Posted on 05/03/2013 5:53:41 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Edited on 05/03/2013 8:43:38 AM PDT by Admin Moderator. [history]
MARRIAGE/MARIJUANA
For those who haven’t heard, Washington State just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”
We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before
"That was a long time ago ..."
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a “Honk If You Love Jesus “ bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting;
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I’m glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...
and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind me started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
“For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!”
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window
and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a
“sunny beach”...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat
what that meant, he said that it was probably
a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii;
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...
why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up
in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning,
and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared;
so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign
one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
I like the part where she says: http://www.moviesoundclips.net/download.php?id=697&ft=mp3
I’ve seen this man! With my own two eyes! In Seattle, at the last Emerald City ComiCon.
That’s funny right there.
Jewish sex
No matter what this husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm...
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
‘Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. ‘That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.
So they go home and follow the Rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
‘Okay,’ he says to the husband, ‘Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.’
Once again, they follow the Rabbi’s advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel .
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, ‘See that, you schmuck? THAT’S how you wave a towel!
What are the differences between a young whore, an old whore, and a wife?
You can tell each one by their statements.
The young whore says, “Faster, Faster...”
The old whore says, “Slower, slower...”
The wife says, “Beige... I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige...”
Martians land on Earth. After a period of caution, scientists and the Martians find each other friendly and start to communicate. Scientific information about each other is exchanged and this leads to a discussion about reproduction.
“So how do you procreate?”, ask the earth scientists?
“Simple, two of us stand within arm’s length, we touch fingers and out comes a new Martian. We’ll show you!” And so two of them do touch fingers and a cute little Martin is born seconds later. “So how do you earthlings procreate?”, asks the Martians.
“Well, it is a little hard to describe. But we have two scientists who have agreed to show you”, says the scientist. So a human male and female, start to disrobe each other and “offer” a demonstration in reproduction. When they are done, they dress and smile, a little nervously. The lead scientist says somewhat proudly, “And 9 months later, out comes a baby human!”
The Martians look puzzled. One comments, “OK. I understood the kissing, gentle sounds and closeness of the male and female. But if it takes 9 months, why were they going so fast at the end??”
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