Posted on 12/04/2022 3:13:08 AM PST by sodpoodle
ood afternoon my friends. With all due “respect,” I’ld like to share with you a few of RODNEY DANGERFIELD’s funniest lines. Enjoy. Cappy 😎🤪😎😹😎
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
**My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
When I ran for class president, I got 2 votes. Those were disqualified when they found out I voted twice!
Rodney was fantastic but if you read his life, he really was horribly depressed or so I remember reading. I trust he knows how much joy he gave so many people.
Rodney, Sam Kinison, etc. Mel Brooks and most of the Monty Python troop are still with us as are the makers of Airplane and the Naked Gun series.....but you simply cannot make that kind of comedy today. Hollywood would never do it and those who finance movies are in the clutches of the humorless Woke religion.
well...i probably shouldn’t post this...its not for everybody. This is rare video, this is the only version i could find, its a “reaction” video. Sam Kinison tells this short story...i dunno, you cant help but burst out laughing..
Thanks for posting. I saw Sam Kinison perform to a packed house in Reno Nevada. His comedy was amazing.
Rodney and Sam are long since passed.
Rodney had the most unwoke joke ever. “I only meet girls because of who I am ... A rapist.”
Dangerfield: I asked my wife what would be her wildest sexual fantasy. She said she wanted her own apartment.
I’m a big fan of Rodney D and all the actors and comedians of an earlier time. They had talent. Today’s “comedians” are not funny.
I met a gentleman who had been a long time writer for RD. He said it was a wonder how long he lived, considering all the drugs he took his whole life.
LOL!
So you met a gentleman that was a comedy writer? That’s pretty odd.
So what made you think of him as a gentleman?
Sam was awesome. So sick, twisted and cynical you couldn’t contain yourself when you saw some of his jokes. To this day it still makes me laugh whenever I run across and old clip of his.
I got into a cab once and told the driver to take me where the action was. He took me to *my* house!
Rodney has to be the best tonight show guest of all time. If you’re ever in a bad mood just watch some of it on YouTube
I know I’m ugly, one time I went to a proctologist, doctor stuck his finger in my mouth.
My daughter, they call her Federal Express. Yeah, when she goes to a guy’s apartment, she absolutely positively has to be there overnight.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.