Skip to comments.It was a dark and stormy night . . .
Posted on 07/17/2004 9:09:20 AM PDT by Xenalyte
Since 1982, the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. The BLFC was the brainchild (or Rosemary's baby) of Professor Scott Rice, whose graduate school excavations unearthed the source of the line "It was a dark and stormy night." Sentenced to write a seminar paper on a minor Victorian novelist, he chose the man with the funny hyphenated name, Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who was best known for perpetrating The Last Days of Pompeii, Eugene Aram, Rienzi, The Caxtons, The Coming Race, and--not least--Paul Clifford, whose famous opener has been plagiarized repeatedly by Snoopy.
(Excerpt) Read more at bulwer-lytton.com ...
Yep, that's bad.
Okay, you go first. That one's an ickily evocative visual!
Sadie had a smile that revealed the profoundly ugly teeth--no wonder her gums were receding.
"Was it necessary," asked the judge as he leaned over the bench, "to produce this entire lake in evidence?"
So close she could play the orange sauce to my duck, the sultry blonde tickled the back of my neck and whispered, "I know all the words to 'Copacabana.'"
Simone sighed and filed her nails the afternoon the camel died.
This had all the makings yet another in a seemingly endless series of dreary, disaster-ridden holidays with Nigel.
The Double Q ranch didn't have any cattle anymore, the giant sand lobsters had seen to that.
The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers,pushed through the castle window,revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frogs deception, screaming madly, You lied!
Prostitution had been Leslie's life-long dream, and he was only fourteen.
Roxanne thought yet again about how to remove those bloodstains in the carpet.
(And yes it is a horror novel)
"Early on the morning of August 19, 1946, I was born under a clear sky after a violent summer storm to a widowed mother in the Julia Chester Hospital in Hope, a town of about six thousand in southwest Arkansas, thirty-three miles east of the Texas border at Texarkana."
His career faltering in a languid pool of its own turgid inertia, Chester Fields, Attorney at Law, thumbed recklessly through the want ads, slurping thoughtlessly from a tepid glass of his own melancholia.
Mary drew back to shades to reveal a bright moon in the dark night sky, which makes sense because one would not find the sun there due to the fact it was shining on the other side of the World right now, she reasoned.
Fire Island was always a bit boring in late August, but if Lance was having such a bad time, how could he explain his uncomfortable gait . . . or that horrible smell?
I have trouble believing any part of your story.
That was gross. :)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
-- Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring, MD
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
--Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA
Hands planted firmly on her hips, Lisle glared at Robert and explained, angrily "Shut up!"
Similes from High School Essays
Hal knew he was in the dark, the cold dark the not seeing the light tangled in the sheets kind of dark, when the monsters under the bed can get you dark, and broke open the chemically activated foot warmer and inserted it into his boot, realizing that he had not felt that total body warmth and relief since he had peed his pants in second grade and it had run down his leg into his shoe.
The Story of my Life
It was a dark and stormy night when I was born a small boy, destined for tumult portended by meterological conditions coincident with my birth, thrown into a maelstrom of peripatetic activity, yet sanguine in my rectitude, facing a torpid vicissitude determined to obdurate, yet turgid in my amelioration of incessent obsequiousness.
(should I go on?)
Gummed nearly to death in the maw of his own indecision, Toby shook the magic eight-ball with all his might.
My apologies ... I didn't realize you had already used the word 'turgid' ...
Her eyes shone like the pants of a blue serge suit.
Paco's face bore the verisimilitude of a smile, a fact he would have found immediately ironic in his moment of doom, had he not found it necessary to interrupt himself to look up the word 'verisimilitude.'
Thanks, those are some of the funniest things I've ever read. :=)
Simone smiled, basking in the warm sunlight that made her life seem perfect at that moment; light that had departed the imploded, dead sun only eight minutes before.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" Jean Sorensen, Herndon, VA
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse, NY
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. Joseph Romm, Washington, DC
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. Jerry Pannullo, Kensington, MD
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington, VA
(from the only 3 Dog Night song that I ever liked)
'Hey, have I time for one more Twinkie,' begged 600lb Cindy Bigdrawers, as fire-fighters removed the window from her bedroom, before hooking up the hoist to lower her outside.
Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.
Phil sat at the jolly cafe, solemnly regarding his brioche. The little top-knot always reminded him of Melissa's breasts.
Disconsolate and mere moments from impact, Iris recounted the misfortunate timing of her brake failure as her faith in advertising left her soul with a whoosh: "I guess Avis doesn't really try harder."
Marissa stirred her latte and rued the fact that her mother still couldn't use the word "myriad" properly in her discourse. Especially today.
"Medic!!!" screamed the dashing young naval officer. Swiss finishing school, Yale and it had all come down to this...a splinter in his pinky in the middle of this oppressive hell that was the 'Nam.
In watermelon sugar the deeds were done, and done again, in watermelon sugar.
"Gummed nearly to death in the maw of his own indecision..."
LOL!!! When you're bad, you're good.
Everyone agreed that Whoopi was never going to graduate from charm school.
With a face like hers, obedience school was the best she could hope for.
It was hot, hotter than anyone expected to be in the Northeast.
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