Why is there a bias against interracial dating?

Shaunti Feldhahn, a right-leaning columnist, writes the commentary this week and Diane Glass, a left-leaning columnist, responds

As a kid, I never realized there was a bias against interracial dating -- or that any serious racial bias still existed. Like most kids in the Washington, D.C.-area melting pot, I grew up around everyone from the children of African diplomats to kids who came over on the boats from Cambodia. My classmates spoke every language and lived in everything from luxury lake homes to public housing. Our dinner guests were just as likely to be from Nigeria or India as from Kansas or California.

After graduation, I left home for a summer waitressing job at a Colorado guest ranch, completely unaware that my multi-racial upbringing had been unusual. I learned fast.

Twenty young staffers came to the ranch from all over the country, and we girls put up pictures and frills to make each bunk our own. One evening, I showed another waitress my snapshots. She gestured at a Homecoming picture of me and my best friend with our dates, standing in front of my date's vintage Mercedes.

"Your date?" She pulled away, appalled that I would go to Homecoming with a black friend. She stood up, walked out of the room and never spoke to me again. From then on, she communicated through other staff members. "Mary, tell Shaunti to fill the syrup bottles."

Word got around quickly. The next morning, the two cooks -- two young men who had been my friends -- started chanting, "once you go black, you never go back" over and over again. I was horrified, and had no idea how to respond. They were merciless the rest of the summer, and I received a ruthless and swift education.

Why is there a bias against interracial dating, especially between blacks and whites? Almost certainly, people with that bias are people who have no close friends of other races. And unfortunately that's still a sizeable population. Once you have spent time with each other, cried on each other's shoulders, worshipped together at church, or played games long into the night at each other's homes, somehow the idea of their daughter dating your son becomes a non-issue.

And that relationship, by the way, is what makes the difference between giving politically-correct lip service to racial diversity and having a real love for one another as people, and a desire for community.

The problem is, there will always be those who choose to wall themselves off from those friendships, whether out of subtle discomfort or hard-core bigotry. But in most cases, no wall is wanted. It's just that someone of another color seems different. And they are different. We all are. A rich mixture of different elements makes us all who we are -- including our race, gender, economic background, faith, beliefs and interests. That's what makes relationships so interesting and worthwhile, including dating relationships. And because racially biased people have never experienced it, they don't understand what a blessing that diversity can be.

Shaunti gets a gold star for political correctness. I don't think many would disparage her heartfelt experience. But asking "why is there racism" isn't nearly as interesting or provocative as asking what you are going to do in the face of bigotry? We all know racism exists. Knowing something doesn't change it. Doing something does.

After Shaunti faced racism head on, what did she do? Did she shy away from interracial dating as an adult, bite her tongue and shake her head in silent disapproval? Or did she fight bigotry with spirited defiance? Silence and obedience are just as toxic a poison. And the question I'm dying to ask is: Would Shaunti consider marrying a black man? She advocates a stable home where the triple scourge of divorce, atheism and gay marriage endanger children. How would she feel about an interracial marriage fraught with social stigma, family arguments and sarcastic barbs at school? Would she take a stand against racism if her children had to suffer?

I ask because the statistics suggest that many may lament the failings of a racist culture but few want to withstand the approbation when racial boundaries are crossed. Since 1980, interracial marriages have more than doubled but today this still only represents a mere 2 percent of married couples in 2000.

Interracial dating isn't so black and white. Pardon the pun. And yet it is. The Asian population intermixes with any race and this barely raises an eyebrow. Likewise with Hispanics. It's often an issue of black and white relationships. Black men with white women is the most problematic for Americans, even though black men and white women are more than twice as likely to marry than black women and white men.

Resentment and a healthy dose of prejudice are veiled in the tales about the mythic physical endowments of black men. Yet racism isn't only a failing of the white population. Black women often feel betrayed by black men who look outside of their race and choose the arms of an enemy who exemplifies the American ideal. The blond Ivory Girl smile and blue eyes of Tiger Woods' future wife no doubt raised the ire of many who wondered why such a powerful role model to black youth couldn't embrace his own race.

Racism, like the history of marriage, is about power: Who has it, who wants it, how can I get it? People feel betrayed and angry about interracial couples because these couples step across enemy lines. "Can we all just get along?" That's not likely until power among the races is on a level playing field and marriage, or dating, is no longer an act of treason.

..why such a powerful role model to black youth couldn't embrace his own race"

Tiger is part Asian, part white, part Native American, and part African-American.

When Fuzzy Zoeller made the stereotypical joke about blacks' eating habits in reference to Woods, the national media jumped on Zoeller. Tiger didn't involve himself in the issue.

When President Clinton extended an invitation to Woods to attend the Jackie Robinson tribute at Shea Stadium, Tiger refused, and it was reported Woods had nicer words for Zoeller than for President Clinton.

I can work with them and chat with people of other ethnicities, but when it comes to dating, I prefer someone similar to me.

And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with feeling that way. Even though I went out with white guys (I'm a black woman), I KNEW my husband would be black. So, like Walter Williams, I practiced discrimination. I didn't want the hassle, grief and heartburn that interracial dating would bring.

Where do I express anger in my posts??? If it doesn't apply to you then don't worry about it. I wasn't referring to ALL black females, just the ones that have a perpetual chip on their shoulder despite their success. You have issues lady and are way too angry. IN FACT, I think you'd be the prime target for Waiting to Exhale sweetie. I grew up with a lot of girls LIKE yourself so I CAN go there but I won't.

Nothing inflammatory about that. I agree with you because that's usually my argument about the way things go, culture wise a black christian man and a white christian woman (esp if they go to the same church no less) share more things in common. Depends on where you live too I think, on the types of people you meet.

With Kobe Bryant, why isn't the history of his "alleged" victim allowed to be considered?

The "history" could, I agree, show lack of good judgment; but it does not justify rape. If ,in deed, a rape did take place.

Respectfully
fight_truth_decay

why isn't the history of his "alleged" victim allowed to be considered?.

I believe this is a legal issue, i.e., it has been prohibited for many years to probe into the sexual history of the rape victim.

Other aspects of her history, such as her mental health, may be fair game.

I would guess that many of today's young people (both black and white) know little of the past political and cultural history of this country. I don't think cyborg is one of them, but that she has her own history and reality to draw from. I think many from this generation have left the anger of the previous generation behind and are more apt to deal with people on an individual basis, rather than a racial basis.

This is a good thing, and reflects Dr. Kings dream of a world where children would be judged on the content of their character.

With Kobe Bryant, why isn't the history of his "alleged" victim allowed to be considered? Maybe because it destroys the notion that SOME white women are as pure as snow as SOME white men have propped them up to be.

You are way off base. It has nothing to do with Kobe's color but more to do with the Rape Shield Law which protects the accuser's identity and past, be they BLACK OR WHITE. This is to insure that future rape victims will have no qualms coming forward. If you recall during OJ's trial, the history of Nicole, her family and her friends were as much on trial as he was.

Interesting. Over the years, I've had black male friends who dated (and some who married) whites, and black female friends who dated (and one who married) whites. All of the said the dating was fine, being married was hard because of attitudes they encountered and how tough it was on the children. Uniformly, they said the biggest attitude problems were from the black side.

My own limited experience bears this out. During college and grad school I dated two black girls and, later when I was in the Army, I dated a Commanche girl. In all cases, these were relationships that developed out of mutual interests and some natural attraction. In the first instance, during the summer her parents found out and forbade her from seeing me, in the case of the second black girl, she was confronted by a number of other black girls on campus and threatened by them. With the Commanche girl, I'd been seeing her in and around the small city where I was stationed for a couple of months, when she asked me come out to her place to pick her up (she lived with her parents). It was with some shock that I found the tribal police wouldn't even let me on the reservation, and that her father had forbidden her to see 'that white army officer'. He even made her quit her job in town to work out on the reservation.

It's very funny, I hear all the stories of white families reacting badly, ala Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, but what I've actually seen has been the opposite.

I would guess that many of today's young people (both black and white) know little of the past political and cultural history of this country. I don't think cyborg is one of them, but that she has her own history and reality to draw from.
***Thank you for saying that because you happen to be right.

I think many from this generation have left the anger of the previous generation behind and are more apt to deal with people on an individual basis, rather than a racial basis.

*** Right again. There's just no way you can broadbrush people today.

This is a good thing, and reflects Dr. Kings dream of a world where children would be judged on the content of their character.

*** I agree. This is a liberal's worst nightmare (and maybe some conservatives as well).

The sad truth is the history of blacks and whites in this country is bitter and painful. White women were right there with white men, discriminating against blacks, encouraging and defending the abuse of black men and women and, if you're black, you would know that. Maybe that's why so many of those so-called "angry black women" feel the way they do about black men who feel the need to chase down white women as if white women were the only women on the planet.

This is understandable, but on the other hand there have also been high profile successful black females who seemed only interested in marrying very successful white men.

And then there's the perception (which is probably accurate) that black women have an easier time of moving up in what is considered "the white man's world", and that black women have used this advantage to exert their independence and blow-off black men as they see fit....and even categorize them as losers.

Admit it. Black women haven't always been so perfect to their men.

Oh, and a lot of these resentments exist between white men and women when it comes to interracial relationships...but I do agree it is probably more of an issue for minorities.

My parents are both Persians from Iran, they've never had a problem with me dating anyone, but they *strongly* discourage Blacks, and look down on Arabs, Mexicans, Pakistini, and Indians. Of course, they would prefer me to marry Persian, but they are not adamantly against others.

I think it's just a traditionalist mindset more than anything.

I've noticed that i myself have catch myself from the same type of feelings towards those groups, only because it was traditionally drilled into my brain.

My future kids can date anyone as long as they are educated, hard-working, moral, family-oriented, and are going to love my daughter/son like i do.

I re-read my post, and found out I made a lot of spelling mistakes. I am glad you understood it, my first sentence can mean anything.

The TV really brings a lot of interferance to my thinking. I just turned it off.

Thanks for the feedback. Sometimes I feel guilty when a pretty and nice lady of different ethnicity starts to flirt with me. One day, there was a woman from Korea that was being very persistant. I really felt guilty. But I did not feel comfortable going out with her. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with people of my same ethinicity but of different nationality. I think that I am very picky (selective).

This may sound stupid, but I always try to find ladies who look like my mother, even the same hair style.

Hear, Hear! Cultural compatablity is the key in any marriage, regardless of race or ethnicity. Perhaps it reflects class bias, but I am much more concerned about my daughters' potential spouses (when in comes to that) being cultivated gentlemen, with good educations and character, reflecting sound Christian principles (I'm less concerned with precise doctrine), comfortable in the world of ideas and the high culture of the West, than I am about race or ethnicity.

When the victim is white, suddenly, the burden of proof SHIFTS to the black man to prove that he's innocent. With Kobe Bryant, why isn't the history of his "alleged" victim allowed to be considered? Maybe because it destroys the notion that SOME white women are as pure as snow as SOME white men have propped them up to be.

Right.
The "alleged" victim who had the sperm of two other men and the pubic hair from a white man in her panties when examined by a doctor after her "alleged rape" by Kobe.

The decision not to consider her "history" is due to the fact that white men consider her "pure as snow". LOL!

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