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It was a dark and stormy night . . .
29.58N, 95.21W ^ | 7/17/04 | Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

Posted on 07/17/2004 9:09:20 AM PDT by Xenalyte

Since 1982, the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. The BLFC was the brainchild (or Rosemary's baby) of Professor Scott Rice, whose graduate school excavations unearthed the source of the line "It was a dark and stormy night." Sentenced to write a seminar paper on a minor Victorian novelist, he chose the man with the funny hyphenated name, Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who was best known for perpetrating The Last Days of Pompeii, Eugene Aram, Rienzi, The Caxtons, The Coming Race, and--not least--Paul Clifford, whose famous opener has been plagiarized repeatedly by Snoopy.

(Excerpt) Read more at bulwer-lytton.com ...


TOPICS: Crime/Corruption; Culture/Society; Miscellaneous; Unclassified; Your Opinion/Questions
KEYWORDS: bulwer; bulwerlytton; darkandstormynight; lytton
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Since it's a slow news day, and a lazy Saturday . . . let's either write our own best Bulwer-Lyttonian lines, or post our favorites from other works. (BLs accepted, of course.)
1 posted on 07/17/2004 9:09:21 AM PDT by Xenalyte
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To: Xenalyte
Regret dripped from his mouth like spoiled sour cream...

Yep, that's bad.

2 posted on 07/17/2004 9:11:32 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: MarkL; RadioAstronomer; Physicist; Tax-chick; Junior; Lee'sGhost; wildwood; MacDorcha; Ichneumon; ..
Here, I'll go first (yes, it was once my tagline, but it's still funny for a' that):

It was nearly midnight before we scraped Uncle Harry off the dining-room table.
3 posted on 07/17/2004 9:12:15 AM PDT by Xenalyte (I'm thinkin' of a master plan . . .)
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To: Petronski

Okay, you go first. That one's an ickily evocative visual!


4 posted on 07/17/2004 9:12:42 AM PDT by Xenalyte (I'm thinkin' of a master plan . . .)
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To: Xenalyte

Sadie had a smile that revealed the profoundly ugly teeth--no wonder her gums were receding.


5 posted on 07/17/2004 9:14:39 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: Petronski

"Was it necessary," asked the judge as he leaned over the bench, "to produce this entire lake in evidence?"


6 posted on 07/17/2004 9:15:32 AM PDT by Xenalyte (I'm thinkin' of a master plan . . .)
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To: Petronski

So close she could play the orange sauce to my duck, the sultry blonde tickled the back of my neck and whispered, "I know all the words to 'Copacabana.'"


7 posted on 07/17/2004 9:17:03 AM PDT by Xenalyte (I'm thinkin' of a master plan . . .)
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To: Xenalyte

Simone sighed and filed her nails the afternoon the camel died.

This had all the makings yet another in a seemingly endless series of dreary, disaster-ridden holidays with Nigel.


8 posted on 07/17/2004 9:18:10 AM PDT by annyokie (Now with 20% More Infidel!)
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To: Xenalyte

The Double Q ranch didn't have any cattle anymore, the giant sand lobsters had seen to that.


9 posted on 07/17/2004 9:18:20 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: Xenalyte
From various liberal sources:
10 posted on 07/17/2004 9:18:38 AM PDT by sourcery (This is your country. This is your country under socialism. Any questions? Just say no to Socialism!)
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To: Xenalyte

“The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers,pushed through the castle window,revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, “You lied!”


11 posted on 07/17/2004 9:20:08 AM PDT by Apple Pan Dowdy (... as American as Apple Pie)
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To: annyokie

Prostitution had been Leslie's life-long dream, and he was only fourteen.


12 posted on 07/17/2004 9:20:15 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: Petronski

Roxanne thought yet again about how to remove those bloodstains in the carpet.


13 posted on 07/17/2004 9:21:42 AM PDT by annyokie (Now with 20% More Infidel!)
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To: Xenalyte
The morning sun danced over the black pants suit that laid crumpled on the floor after a night of passion....

(And yes it is a horror novel)

14 posted on 07/17/2004 9:27:15 AM PDT by KarlInOhio (You can lead a liberal to the facts but you can't make him think.)
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To: Xenalyte

"Early on the morning of August 19, 1946, I was born under a clear sky after a violent summer storm to a widowed mother in the Julia Chester Hospital in Hope, a town of about six thousand in southwest Arkansas, thirty-three miles east of the Texas border at Texarkana."


15 posted on 07/17/2004 9:27:23 AM PDT by VeritatisSplendor
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To: Apple Pan Dowdy

His career faltering in a languid pool of its own turgid inertia, Chester Fields, Attorney at Law, thumbed recklessly through the want ads, slurping thoughtlessly from a tepid glass of his own melancholia.


16 posted on 07/17/2004 9:27:26 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: annyokie

Mary drew back to shades to reveal a bright moon in the dark night sky, which makes sense because one would not find the sun there due to the fact it was shining on the other side of the World right now, she reasoned.


17 posted on 07/17/2004 9:27:58 AM PDT by reagan_fanatic (Liberalism is the end result of too many people peeing in the gene pool.)
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To: KarlInOhio

Fire Island was always a bit boring in late August, but if Lance was having such a bad time, how could he explain his uncomfortable gait . . . or that horrible smell?


18 posted on 07/17/2004 9:29:36 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: VeritatisSplendor
"Early on the morning of August 19, 1946, I was born under ...

I have trouble believing any part of your story.

19 posted on 07/17/2004 9:29:39 AM PDT by KarlInOhio (You can lead a liberal to the facts but you can't make him think.)
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To: Petronski
Regret dripped from his mouth like spoiled sour cream...

That was gross. :)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
-- Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring, MD

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
--Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA

Similes from High School Essays

20 posted on 07/17/2004 9:29:53 AM PDT by DumpsterDiver
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To: reagan_fanatic

Hands planted firmly on her hips, Lisle glared at Robert and explained, angrily "Shut up!"


21 posted on 07/17/2004 9:31:45 AM PDT by annyokie (Now with 20% More Infidel!)
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To: Xenalyte
"And the second reason why we won't print your short story," the stodgy editor said as he chomped on his stale, hand-rolled cigar, "is because frankly there's just no market for well-written material."
22 posted on 07/17/2004 9:32:10 AM PDT by Cultural Jihad
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To: DumpsterDiver
Oops! I had posted a bad link. It should be (I hope) this:

Similes from High School Essays
http://baltimorechronicle.com/quotes_sep02.html

23 posted on 07/17/2004 9:33:17 AM PDT by DumpsterDiver
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To: Xenalyte

Hal knew he was in the dark, the cold dark the not seeing the light tangled in the sheets kind of dark, when the monsters under the bed can get you dark, and broke open the chemically activated foot warmer and inserted it into his boot, realizing that he had not felt that total body warmth and relief since he had peed his pants in second grade and it had run down his leg into his shoe.





24 posted on 07/17/2004 9:33:18 AM PDT by Kay Syrah (nice finish)
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To: Xenalyte

The Story of my Life

by spodefly

It was a dark and stormy night when I was born a small boy, destined for tumult portended by meterological conditions coincident with my birth, thrown into a maelstrom of peripatetic activity, yet sanguine in my rectitude, facing a torpid vicissitude determined to obdurate, yet turgid in my amelioration of incessent obsequiousness.

...

(should I go on?)


25 posted on 07/17/2004 9:33:39 AM PDT by spodefly (I can't handle the pressure to come up with interesting taglines for every post.)
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To: annyokie

Gummed nearly to death in the maw of his own indecision, Toby shook the magic eight-ball with all his might.


26 posted on 07/17/2004 9:35:24 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: Petronski

My apologies ... I didn't realize you had already used the word 'turgid' ...


27 posted on 07/17/2004 9:36:01 AM PDT by spodefly (I can't handle the pressure to come up with interesting taglines for every post.)
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To: Petronski

Her eyes shone like the pants of a blue serge suit.


28 posted on 07/17/2004 9:36:33 AM PDT by annyokie (Now with 20% More Infidel!)
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To: dighton; martin_fierro; Lazamataz; MadIvan

Ping.


29 posted on 07/17/2004 9:36:39 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: Petronski

Paco's face bore the verisimilitude of a smile, a fact he would have found immediately ironic in his moment of doom, had he not found it necessary to interrupt himself to look up the word 'verisimilitude.'


30 posted on 07/17/2004 9:38:25 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: Xenalyte

31 posted on 07/17/2004 9:39:28 AM PDT by KarlInOhio (You can lead a liberal to the facts but you can't make him think.)
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To: DumpsterDiver
Similes from High School Essays

Thanks, those are some of the funniest things I've ever read. :=)

32 posted on 07/17/2004 9:40:44 AM PDT by Bob
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To: Petronski
"I served in Vietnam.", the candidate said as he leaned over the podum looking at the mass of alternately hopeful and hopeless faces that seemed to stifle a yawn as he spoke the line, and it was a cosmic yawn, a yawn that the universe seemed to utter, every time he spoke his favourite line.

Regards, Ivan

33 posted on 07/17/2004 9:41:00 AM PDT by MadIvan (Gothic. Freaky. Conservative. - http://www.rightgoths.com/)
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To: Petronski
Marcia discretely spat the pit of her maraschino cherry into her hand as she inwardly rolled her eyes at Maxwell's recounting of the hydrangea bush incident. Again, he neglected to include the ocelot.
34 posted on 07/17/2004 9:42:10 AM PDT by annyokie (Now with 20% More Infidel!)
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To: annyokie

Simone smiled, basking in the warm sunlight that made her life seem perfect at that moment; light that had departed the imploded, dead sun only eight minutes before.


35 posted on 07/17/2004 9:43:06 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: DumpsterDiver
LOL -- what clever kids!

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" — Jean Sorensen, Herndon, VA

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. —Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse, NY

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. —Joseph Romm, Washington, DC

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. — Jerry Pannullo, Kensington, MD

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. —Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington, VA


36 posted on 07/17/2004 9:43:22 AM PDT by Yardstick
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To: Xenalyte
Well, I've never been to Spain, but I've been to Oklahoma, and they tell me I was born there, but I really don't remember.

(from the only 3 Dog Night song that I ever liked)

FMCDH(BITS)

37 posted on 07/17/2004 9:45:16 AM PDT by nothingnew (KERRY: "If at first you don't deceive, lie, lie again!")
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To: Petronski

'Hey, have I time for one more Twinkie,' begged 600lb Cindy Bigdrawers, as fire-fighters removed the window from her bedroom, before hooking up the hoist to lower her outside.


38 posted on 07/17/2004 9:45:51 AM PDT by Happygal (Le gách dea ghuí)
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To: annyokie

Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.


39 posted on 07/17/2004 9:46:33 AM PDT by NutCrackerBoy
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To: Petronski

Phil sat at the jolly cafe, solemnly regarding his brioche. The little top-knot always reminded him of Melissa's breasts.


40 posted on 07/17/2004 9:47:38 AM PDT by annyokie (Now with 20% More Infidel!)
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To: Happygal

Disconsolate and mere moments from impact, Iris recounted the misfortunate timing of her brake failure as her faith in advertising left her soul with a whoosh: "I guess Avis doesn't really try harder."


41 posted on 07/17/2004 9:50:22 AM PDT by Petronski (Twenty-nine Helens agree: Promptness is very important.)
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To: Xenalyte
"Robert," he ejaculated, "Robert...Robert...Robert...Robert...Robert...Robert...Robert...I've heard that name before."
42 posted on 07/17/2004 9:51:36 AM PDT by Physicist
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To: Petronski

Marissa stirred her latte and rued the fact that her mother still couldn't use the word "myriad" properly in her discourse. Especially today.


43 posted on 07/17/2004 9:55:21 AM PDT by annyokie (Now with 20% More Infidel!)
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To: MadIvan

"Medic!!!" screamed the dashing young naval officer. Swiss finishing school, Yale and it had all come down to this...a splinter in his pinky in the middle of this oppressive hell that was the 'Nam.


44 posted on 07/17/2004 9:56:08 AM PDT by Joe 6-pack ("We deal in hard calibers and hot lead." - Roland Deschaines)
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To: Petronski

In watermelon sugar the deeds were done, and done again, in watermelon sugar.


45 posted on 07/17/2004 9:56:44 AM PDT by NutCrackerBoy
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To: Joe 6-pack
My flat is shaking with the sound of my laughter. Well done!

Regards, Ivan

46 posted on 07/17/2004 10:01:07 AM PDT by MadIvan (Gothic. Freaky. Conservative. - http://www.rightgoths.com/)
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To: Petronski

"Gummed nearly to death in the maw of his own indecision..."

LOL!!! When you're bad, you're good.


47 posted on 07/17/2004 10:01:20 AM PDT by avenir (Information overload = Pattern recognition)
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To: Petronski

Everyone agreed that Whoopi was never going to graduate from charm school.


48 posted on 07/17/2004 10:01:21 AM PDT by Happygal (Le gách dea ghuí)
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To: Happygal
Everyone agreed that Whoopi was never going to graduate from charm school.

With a face like hers, obedience school was the best she could hope for.

49 posted on 07/17/2004 10:02:34 AM PDT by Mike Bates (Irish Alzheimer's victim: I only remember the grudges.)
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To: Xenalyte

It was hot, hotter than anyone expected to be in the Northeast.


50 posted on 07/17/2004 10:03:02 AM PDT by RightWingAtheist (Ni Jesus, Ni Marx..OUI REAGAN!)
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