Posted on 01/11/2019 7:38:48 AM PST by sodpoodle
1.Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book. It's called ........ 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary..
3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can.
Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter... don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter!
********************************************************* These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16.. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."
*********************************************************
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
And one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Old guy goes to a pharmacist with a prescription for Viagra. When gets the script, he asks the pharmacist to cut them into 4 pieces each. The pharmacist says they won’t be effective that way. The old guy says, “that’s ok. I only want it to stick out a little so I don’t pee on my shoes!”
Behind someone stopped at a (changed) light: "That light ain't gettin' any greener!"
Thanks again for the chuckles...
My sister didn’t go fast enough when the light turned green, so her friend said to her, “So, Marybeth, what shade of green do YOU prefer?”
So, a moose once bit my sister. That’s it!
LOL! Never trust a fart after 65.
Too bad Uncle Miltie isn’t around to steal those.
Was watching the first season of Dragnet. In one episode Friday and Gannon were after a guy who shot a cop. They got word that he kept a shotgun in his bed. Here’s the scene where they got the guy:
The door is kicked in, and you see Jack Webb looking down a shotgun saying, “FLINCH AND YOU’LL BE CHASING YOUR HEAD DOWN FIFTH AVENUE!!!”
Bkmrk
Old guy walks into a bar. He dressed very well with a new haircut and shined shoes. He sits down next to a very attractive woman who is also well dressed.
He asks her “Do I come in here often?”
No, and I hope they don't, ever. I thought my tagline was pretty cute - I didn't make it - I actually stole it, but I can't remember from where.
I just say a Vince Offer commercial for Sham-Wow face masks! The Guy is going to make another fortune! But can you imagine how difficult it would be to breath through a Sham-Wow?
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