Skip to comments.2 Good Jokes for today...
Posted on 05/16/2014 8:07:04 AM PDT by US Navy Vet
Joke One: What Do I Look Like?
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
"What do I look like, a plumber?" Asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "honey, my car doesn't start, I think it may need a new battery, could you change it for me?".
"What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown.
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?"
"What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!"
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of."
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.
"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife.
"Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a handyman, he said he'd fix the whole thing if I just bake him a cake, or sleep with him."
"Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?"
"What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"
Joke Two: Use Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the SH!+'
What do I look like, a humor consultant?
2 Alabamians were looking for a place to picnic. They were debating between a large oak tree or the middle of the road. They decided to picnic in the middle of the road. A truck slammed on its brakes and swerved off the road and hit the tree. The Alabamians said they were sure lucky they didn’t picnic under that tree!
Those are good. I’ve got one to share that I heard recently.
Two men are out playing golf on a Saturday. They’re playing the hole that runs along the main road. Just as one of the men is preparing to hit from the fairway, a funeral procession comes around the corner and starts passing by.
The man steps back from his ball, bows his head, and waits until ALL of the cars in the group have passed. His buddy says, “Wow John...that was a very nice gesture! It was very thoughtful of you.”
John replies “Well it’s the least I could do....after all we were married 25 years.”
A doctor was called in b/c Uncle John was ailing.
He examined the uncle, then came out to tell the family the bad news.
“Uncle John is very ill-—his brain is dead but his heart is still beating.”
Aunt Mary almost fainted: she had no idea Uncle John was a Democrat.
Girlfriend: Bob! I’m leaving you!
Boyfriend: Why? I thought we were in love.
Girlfriend: Because you are a pedophile!
Boyfriend: Well, that’s a big word for a 10 year old.
Good start to the weekend..thanks..
Good Hunting... from Varmint Al
A Baby Boy and a Baby Girl are sitting on the Floor.
The Baby Boy pulls the front of Diaper open, looks down and says, hey you don’t one of these.
The Baby Girl pulls the front of her Diaper open, looks down and says, with one of these I can 100 of those.
Wow, never saw that one coming.
Marx, Lenin and Stalin were sitting around in the afterlife chewing the fat.
Marx says, “I still say workers control the means of production.”
Lenin says, “I still say the state will wither away.”
Stalin says, “I still say Hitler you bastard I’ll see you in hell.”
To which Hitler says, “Well at least one of you commies was right about something.”
Little Johnnie is always on the cutting edge so I’m surprised the smartypants didn’t turn out to be him.
3 guys sitting in a bar commiserating about their bad marriages.
One guy says” my wife left me for a plumber”
how’d you know?
“ I found a pipe wrench under the bed”
Second guy says that’s not too bad, my wife left me for an electrician,I found an electricians pliers under the bed.
Third guy says” that’s nothing, my wife left me for a horse!”
How in the world did you find out?
I found a jockey under the bed!