Posted on 03/07/2004 5:15:19 PM PST by Sub-Driver
MARTHA CONVICTED: Hamptons Erupt in Riots
SHELTER ISLAND, NEW YORK- The airwaves lit up on Friday when a jury returned from deliberations to find style guru Martha Stewart guilty on four securities-related charges. Immediately following the news, the Hamptons erupted in civil disobedience. Surgeons, bankers, and affluent housewives took to the flower-lined streets that night to express their rage, shouting "No justice, no peace!" as they overturned Jaguars and set fire to handsome sets of Louis Vuitton luggage.
"Martha's only crime was being a woman- and securities fraud," said a masked woman with smart shoes and impeccable cuticles. "Oh, and there was the bit about lying to federal investigators. But other than that, this is all about gender."
"They only found her guilty because a bunch of men couldn't handle the idea of a successful woman," said another unnamed rioter. When she learned that eight women sat on the jury and a respected female judge presided over the case, she shrugged. "That just shows how far jealousy goes, doesn't it."
WCBS sent a helicopter to document the destruction, flying low over the quaint beach communities as Dremmel roto tools, hot glue guns, and smart linen pinafores went up in flames below. The resentment seething from New York's far North suburbs seems to revolve around a combination of gender and class warfare at play in Stewart's case.
Long-time friend, confidant, and key informant Mariana Pasternak told CNN's Wolf Blitzer of her shock at the jury's findings. "Of course she broke the law, big deal," said Pasternak. "Poor people go to prison for breaking the law all the time, but that's not supposed to work that way up here." She hinted that public loathing for Stewart may have had a hand in the decision. "It looks like some of us are more above the law than others around here."
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Sentencing for Stewart could include as much as two decades behind bars, but most experts expect her to spend no more than a few years in a minimum security "club fed." However, corrections officials have tried to dispel the myth that white collar prisons are cushy.
"The sheets are 130 thread count un-ironed cotton, and the lack of windows results in almost no natural light whatsoever," said Donna Buhmper a guard at Camp Elgin in Walton Beach, Florida. "For Ms. Stewart, this could be the closest thing to hell she ever sees- until she dies, of course, and goes there for real."
Stewart attorney Robert Morvillo has vowed to appeal the decision, but some are arguing that her best grounds for a reversal will be on the basis of incompetent counsel during the original trial.
After spending more than a month talking about what a mistake it would be to put Stewart on the stand in her own defense, legal analysts on CNN and MSNBC jeered the domestic diva's attorneys for not putting her on the stand. In the end, though, jurors said that the legal strategy was not at issue in their decision.
The biggest problem, according to jury member Chappell Hartridge is that Stewart happened to be "guilty as hell."
Residents say they will continue the civil unrest until Stewart is freed. Once the week begins on Monday, however, rioters admit that they will be far too busy to commit acts of vandalism and arson themselves. Some have already indicated that they plan to send their household help out to riot in their stead, a practice known ad proxy rioting, when the time comes
LOL!
Nothing else need be said!
I would like to see punditry stand trial for fraud someday.
I concur - sounds Greek or Hispanic to me.
It would have been funnier, had they used Wesport and how Martha's neighbors were holding celebration parties. I was thinking up my own version, of that, as I read this one. LOL
Actually, that's probably what's really been happening this weekend!
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