Are you metrosexual? (Sorry, not you Jonny, your neck's too thick) [How To Be a Metrosexual]

The Times ^ | November 27, 2003 | Andrew Billen

[July 4th]

Thanks for the list! Now it's easier for me to spot them. :)

[Hawkeye's Girl]

This guy is a dork. Tom Cruise is definately a metrosexual.

And metrosexuals are not what women want. Justin Timberlake is a 13 year old girl's idea of a man :P

[JoJo Gunn]

Jeez, it's the "gravitas" of 2003.

[txzman]

Can I throw up now?

[Salamander]

I think "metrosexuals" should just come on outta the closet and be done with it.

[FreedomPoster]

>>I WAS A WIMP. But I’m metrosexual now.

I got news, bud. You're still a wimp.

[ijcr]

He failed to mention the opening scene in American Psycho, in fact the entire movie sums up meterosexuality.

[Fzob]

How I measure up.

TEN WARDROBE MUST-HAVES

Flattering underwear   (if you call a dozen brief with rips and a few stains flattering I'm in)
Three black T-shirts, three new white T-shirts ( No black T-shirts as for the white one see underwear)
Two different pairs of flattering jeans (See under wear except in denim) 
One dark suit (Yes, I have one)
One leather or suede short coat (not a bomber jacket) ( Nope)
Two rollneck or crewneck cable-knit sweaters (Neck is 19" and red so I wouldn't even consider it)
Two pairs of dark, straightleg, non-pleated trousers (IS green dark, then I'm in)
Three well-cut, solid-colour, button-down shirts (one white) (Yes)
Quality sunglasses (Is $2.50 quality)
One expensive watch, one sportswatch (One sportswatch)

 

THE CONFIDENT METROSEXUAL ALWAYS . . .

Puts others at ease (Not my job)
Takes responsibility for his actions (What does this have to do with being 3/4 queer?)
Is aware of his sexuality (yes, grunt)
Enjoys looking his best  (Enjoys? Yuck, yuck, yuck)
Flirts subtly  ( Does hey honey do you feel like getting lucky this morning qualify)
Accepts flattery (Does this mean I don't gush if some one says something nice. I guess I qualify)
Is open to spontaneity (This can only mean he giggles like a school girl, not me) 
Never loses control   (What does this have to do with being 3/4 queer?)
Tells the truth (What does this have to do with being 3/4 queer?)
Is able to laugh at himself (What does this have to do with being 3/4 queer?)

It not looking good for me. What's a heterosexual going to do in the brave new world of girly men?

 

[RushLake]

........believe patriotism to be dangerous idiocy..........and concludes: Don't be an a$$hole.

Looks like he wants his cake and wants to eat it too. Its the Marie Antoinette thing.

[mewzilla]

I WAS A WIMP. But I’m metrosexual now.

Then you're still a wimp.

[TigersEye]

You might be a metrosexual redneck if:

... you married your cousin before she had a sex change operation.

[Future Snake Eater]

It not looking good for me. What's a heterosexual going to do in the brave new world of girly men?

I dunno...beat 'em all up and take the wussies' lunch money?

[Imagine]

I'm in touch with my feminine side, the problem is that I think I'm a lesbian...

[Fzob]

I dunno...beat 'em all up and take the wussies' lunch money?

Nah, I'd rather let them think they will get beat up so I could watch them worry themselves sick about.

I only wonder how long it will take before they are whining about metrosexual right?

[Qwinn]

The Great Gatsby was the most utterly awful book I was ever forced to read. Dear Lord, that was so awful by the time I was done I wanted to rip my eyeballs out so I could never read anything so absolutely insipid again. And I'm someone who loves to read. The fact that they put it at #1 must-read only makes sense though.

By the way, as Fzob put it, a LOT of things in that post have nothing to do with "being 3/4 queer".

For example, I really don't care much about sports. I can get mildly interested in a playoff or World Series that promises to break an 80+ year losing streak, but once both the Red Sox and the Cubs were out of the Series, who cares? I'd rather pop in a good sci-fi DVD than watch an in-season game any day.

Not caring about sports is not "metrosexual". "Geeks" had that one covered for decades before the metros came around. Being a geek is NOT being a metrosexual, in any way, shape or form. A geek is simply more intellectual than physical, but in defending his intellectual positions, this is one geek that can get pretty damn aggressive, and I think that's true of most geeks. We don't lack the aggression gene at all, we just channel that aggression in non-physical ways.

I proudly bear the title "geek", and I laugh at "metrosexuals" as drag queens in denial. Just so we get the masculinity pecking order correct here. Please, do not confuse one for the other on the basis of things like not caring about sports. When I'm not watching sports, I'm watching John Crichton threatening Scarran sovereigns with a nuclear bomb strapped to his chest. To be a geek doesn't mean you necessarily lack physical courage - hell, it more often than not requires truckloads of it.

Qwinn

[jellybean]

I had so scrupulously observed Flocker's rules and admonishments — walking kerb-side of her, following her to the restaurant table, helping her on with her coat, not staring at other women — that she declared herself a convert to Metrosexuality.

THE CONFIDENT METROSEXUAL ALWAYS . . .

Puts others at ease
Takes responsibility for his actions
Is aware of his sexuality
Enjoys looking his best
Flirts subtly
Accepts flattery
Is open to spontaneity
Never loses control
Tells the truth
Is able to laugh at himself

These are the attributes of what was once commonly called a gentleman. Men would do well to learn these few simple rules without adopting the whole Metrosexual mindset.

Women are just naturally attracted to men who observe The Rules of Etiquette, but once they slip over the edge to primping and flamboyancy, they've lost their appeal.

[Archangelsk]

What's a heterosexual going to do in the brave new world of girly men?

Enjoy a celibate lifestyle? (I say, that's a joke, son, a joke).

[MarkL]

It's "The Crab People!!!!!" Run!!! They're trying to conquer us!!! Run!

Mark

(If you have to ask, you haven't been watching your South Park!)

[uglybiker]

The Metrosexual Theme Song

DEDICATED FOLLOWER OF FASHION
The Kinks (1965)

They seek him here, they seek him there,
His clothes are loud, but never square.
It will make or break him so he’s got to buy the best,
’cause he’s a dedicated follower of fashion.

And when he does his little rounds,
’round the boutiques of london town,
Eagerly pursuing all the latest fads and trends,
’cause he’s a dedicated follower of fashion.

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is).
He thinks he is a flower to be looked at,
And when he pulls his frilly nylon panties right up tight,
He feels a dedicated follower of fashion.

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is).
There’s one thing that he loves and that is flattery.
One week he’s in polka-dots, the next week he is in stripes.
’cause he’s a dedicated follower of fashion.

They seek him here, they seek him there,
In regent street and leicester square.
Everywhere the carnabetian army marches on,
Each one an dedicated follower of fashion.

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is).
His world is built ’round discoteques and parties.
This pleasure-seeking individual always looks his best
’cause he’s a dedicated follower of fashion.

Oh yes he is (oh yes he is), oh yes he is (oh yes he is).
He flits from shop to shop just like a butterfly.
In matters of the cloth he is as fickle as can be,
’cause he’s a dedicated follower of fashion.
He’s a dedicated follower of fashion.
He’s a dedicated follower of fashion.