Posted on 07/26/2013 5:52:24 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
Too funny. LOL
Scotch with 2 Drops of Water?
* A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of
water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says:
‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’
The bartender says:
‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says:
‘I would like to buy you a drink too.’
The old woman says:
Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming up’ says the bartender as she finishes that drink, the man to her left says
‘I would like to buy you one, too.’
The old woman says:
‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’
The old woman replies
‘Sonny, when you’re my age you’ve learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’
Yep. One of my all time favorites. I’ve had similar discussions with engineers.
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
“My name is Carmen,” she told him.
“That’s a beautiful name,” he said. “Did your mother give it to you?”
“No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in my life — cars and men.”
They continued to talk and finally she asked, “What’s your name”?
“Beerf*ck,”... he replied.
The bartender asks Descartes "Will you be having a drink?"
Descartes say "I think not" and disappears.
Sorry, this is bad. But it made me laugh.
English Lesson
Did you know listen and silent use the same letters?
Do you know that the words race car spelled backwards
still spells race car?
And that eat is the only word that if you take the first letter
and move it to the last, it spells its past tense ate?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
illegal immigrants, and add just a few more letters, it spells:
Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking,
baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other
hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving,
raggedy-a$$ b**tards with you.
How weird is that?
A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. The service man opened the hood and after a while the repair man said “ It looks like you’ve blown a seal”, the man replies “No, it’s just frost on my moustache.”
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
In honor of royal baby week...
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?!
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal! again?
A: When the kids are in college.
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’
And you answer: ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, And you’re barefoot!
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door!
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You don’t care where your spouse goes ... just as long as you don’t have to go along.
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car... in the parking lot.
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
Oh this one’s a keeper, and I’m almost ashamed to say I got every one.
Carlos Danger and Serge Tufast were driving that train in Spain...
In the spirit of the Asiana Air crew, I think the SpainRail engineer's name was something like Juan An Dun.
Too funny. I had to steal that as my FB status today. :) Thanx
You missed the dramatic ending...
Architect: Did you oversize the trusses?
Structural Engineer:I used a design live load of 4k psf...
Architect: DID YOU OVERSIZE THE TRUSSES?
Structual Engineer: YOU’RE G-D DAMN RIGHT I DID!!!!
Trust me, it was Serge Tufast. Already they are considering the photo he posted last year of his train pegging something like 124MPH.
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