Posted on 12/04/2020 4:47:02 PM PST by upchuck
Some Friday Funnies to start your weekend. Enjoy!
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I recommend watching all documentaries this way.
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Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.” Caddy: “‘Think you can keep your head down that long?”
Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?” Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?” Caddy: “Eventually.”
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.” Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch. It’s too much of a distraction.” Caddy: “It’s not a watch it’s a compass.”
Golfer: “How do you like my game?” Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”
Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?” Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”
Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.” Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago!”
Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old” Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”
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Okay... blonde jokes with the shoe on the other foot...
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've already wet mine."
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A blonde man sees a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde man replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
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An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "Duh, if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
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A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are intimate. The whole street was watching and laughing at YOU yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on "ALL OF YOU" because I wasn't even home yesterday!
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A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done," she screams, "the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid ignoramus?
And the guy says, "Because ... he's thinking of getting married..."
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You may have heard this one before...
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pi$$ing in cokes?"
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Gotta have at least one semi-political funny...
The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."
Thus ends today's lesson in irony...
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And thus ends this repugnant bunch of funnies.
Thanks for posting. I needed some laughs.
I LOVE those funnies!
I can see some new t-shirts coming along! LOL!
Y’all are welcome. Glad you liked them.
Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?
Husband: You weren’t really skinny to begin with!
Time of Death: 11:pm
Cause: Covid
I like it :)
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