[Biggirl]

Over to you Slings And Arrows. :)=^..^=

[Wiser now]

Our cat does the same thing. He watches for us from the bedroom window and when the car pulls into the driveway he jumps down and runs for the garage door.

[married21]

He thought it was a warm air vent?

[thackney]

I had a dog that if you yelled at it, the barking would increase. They just think you are joining in the barking.

My dogs would start barking when I parked in front of the house and walked to the front door. They would stop when the were assured it was me. Often, I would get up close to the window and bark back at them for both our entertainment.

My barking at the house has also cut down on the time-wasting chit-chat from the neighbors.

[Trapped Behind Enemy Lines]

Sounds like they had to drive stakes through their hearts to kill them.

[RJS1950]

It’s an old wives tale from medieval times when cats were nearly wiped out as familiars of the devil. Cats had the last laugh when a third of the population of Europed died of plague brought by rats that were not controlled by the decimated cat population. I’ve had my cats put their paws on my nose or flop down directly against my face, but unless you are stone drunk or already dead you quickly move; when you quickly move the cat also quickly moves. Our cats were also extremely protective of our kids when they were young. They’d hiss and claw at any stranger who tried to touch them when they were asleep. As far as protection, most dogs can be bought off with a slab of meat. Cats rule, dogs drool.

[married21]

Yes. The guard dog/watch dog duty can be important. When I was little, my parents had a dog that guarded me. I guess I was his little sheep, until I got to the point that I could open the back gate and go visit the neighbors by myself.

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

When I get home I am met by two cats, one who wants to tell me all about their day while the other makes a little chirp from time to time.

I honestly think that people who say that their cats aren't friendly didn't raise them right.

[sauropod]

This was funny.

[CatherineofAragon]

I adore dogs, but cats, even more so.

I never had a cat that didn’t come running to greet me. When I was a kid, we had a tomcat that LOVED my dad. Every evening, about ten minutes before my dad was due home from work, that cat would park himself at the storm door and watch, occasionally getting up on his hind legs for a better look. When the car came into sight, he would start meowing, and when Daddy came in, he just went crazy, purring and winding around my father’s legs.

There’s nothing like cat love!

[Bigg Red]

I was startled awake with his mouth over my nose.

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Maybe he was sick of your snoring. :)