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Posted on 09/04/2004 12:53:27 PM PDT by goldstategop
If I've been following the campaign correctly, the typical John Kerry day involves an early-morning visit to Bud's Truck Stop on Route 103 at which the senator orders a hot dog. Asked what he wants on it, he requests an aubergine and lemongrass coulis. Afterward, he heads to Idaho for a windsurfing photo-op to communicate his virility, after first flying out his stylist from Cristophe's to mousse his hair into its windswept and tousled position. Following questions from the press on the cost of his hairdresser, he first denies that he has a hairdresser and then, when her curling irons and rollers are pointed out in the back of his family's SUV, snaps, "She's not my hairdresser, she's the family's hairdresser."
Later, after a two-man luge run with his Secret Service agent ends with him falling off after 50 yards, he snarls, "I don't fall off. That sonofabitch agent arched his back too high." Conceding that he was never in Cambodia on Christmas Eve 1968, the senator says that those words were repeatedly placed in his mouth by overzealous speechwriters. He wasn't in Cambodia, his wife's first husband's corporation's wholly owned subsidiary was in Cambodia. "But if George W. Bush's Republican smear machine wants to make our service in Vietnam an issue," he warns, "I say to them: BRING. IT. ON!"
"But they have brought it on."
"Well, if they want to continue bringing it on, I say to them: BRING. IT. ON!"
"But your campaign has put out an ad demanding that President Bush call it off."
"Well, if he wants to make an issue of my begging him to call it off, I say to him: BRING. IT. ON."
The day ends with the senator throwing the first pitch at the Red Sox game. It lands on his red sock and breaks his toe, resulting in his taking two weeks off for surgery, in the course of which his numbers go up four points.
...
This would be more than enough to see most of us through November: Why did John Kerry cross the road? "I crossed the road to volunteer for Vietnam. Some of us know something about what it means to cross the road." Who was that lady I saw you with last night? "That was no lady, that was my meal ticket." How many John Kerrys does it take to change a light bulb? At least four: One to approve the removal of the old light bulb; one to declare his courageous commitment to replacing the old bulb; one to vote against funding the new light bulb. And one to denounce George W. Bush and America's Benedict Arnold CEOs for leaving everyone in the dark.
Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)
"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien
"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno
Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn
"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay Leno
John Kerry was asked what he thought of someone making $727,000.
He replied "Not worth dating."
-PJ
I see these bumper stickers.
Truth for a change. Vote Kerry.
I keep asking myself, which one?
(Shamelessly stolen from another thread..)
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. Curious, he asked,
What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "and whose clock is that?"
"That is Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
Looking around, the man asked "Where is John Kerry's clock?"
"KERRY'S clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn
The three of them climb the stairs to the pearly gates, where St. Peter is waiting for them.
"Mr. Dukakis," St. Peter says, "the Lord has decided that you may enter Heaven. But you must wear this tank helmet for all eternity." Dukakis puts on the tank helmet and walks through the pearly gates.
"Mr. Mondale, the Lord has decided that you may enter Heaven. But you must wear this wellstone around your neck for all eternity." Mondale puts on the wellstone and walks through the pearly gates.
St. Peter turns to Kerry and pins a medal on his chest. "As for you Mr. Kerry, the Lord has decided that you must wear this silver star for all eternity." Kerry takes one step toward the pearly gates and falls through the clouds. He falls and falls and falls, and finally lands with a loud 'thump' in a darkened room. He looks up and sees an enormous man covered in animal furs. "What is this place? And who are you?"
"This is Cambodia, Mr. Kerry. And I am Jenghis Khan."
A man goes up to kerry and asks. Mr kerry, why do rabbits poop in little pellets. Horses poop Biscuits, and cattle poop pies? John kerry says " I dont know" The man says Mr. Kerry you dont know $hit and you want to be President?
The man is simply too humorless to make a joke about; a scary kind of stingy seriousness.
Bush jokes fall flat but Kerry jokes hit home. Something tells me they're not laughing over at DU. Life is funnier than fiction.
There are less than two months until the election, an election that will
decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be
the president of ALL Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.
To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each
other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all
came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
If you support the policies and character of President George W. Bush,
please drive with your headlights 'ON' during the day.
If you support John Kerry, please drive with your headlights 'OFF' at
night.
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