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The Yankee Guide to the South
www.thebigshow.com ^ | n/a | Joel Baker

Posted on 12/04/2004 1:50:28 PM PST by chasio649

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5. Do not buy food at the movie store.

6. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

7. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

8. People walk slower here.

9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

19. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

20. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

21. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

22. If you hear music from your neighbors house, join in on the chorus.

23. If you are a woman with a flat tire, don't worry - someone will be along shortly to change it for you. This is the South and we don't let our womenfolk change flat tires.

24. Yes, we do have garbage pickup twice a week here.

25. While you didn't realize it, the National Anthem does end with "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!"

26. However you did it in the North is of no concern to those of us in the South.

27. Flannel shirts can be considered formal wear in the wintertime.

28. Those nice white buildings on the street corners, across from the convenience stores, are called churches! Pick one and attend.

29. Learn to play softball.

30. Learn to eat watermelon. Seed spitting is optional but distance is a virtue.

31. You have 10 days to get your Alabama tape, Bear Bryant Cup and learn all of verses to "I'll Fly Away" after establishing residency. Get your drivers license when you get time to do it.

32. Learn to visit the Space and Rocket Center at least one time each year.

33. Appreciate leaving the house 30 minutes before concert time and being seated 10 minutes before concert time.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: dixie; postitagainsam; topten
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1 posted on 12/04/2004 1:50:28 PM PST by chasio649
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To: chasio649; MagnoliaMS; WKB; bourbon



On a serious note, #24 and #33 are absolutely true.

Pinging you magms and the 2 keepers of our MS list.


2 posted on 12/04/2004 1:56:39 PM PST by onyx
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To: chasio649; MeekOneGOP

BTTT


3 posted on 12/04/2004 2:03:01 PM PST by Fiddlstix (This Tagline for sale. (Presented by TagLines R US))
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To: onyx

I kinda liked #3.

Is it true?

D


4 posted on 12/04/2004 2:06:29 PM PST by daviddennis (;)
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To: chasio649
34 when it comes to food, never ask what it is... if it smells good - try some, if you like it ask for more, if you don't like don't eat it.
5 posted on 12/04/2004 2:07:34 PM PST by Chode (American Hedonist - Dubya... F**K YEAH!!!)
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To: onyx
And #26 is even more true.

gitmo

6 posted on 12/04/2004 2:08:18 PM PST by gitmo (Thanks, Mel. I needed that.)
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To: onyx
A lot of them are abosutely true, especially #26.

Does anyone have that email that circulated a couple of years ago about the yankee that moved here in the winter time and just loved the nice weather, no snow, etc., then it turned spring, then the unbearable summer. That is the funniest thing I've ever read but I lost it on an old computer.

7 posted on 12/04/2004 2:08:22 PM PST by PistolPaknMama (Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that -- Mark Twain)
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To: daviddennis

Yep. But they forgot to mention the dawgs in the back of the pickup.


8 posted on 12/04/2004 2:09:29 PM PST by gitmo (Thanks, Mel. I needed that.)
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To: daviddennis
I kinda liked #3. Is it true?

Scout's honor, it's true! :-)

9 posted on 12/04/2004 2:09:35 PM PST by PistolPaknMama (Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that -- Mark Twain)
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To: PistolPaknMama

Beatcha. By 4 whole seconds.


10 posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:07 PM PST by gitmo (Thanks, Mel. I needed that.)
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To: chasio649
As a Maryland boy living in Alabama, all I can say is: you ain't a-kiddin'.


11 posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:26 PM PST by Viking2002 (Taglines? Vikings don't need no steenkin' taglines..............)
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To: onyx

#17 always fascinated me. When I moved to the No. VA area in the late 70's, all the weather-guesser had to say was "chance of snow" and the Giant & Safeway parking lots were full.

Hells Bells, how much extra toilet paper and milk and bread do you need when the most you're going to be home is 2 days???

Now that I actually own a grocery store, I'm still amazed. People still do it...

Now, the liquor store and the smoke shop, I could understand!!.......


12 posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:51 PM PST by CTOCS (This space left intentionally blank...)
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To: chasio649

I've lived in both. Neither is perfect. But the North doesn't care how insecure the South is.


13 posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:59 PM PST by Glenn (The two keys to character: 1) Learn how to keep a secret. 2) ...)
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To: daviddennis
The number of guys and the amount of beer varies; but out of "the city", it's generally true!

I could add several, but I will say this one:
If you're a man and you answer a question with more than "uh-huh", you're considered 'talkative', and possibly rude.

14 posted on 12/04/2004 2:12:55 PM PST by alancarp (When does it cease to be "Freedom of the Press" and become outright SEDITION?)
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To: chasio649
Redneck Church

BTW, for those of you who can't read it, it says "Git-R-Done Fer God."

15 posted on 12/04/2004 2:15:25 PM PST by Angry Republican (yvan eht nioj!)
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To: gitmo

And, you forgot to mention about the truck having the cb antenna mounted atop the metal tool box or the dog coop (if it's that big). All pick-'em ups that are driven by natives down south have four wheel drive.


16 posted on 12/04/2004 2:16:10 PM PST by Y0K (IRS@BeGone.com)
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To: CTOCS

If you want some fun, work at a grocery store in MD during a snow threat. Chaos in its purest form.


17 posted on 12/04/2004 2:17:52 PM PST by Angry Republican (yvan eht nioj!)
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To: Glenn
I've lived in both. Neither is perfect. But the North doesn't care how insecure the South is.

Bingo! That's what I take away from all those people pointing to #26 in this list. It's kind of sad.
18 posted on 12/04/2004 2:19:11 PM PST by HostileTerritory
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To: daviddennis
Is it true?

You better believe it.

And that one incident will provide fodder for discussion and argument about everything from the best beer to drink (Bud, but Coors is running a close second), the best brand of truck to drive (Ford, but them hemis is good, too), the best overhauls to wear (Liberty with Carhart a close second), the best knife to carry (Case, what else, unless you can find a good Hen and Rooster), whether or not Mossy Oak is better than Real Tree Hardwoods (depends on the time of year and the game being pursued), the advantage of 3/8ths length chain over 5/8ths link, etc, etc.

All amongst themselves, of course.

And once out of earshot, after pulling you out, your choice of tires and brand of vehicle will be thoroughly dissected and the overall quality of drivers from other states will be decided.

Your parental lineage will be probably be questioned, unless you are a local; then there'll be no question, everybody will just know it.

And a large part of these conversations will occur over a period of several weeks, until the next snowbird or jack-leg idiot gets hisself stuck.

Then it starts all over again.

I know.

I've been there, done that.

Love it, too.

19 posted on 12/04/2004 2:24:22 PM PST by OldSmaj (Islam is a false religion. It's adherents and followers are doomed to hell.)
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To: Angry Republican
>>If you want some fun, work at a grocery store in MD during a snow threat.<<

It's been too many years since I lived in Maryland, but wasn't it bread and toilet paper that the wild-eyed crowds went for prior to a snowstorm?

20 posted on 12/04/2004 2:27:16 PM PST by Muleteam1
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To: Angry Republican

Fairfax and Loudoun County Giants and Safeways are pure enough chaos, thank you.

Go to MD? When they call the weather for snow, you can't get to MD from Loudoun county in anything less than a day and a half!! That would be through Tysons Corner, around the B-Way and across the Wilson Bridge. Good luck, my friend!!.......Cheers.....


21 posted on 12/04/2004 2:27:59 PM PST by CTOCS (This space left intentionally blank...)
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To: gitmo
Beatcha. By 4 whole seconds.

I saw that after I posted. :-)

22 posted on 12/04/2004 2:28:44 PM PST by PistolPaknMama (Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that -- Mark Twain)
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To: CTOCS
I just think it's funny. I lived in IL, where people were MUCH calmer about snow.

Yet here in MD, schools are closed, grocery stores are packed, and we are declared "State of Emergency."

23 posted on 12/04/2004 2:30:20 PM PST by Angry Republican (yvan eht nioj!)
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To: chasio649
7. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

OR, in the alternative: "Are you one of them there Eye-talians??"

24 posted on 12/04/2004 2:30:52 PM PST by F16Fighter
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To: chasio649

Rules for entering Texas:

1. Pull your stupid droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and High School Football are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang sight more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Texas, Texas A&M or Texas Tech. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas." If you do, it will get your butt whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:
"Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas."

GOD BLESS TEXAS!!!


25 posted on 12/04/2004 2:32:17 PM PST by Maria S
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To: chasio649
In the rural parts of the South, people would never think of taking anything that doesn't belong to them.

In my little town (pop. 400), the stamp machine at the Post Office malfunctions every so often, and spits out some stamps. They just hang there for days and days, because nobody will take them. Eventually the Postmaster comes and gets them, I think.

On a cold day, you can leave your car running in front of the store while you go inside and nobody will steal it.

You can leave $10,000 worth of tools in the bed of your pickup while you go into Wal-Mart and they will still be there when you get back.

And yes, you can still leave your home unlocked.

26 posted on 12/04/2004 2:32:29 PM PST by snopercod (Bigger government means clinton won. Less freedom means Osama won. Get it?)
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To: OldSmaj

LOL !!!!!


27 posted on 12/04/2004 2:32:39 PM PST by investigateworld (( Another Cali refugee in Oregon ))
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To: HostileTerritory

As a Yankee who lives in the South, one thing that I agree with native Southerners about is when any Yankee moves down to the South and then proceeds to complains about everything. They shouldn't be surprised by the locals' response to their whining.


28 posted on 12/04/2004 2:33:07 PM PST by Freepdonia (Victory is Ours! (I told you so :-))
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To: Muleteam1
Those were the two big ones, but people would buy enough food to feed at least two third-world countries.

All in all, snow ain't that bad! Relax and deal with it!

29 posted on 12/04/2004 2:33:19 PM PST by Angry Republican (yvan eht nioj!)
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To: chasio649
I love these compilations

I was born in New Jersey but
Southern by the Grace of God
BTW #31 - is "Go Big Orange", Gotta luv Lady Vols Basketball and Pat Summit
30 posted on 12/04/2004 2:34:44 PM PST by HangnJudge
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To: chasio649
Years ago I was doing a presentation to hundreds of trainees (in a series of classes) and one of my slides got messed up in the production.

It was s'posed to say "S O U T H".

Instead, it said "S O U F".

I had this big ol' stainless steel yardstick, so we all had a good laugh at the intro' when I raised up that there ruler and ast how many folks "attended a parochial school". Just kinda' hit your hand with it a bit. We had people crying out "Please have mercy" naming the nun who'd smacked them. People were rolling in the aisles.

Then we got to that "S O U F" slide, and they were primed. The little titters of laughter started popping up here and there as first one person noticed, then another, then groups, and shortly they were rolling in the aisle again.

These are architypal images at work here ~ and even if you are in the "S O U F", they still know what nuns use stainless steel yardsticks for.

BTW, most Catholic churches in the "S O U F" have brick or stone exteriors. The white ones belong to the Baptists or the Methodists.

It's the other way around in Connecticut except there ain't no Baptists!.

31 posted on 12/04/2004 2:38:27 PM PST by muawiyah
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To: chasio649
#3 is definitely true.

The first time it happened was when my girlfriend and I turned off on a clay road not realyzing it had recently been torn up in preparation for paving. The car immediately sank. Not more than 5 minutes later, three young men in a pickup came by, stopped, got out a chain and pulled us out and left before we could even thank them.

The second time was when my car caught on fire near Douglas Georgia. Within two or three minutes several people had stopped, helped me put it out and one followed me thirty five miles to make sure I got home ok.

32 posted on 12/04/2004 2:39:23 PM PST by yarddog
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To: chasio649

LOL!

I am from a small town in NC and this list made me laugh. It is so true, especially #1, #4, and #5! I made the mistake of buying some candy in the movie store once. Believe me, I will never do that again. The chocolate was so old that it was half brown and half white. *smile*

Still laughing,
Joy

P.S. The "Hey, y'all, watch this!" line was good also. This is usually said by someone who's had a little too many beers and is about to show off.


33 posted on 12/04/2004 2:39:51 PM PST by happy_happy_joy_joy (True joy comes from within.....)
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To: onyx

Thanks for the ping!

However, #24 is not true in my little town. I'm glad it is in yours. LOL. But we do at least get free garbage bags twice a year!


34 posted on 12/04/2004 2:39:58 PM PST by MagnoliaMS
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To: chasio649

#19 is not true of North Florida. In fact Northwest Fla is probably about as Southern as you can get.


35 posted on 12/04/2004 2:42:18 PM PST by yarddog
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To: chasio649

34. The x is silent in roux, it's pronounced "roo".
35. La. natives do not have webbed toes.
36. Don't go PC on us; we'll just laugh our ass off at your expense.


36 posted on 12/04/2004 2:43:52 PM PST by Atchafalaya (When you're there, thats the best!)
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To: msdrby; Wneighbor; g'nad; Corin Stormhands

ping


37 posted on 12/04/2004 2:44:15 PM PST by Professional Engineer (My clutch foot is tired of Paradigm Shifts. Don't we have automatics yet?)
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To: PistolPaknMama
A lot of them are abosutely true, especially #26.

"That's not the way we did it in [insert name of northern city]!"

38 posted on 12/04/2004 2:47:31 PM PST by FreedomCalls (It's the "Statue of Liberty," not the "Statue of Security.")
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To: daviddennis

Yes #3 is true. And women don't change tires here. Someone will come along and you can trust them.

34. If you meet a funeral procession on the highway, stop pull over to the side of the road and wait for the end of the procession to pay respect for the dead.


39 posted on 12/04/2004 2:48:29 PM PST by DAVEY CROCKETT (Character exalts Liberty and Freedom, Righteous exalts a Nation.)
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To: Glenn

34. We could care less what you think.


40 posted on 12/04/2004 2:51:14 PM PST by DAVEY CROCKETT (Character exalts Liberty and Freedom, Righteous exalts a Nation.)
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To: HostileTerritory

I've lived in both. Neither is perfect. But the North doesn't care how insecure the South is.

Bingo! That's what I take away from all those people pointing to #26 in this list. It's kind of sad.

37. We could care less if you are sad Please keep your sadness up there.


41 posted on 12/04/2004 2:54:47 PM PST by DAVEY CROCKETT (Character exalts Liberty and Freedom, Righteous exalts a Nation.)
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To: Atchafalaya

Roux, beaucoup, true all rhyme, y'all hear?


42 posted on 12/04/2004 2:55:39 PM PST by Knitting A Conundrum (Act Justly, Love Mercy, and Walk Humbly With God Micah 6:8)
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To: chasio649
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

Actually my wife does save bacon grease. She uses it to make home-made suet cakes for the birds. By the time winter comes, she has quite a few in the freezer. We put out the first one of the season this week.

43 posted on 12/04/2004 2:56:56 PM PST by JoeFromSidney (My book is out. Read excerpts at http://www.thejusticecooperative.com)
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To: Freepdonia
"Yankee moves down to the South and then proceeds to complains about everything."

Not only that but try to convert us to their way of thinking.

44 posted on 12/04/2004 3:02:15 PM PST by El Gran Salseron (My wife just won the "Inmate of the Month" Award! :-))
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To: El Gran Salseron
Not only that but try to convert us to their way of thinking.

Not all of us.
45 posted on 12/04/2004 3:03:27 PM PST by Freepdonia (Victory is Ours! (I told you so :-))
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To: chasio649

I wish I had a dime for every time this has been posted...


I would have a truck load of dimes...


And a truck load of bull$h!t.


46 posted on 12/04/2004 3:06:34 PM PST by socal_parrot (LA woman gonna hafta do...)
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To: chasio649

I agree with all of it, except the Alabama stuff.

General Neyland pwn3d the Bear. :D


47 posted on 12/04/2004 3:06:47 PM PST by Constantine XIII
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To: chasio649
19. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there

This is not true north of,let's say Gainesville.

48 posted on 12/04/2004 3:07:06 PM PST by oldsalt
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To: HangnJudge

Vols wøøt!


49 posted on 12/04/2004 3:07:13 PM PST by Constantine XIII
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To: HostileTerritory; Glenn
I've lived in both. Neither is perfect. But the North doesn't care how insecure the South is.

How would you know? When we lived up North no one ever came out of their basement long enough to talk to. And I swear their faces would have cracked and fallen off it they returned a smile in the grocery store. I found the people to be as cold as the weather.

50 posted on 12/04/2004 3:08:33 PM PST by TXBubba ( Democrats: If they don't abort you then they will tax you to death.)
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