Posted on 10/01/2004 7:33:35 PM PDT by Jeff Gordon
The division of the human family into its two distinct political branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
The pivotal event of societal evolution was the invention of beer. This epochal event was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so it was necessary to stick close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement.
An interesting evolutionary side note: some of these early liberal men eventually evolved into women. (Girlie men?)
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, They eat red meat, and still provide for their women Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, NASCAR drivers, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing
Hence; this brings us to where we are today! Here ends the lesson in world history.
DAMM thats good...
I like beer. I don't care who made it, where it's from or how much it costs. I don't even care what it tastes like. I like beer...especially if someone elese is buying....(hic!)<>FMCDH(BITS)
FMCDH(BITS)
FMCDH(BITS)
> In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was
> invented.
What’s particularly amusing here is that most anthropologists agree that beer was discovered by accident, when a gatherer (most likely a woman) left a gourd of water in the sun, and it began to ferment. To this day, there are primitive cultures that scoff at the idea of a male “brew master”, because everyone knows that beer is woman’s magic. This of course began one of the great conservative traditions: stealing somebody else’s idea, and living off the backs off the workers.
> Some men spent their days killing animals to
> barbecue at night while they
> were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the
> conservative movement.
Of course, hunting an animal the size of a mammoth required a great deal of machismo, but very little intelligence. After all, how hard is it to find something the size of the house, roaming on a plain? The knowledge of what berries and nuts would sustain you during bad hunts and not kill you was a little too much for the hunters. This began another great conservative tradition: labeling anyone with more knowledge “an elitist.”
> Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most
> powerful land animal on
> earth.
Which live entirely in peaceful, female dominated societies. The only time males show up is to mate. Then they leave. This of course started another great conservative tradition.
> Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime),
> but most prefer white
> wine or foreign water in a bottle.
Actually, we prefer domestic microbrews, where the profit from the sale of the brew stays in the hands of the people who actually made it with great attention to detail, as opposed to some multi-national who’s more interested in how many bikini-clad babes they can cram into an ad.
>Liberals like
> deviant sex and want
> others to like it too.
Curiously, an interview I saw with a traveling call girl produced this little gem: “I much prefer working the Republican Convention. I make more money. They understand sex is a commodity.”
> construction workers, police officers,
Two great bastions of organized labor? Conservative? Righhht.
>Conservatives who own companies
> hire other conservatives
They of course hire these people with no regard to their actual talent, but with great regard to whether or not they attended the same fraternity. I would say where they attended college, but whether or not they were actually in class is questionable. Later, when they work their way into government, they award fat, no-bid contracts to said cronies, and say “they were the most qualified.” (See Halliburton, WorldCom, et al.)
>
> Liberals do not produce anything.
I guess symphonies, art, fine cuisine, etc just don’t count. Funny thing-take predominantly liberal Hollywood out of the trade surplus/deficit equation and see just how lopsided the scales become.
> They like to
> “govern” the producers
Unlike conservatives, who claim allegiance to a free market, and then get upset when the free market embraces things they don’t like. They will of course still sell those things, while bemoaning them at the same time. See Rupert Murdoch selling Faux News (We Distort, You Comply) to conservatives, while peddling some of the most offensive crap on network television (Temptation Island, anyone?)
> The American cowboy, of course, is your basic,
> full-bore Conservative.
Not quite. Unlike the modern American Neo-con, the Cowboy understands that if you strip-mine the prairie, it really f*&@s up the grazing land. The cowboy also understands that trees do not cause forest fires, open public spaces are good, and that clean water, on the whole, is something to protect.
> So, what’ll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or
> Imported?
Good old hand-crafted, small batch Kentucky Bourbon!
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