Posted on 09/13/2004 11:58:00 AM PDT by petconservative
Introduce a new product in our Office line called Microsoft Forger. Microsoft Forger is the ultimate product for pundit-proof forgery.
Even if you are just getting into forgery or are an old hand, this product will deliver all the power that you need to turn out credible documents with little or no effort.
Just look at some of the incredible features included:
Output machine selection - Select from a variety of emulators for everything from manual typewriters, IBM Selectrics, early model word processors such as Wang and many others.
Font selection - Once you have selected the machine type, font selection is limited to only those fonts actually available for that machine. No longer will you make stupid mistakes like selecting Times New Roman for memorandum that were suppose to be outputted on a IBM Selectrics.
Proportional fonts and kerning - Again options are limited by machine type
Key emulation - Only those keys actually on the selected machine type are activated. Special features such as subscript and superscript will appear only as that machine would have outputted it. Some extremely amateur forgers have actually used features such as reduced font sized superscript th's in documents that were suppose to have been from a normal typewriter. Our product will prevent such simple mistakes.
Copy machine emulation - Before you print out your document you can have it automatically appear to have been run through a copy or fax machine multiple times. Lettering will look aged and blurred with random specks will appear according to our specialized algorithm.
Margins and document centering - Each document created is slightly different to account for the non-exact centering available of manual machines and the variance of paper feeds. Nobody will be able to overlay your forgery with their own created forgery and have them exactly line up.
Signature scanning - Scan in a signature from a record in the pubic domain and MS Forger will automatically store it in a vector signature file for use in adding to your document. The signature scanner will remove artifacts such as lettering found underneath the signature scan.
Add-Ons - There are many specialized add-ons that can be used depending on your document forgery needs. For a limited time only when you buy Microsoft Forger we will include the Texas National Guard Memorandum (TNGM) add-on for free.
Here are just some of the features of the TNGM add-on:
Military style dates- Date headers are automatically formatted to day - capitalized three letter month - two digit year.
Subject lines- Automatically uppercased as this is the standard for military memorandums. Rank selector. Select from the service and the rank for the individual who you are forging. This is especially helpful for those who the closes they have been to the military is when they protested outside the gate. Prevents mistakes in the abbreviations used in military rank.
Unit selector- Select from a list of guard units with the option to use their letterhead. Command database. Our command database includes all officers and the times they served in the Texas National Guard. The selections are limited to the date used at the top of the memorandum. This ensures you won't have the document addressed to someone that had retired a year and a half before your document date. Accreditation - Our documents have been accredited as undetectable by the National Organization of Forensic Document Examiners. And we are just not talking CBS's hired experts, but ones that can actually detect forged documents.
So if you are a Kerry campaign operative or a CBS intern then this is the program for you.
LOL!
Hillary-arious!
LOL
Buy it today and receive a free introductory subscription to www.expert-witness.com.
We'll verify that forgery for you. If you can manage to get just three or four elements of handwriting to match the original signature, we'll certify that signature for you as authentic.
Offer only valid for signator's deceased for at least 5 years.
The BEST Thank you -- Very Creative !!!
I'll wait for the OSS version.
Font selection - Once you have selected the machine type, font selection is limited to only those fonts actually available for that machine. No longer will you make stupid mistakes like selecting Times New Roman for amemorandum that were was supposed to be outputted typed on an IBM Selectrics.
...
Key emulation - Only those keys actually on the selected machine type are activated. Special features such as subscript and superscript will appear only as that machine would have outputted it. Some extremely amateur forgers have actually used features such as a reduced font sized superscript th's "th" in documents that were supposed to have been from a normal typewriter. Our product will prevent such simple mistakes.
Copy machine emulation - Before you print out your document you can have it automatically appear to have been run through a copy or fax machine multiple times. Lettering will look aged and blurred with random specks will appear according to our specialized algorithm.
Margins and document centering - Each document created is slightly different to account for the non-exact centering available of manual machines and the variance of paper feeds. Nobody will be able to overlay your forgery with their his own created forgery and have them exactly line up.
...
Subject lines- Automatically uppercased as this is the standard for military memorandums. Rank selector. Select from the service and the rank for the individual who you are forging. This is especially helpful for those whom the closest they have been to the military is when they protested outside the gate. Prevents mistakes in the abbreviations used in military rank.
Humor ping
Great!
This will be a big hit with CBS and Komrade Kerry's Kamp.
The laugh of the day and the Freepers on your ping list will probably enjoy this.
This is the perfect gift for John Forges Kerry and the lunatic mediots who lie everyday for him.
Something for our graphic arts gang to have some fun with.
Cool! Where can I get one?
Is this available for Mac users as well, or do only PC users have the ability to forge successfully? (LOL)
Brilliant!!!
Outstanding! bump
heeee heheheh... Miker$oft sure knows how to make a buck - ping.
New Microsoft Product! The laugh of the day and the Freepers on your ping list will probably enjoy this.haha!
[See text in the article too!]
Please let me know if you want ON or OFF my General Interest ping list!. . .don't be shy.
You'll need a version for the MAC. The flip-flop wearing Dems don't use PC's: Too commercial, too... capitalistic. Maybe a version in Linux would work for those who believe that the operating system (along with the computer) should be free.
ROTFLMAO!
Bravo!!!!! Just hilarious!!
Is there a Linux version?
F'in awesome.
This is too funny. Does Rush and Hannity have it?
I'm busting a gut laughing as I type this.
I'm holding out for Microsoft Forger 2005. I hear rumors that it will be able to carve stone so that I can make my own Rosetta stones and similar items.
-Eric
Brilliant...
Gates is too smart to market "Forger." He'll name it "Revisioner."
Brilliant.
When does the Mac version come out?
Outstanding!
LMAO
ROFL!
Please, please, please STOP!?!?!?!?!?
MY sides are hurting, toooo funny.
That's great!
That's AWESOME
I incorporated your editing changes into the piece on my site. Thanks.
This afternoon, Craig Livingstone Enterprises announced their release of the first plug in for MS ForgerTM 2004:
The Smear and Fear Wizard for MS Forger 2004
The Smear and Fear Wizard is a plug-in to Microsoft Forger 2004 and provides automated templates for hundreds of high value documents. Use the S & F Wizard to print stationery, mailing labels, shipping labels, tab titles, Ready Index table of contents sheets, diskette labels, name badges, name tags, business cards, and tent cards. Use the S & F data base of 900 FBI files to target your "favorite" conservative.
ORDER TWO COPIES OF SMEAR AND FEAR WIZARD AND RECEIVE A FREE 1972 IBM SELECTRIC COMPOSER...JUST IN CASE!
Very well done!
LMBFAO
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