Posted on 11/26/2003 11:20:47 PM PST by Timesink
November 27, 2003
Macho is out, moisturiser is in — and you don't even have to be gay. Adrift on a sea of testosterone and Wilkinson-worship after England's Rugby World Cup win, our correspondent found solace in a guide to the new, new man — a lean, slim trendsetter with a heightened aesthetic sense, who cares how he looks
I WAS A WIMP. But I’m metrosexual now. My reinvention — or, in marketing terms, my repositioning — happened only last weekend and I’m telling everyone about it.
Saturday began badly. Off the red-eye from New York, I took to my bed at 9am planning a three-hour kip. At around 11am I was awoken by a bestial choral scream from next door. I later calculated that this must have been the moment Jonny Wilkinson converted or tried or did whatever he did to win the rugby World Cup.
By 4pm the bars were heaving with testosterone. Middle-aged fund managers in canary yellow jumpers, bullet-headed estate agents in two-tone rugby shirts, Nike-heeled property developers were united in incoherence, their conversation reduced to three chanted syllables: “In-Ger-Land”. By 7pm there were minor street skirmishes. What, though, did anyone expect? The pubs had opened at 9am because, you know, who wants to watch a rugby match unlubricated?
Since I have no interest in sport, take no pleasure in getting drunk and believe patriotism to be dangerous idiocy, familiar feelings of alienation from my sex began to crowd in. At such moments of fraternity, men are from Mars and I feel I’m from Pluto.
But rescue lay in a small blue paperback I had bought in Manhattan called The Metrosexual Guide to Style. This “handbook for the modern man” — found, despite a certain jokiness of tone, in the profoundly serious self-help and personal grooming section of Barnes & Noble — was that most comforting thing: a self-improvement manual that told me stuff I already knew.
Its author, a New Yorker called Michael Flocker, defines Metrosexual in dictionary terms. “1: 21st-century male trendsetter. 2: straight, urban man with a heightened aesthetic sense. 3: man who spends time and money on appearance and shopping. 4: man willing to embrace his feminine side.” Of course, I’m not a really close fit for any of these definitions. I can hear Dylan Jones, a dandyish former colleague, now editor of GQ, laughing even as he reads this. But concede this, Dylan: I am nearer to being a metrosexual than Jonny Wilkinson will ever be. For a start, he’s the wrong shape. The Metrosexual Guide states unequivocally: “The ideal body image is natural, lean and trim. The pumped-up, steroid injecting muscleman is out.” This is why Jonny looks so terribly trussed-up when he wears a suit. On Sunday, his shirt’s expensive cutaway collar could not disguise that, behind the thick knot of his England tie, its top button was not only undone but, owing to overdeveloped neck muscle, undo-uppable.
The handbook, which I’m sure he’ll never read but really should, divides into sections: general etiquette; food and wine; culture; fashion; health and fitness; sex; and home decor. The advice is exact and strict. Never discuss or display money. Espresso is NOT pronounced “EX-presso”. Only its final section, on the metrosexual mindset, waffles slightly and even then it can be quite brusque. Ten Things to Avoid concludes: “Don’t be an asshole” .
At points, it goes too far. With it all the way when it urges nasal and ear hair plucking, I become nervous when it descends towards the pubic region and recommends a regime of trimming and moisturising (“When feeling especially frisky, a nice, fresh scent makes for a pleasant surprise”). Since a woman friend had only just told me that her most recent romance ended when her Italian lover emerged from a hotel bathroom wearing a face mask, I was relieved that its skin care tips stopped at scrub and moisturiser.
The handbook makes it clear that masculinity is in itself no bar to civilisation. All it wants is to bring men up to the minimal level of sophistication attained by women. The heightened aesthetic sense is not so very heightened. You need to know Leonardo was a Renaissance artist, that Van Gogh was an Expressionist and that modern art looks weird not because it’s rubbish but because it’s new. Nevertheless, Flocker does not minimise the challenge. Halfway through the art section, under the misleading heading “Sex, Sex, Sex!” he scolds: “If you got bored and skipped over the previous section, go back and read it! You should know this stuff, and the paragraphs could not possibly be any shorter, for God’s sake.”
As this week’s boorish celebrating has demonstrated, nobody should underestimate the average male’s inner neanderthal. A divorced friend recently told me he was resisting decorating his new, deckchair-strewn home because he expected his next girlfriend to do it. The handbook — which I intend to be his Christmas present — will suggest that there won’t be a next girlfriend if he doesn’t learn smartish the difference between Practical Contemporary and Rustic Bohemian.
I don’t want to be smug but, inevitably, smugness creeps in. My dinner date on Tuesday arrived full of lust for Jonny W. By the end of the evening, I had so scrupulously observed Flocker’s rules and admonishments — walking kerb-side of her, following her to the restaurant table, helping her on with her coat, not staring at other women — that she declared herself a convert to Metrosexuality.
Tomorrow — at least until the next time England win something — belongs to us.
The Metrosexual Guide to Style (Da Capo Press, £7.99). In bookshops or to order from Littlehampton Book Services (01903 828800)
TEN WARDROBE MUST-HAVES
Flattering underwear
Three black T-shirts, three new white T-shirts
Two different pairs of flattering jeans
One dark suit
One leather or suede short coat (not a bomber jacket)
Two rollneck or crewneck cable-knit sweaters
Two pairs of dark, straightleg, non-pleated trousers
Three well-cut, solid-colour, button-down shirts (one white)
Quality sunglasses
One expensive watch, one sportswatch
THE CONFIDENT METROSEXUAL ALWAYS . . .
Puts others at ease
Takes responsibility for his actions
Is aware of his sexuality
Enjoys looking his best
Flirts subtly
Accepts flattery
Is open to spontaneity
Never loses control
Tells the truth
Is able to laugh at himself
15 BOOKS YOU SHOULD READ
The Great Gatsby — F Scott Fitzgerald
The Sun Also Rises — Ernest Hemingway
Myra Breckenridge — Gore Vidal
The Turn of the Screw — Henry James
Things Fall Apart — Chinua Achebe
Underworld — Don DeLillo
Maus and Maus II — Art Spiegelman
Perfume — Susskind
On The Road — Jack Kerouac
The Outsider — Albert Camus
Love in the Time of Cholera — Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Berlin Stories — Christopher Isherwood
The Unbearable Lightness of Being — Milan Kundera
Barrel Fever — David Sedaris
Fight Club — Chuck Palahniuk
15 ALBUMS YOU SHOULD OWN
Buena Vista Social Club — Various
Chet Baker in Paris — Chet Baker
What’s Goin’ On — Marvin Gaye
Du Jazz Dans Le Ravin — Serge Gainsbourg
Best of Sade (Remastered) — Sade
The Mission: Soundtrack — Ennio Morricone
Painted from Memory — Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach
Blue Lines — Massive Attack
Four Sider — Sergio Mendes and Brasil '66
The Moderns: Soundtrack — Mark Isham
Speaking in Tongues — Talking Heads
Best of Bowie — David Bowie
Vertigo — Groove Armada
Parachutes — Coldplay
Berlin — Lou Reed
15 FILMS YOU SHOULD SEE
La Dolce Vita — Federico Fellini
Fargo — The Coen brothers
The Elephant Man — David Lynch
Cinema Paradiso — Giuseppe Tornatore
The Last Emperor — Bernardo Bertolucci
A Clockwork Orange — Stanley Kubrick
Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down — Pedro Almodovar
Wings of Desire — Wim Wenders
Amelie — Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Brazil — Terry Gilliam
The Remains of the Day — James Ivory
American Beauty — Sam Mendes
Cabaret — Bob Fosse
Koyaanisqatsi — Godfrey Reggio
Sunset Boulevard — Billy Wilder
METROSEXUAL: IS HE OR ISN’T HE?
YES
Tony Blair
Michael Portillo
Ewan MacGregor
David Beckham
Pierce Brosnan
David Bowie
Oliver Letwin
George Clooney
Charles Saatchi
Justin Timberlake
Melvyn Bragg
Vittorio Radice
Guy Black
Thierry Henry
Andrew Billen
NO
Gordon Brown
Iain Duncan Smith
Russell Crowe
Jonny Wilkinson
Sean Connery
Keith Richards
David Davis
Tom Cruise
Damien Hirst
Eminem
Jonathan Ross
Philip Green
Alastair Campbell
Paul Gascoigne
Microwave Man
MAYBE
Michael Howard
Robin Cook
Colin Farrell
Michael Owen
Roger Moore
Mick Jagger
Tim Yeo
Ben Affleck
Martin Creed
Damon Albarn
Michael Parkinson
Richard Branson
Godric Smith
Ryan Giggs
Richard Morrison
I've got a wide range of interests that are not particularly mainstream. I am an unrepentant techno geek, linguist, video game enthusist, and M203 40mm grenade launcher wielding maniac who is bored stiff by professional sports and modern art. If I get flak from other guys becuase I'd rather discuss Chinese history than college basketball, I'm okay with that.
It's pretty clear to me that being a Metrosexual is more like being a 14 year old girl who's trying to fit in with the other N-Sync loving teens than about being yourself.
I can respect anyone who does their own thing, even if it's kind of off the wall. Being 'Metero' seems to be about conformity and elitism, which are not particularly desirably traits in my book.
Would that include hardware stores and salvage yards? ;-)
Would that include hardware stores and salvage yards? ;-)
No, sugar, you're just in the closet.
THE CONFIDENT METROSEXUAL ALWAYS . . .
Yep.
15 BOOKS YOU SHOULD READ
Have read about half of them. Most were no great shakes.
15 ALBUMS YOU SHOULD OWN
I prefer Country and Classical.
15 FILMS YOU SHOULD SEE
Enjoyed Fargo. The rest either I didn’t see, didn’t like or fell asleep during.
Does this make me a metrosexual? Or does being a bambi killing, flag waving, gun toting, church going, bar-b-que eating, right-wing, hockey watching, pro-life, Ann Coulter reading, Toby Keith listening female disqualify me?
You're just a pretend metro, aren't ya.
Anyone who listens to these albums, or trip-pop, light jazz, or anything along these lines is metrosexual?? I think not...
When this term first started appearing it angered me because it seems just another attempt by homos to hijack certain traits and 'sexualize' them. Some of the 'metrosexual traits' are simply the traits of having a little class or upscale taste. Just cause I can cook good or like a nice restaurant doesn't make me 'metrosexual'. I still like to camp out, shoot, work on things, etc. but the 'metrosexual' wouldn't want to get his little hands dirty.
Just Barf!
Since I live in the country, I suppose so...
,,, pal, if you kip thru the Rugby World Cup, chances are you got off the brown-eye from New York.
No way.
For a while there, half of my female techs were lesbians.
They were a lot of fun to hang out with. They loved football, they loved fishing, they didn't expect you to share your feelings with them and the wife didn't get jealous when I would go over to their place on a Sunday afternoon to drink beer and watch the big game.
A metrosexual just wouldn't have fit in.
However, I can see a metrosexual and my wife spending a nice afternoon together at her favorite cafe eating brie cheese, drinking white wine and discussing how they can't understand football and why fishing is barbaric.
Hi Rika! :) I worry when they have more skin care products than I do. And when I know far more about sports than they do. Eek!
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