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The Yankee Guide to the South
www.thebigshow.com ^ | n/a | Joel Baker

Posted on 12/04/2004 1:50:28 PM PST by chasio649

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5. Do not buy food at the movie store.

6. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

7. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

8. People walk slower here.

9. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

12. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

19. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

20. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

21. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

22. If you hear music from your neighbors house, join in on the chorus.

23. If you are a woman with a flat tire, don't worry - someone will be along shortly to change it for you. This is the South and we don't let our womenfolk change flat tires.

24. Yes, we do have garbage pickup twice a week here.

25. While you didn't realize it, the National Anthem does end with "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!"

26. However you did it in the North is of no concern to those of us in the South.

27. Flannel shirts can be considered formal wear in the wintertime.

28. Those nice white buildings on the street corners, across from the convenience stores, are called churches! Pick one and attend.

29. Learn to play softball.

30. Learn to eat watermelon. Seed spitting is optional but distance is a virtue.

31. You have 10 days to get your Alabama tape, Bear Bryant Cup and learn all of verses to "I'll Fly Away" after establishing residency. Get your drivers license when you get time to do it.

32. Learn to visit the Space and Rocket Center at least one time each year.

33. Appreciate leaving the house 30 minutes before concert time and being seated 10 minutes before concert time.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: dixie; postitagainsam; topten
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1 posted on 12/04/2004 1:50:28 PM PST by chasio649
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To: chasio649; MagnoliaMS; WKB; bourbon



On a serious note, #24 and #33 are absolutely true.

Pinging you magms and the 2 keepers of our MS list.


2 posted on 12/04/2004 1:56:39 PM PST by onyx
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To: chasio649; MeekOneGOP

BTTT


3 posted on 12/04/2004 2:03:01 PM PST by Fiddlstix (This Tagline for sale. (Presented by TagLines R US))
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To: onyx

I kinda liked #3.

Is it true?

D


4 posted on 12/04/2004 2:06:29 PM PST by daviddennis (;)
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To: chasio649
34 when it comes to food, never ask what it is... if it smells good - try some, if you like it ask for more, if you don't like don't eat it.
5 posted on 12/04/2004 2:07:34 PM PST by Chode (American Hedonist - Dubya... F**K YEAH!!!)
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To: onyx
And #26 is even more true.

gitmo

6 posted on 12/04/2004 2:08:18 PM PST by gitmo (Thanks, Mel. I needed that.)
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To: onyx
A lot of them are abosutely true, especially #26.

Does anyone have that email that circulated a couple of years ago about the yankee that moved here in the winter time and just loved the nice weather, no snow, etc., then it turned spring, then the unbearable summer. That is the funniest thing I've ever read but I lost it on an old computer.

7 posted on 12/04/2004 2:08:22 PM PST by PistolPaknMama (Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that -- Mark Twain)
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To: daviddennis

Yep. But they forgot to mention the dawgs in the back of the pickup.


8 posted on 12/04/2004 2:09:29 PM PST by gitmo (Thanks, Mel. I needed that.)
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To: daviddennis
I kinda liked #3. Is it true?

Scout's honor, it's true! :-)

9 posted on 12/04/2004 2:09:35 PM PST by PistolPaknMama (Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that -- Mark Twain)
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To: PistolPaknMama

Beatcha. By 4 whole seconds.


10 posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:07 PM PST by gitmo (Thanks, Mel. I needed that.)
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To: chasio649
As a Maryland boy living in Alabama, all I can say is: you ain't a-kiddin'.


11 posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:26 PM PST by Viking2002 (Taglines? Vikings don't need no steenkin' taglines..............)
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To: onyx

#17 always fascinated me. When I moved to the No. VA area in the late 70's, all the weather-guesser had to say was "chance of snow" and the Giant & Safeway parking lots were full.

Hells Bells, how much extra toilet paper and milk and bread do you need when the most you're going to be home is 2 days???

Now that I actually own a grocery store, I'm still amazed. People still do it...

Now, the liquor store and the smoke shop, I could understand!!.......


12 posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:51 PM PST by CTOCS (This space left intentionally blank...)
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To: chasio649

I've lived in both. Neither is perfect. But the North doesn't care how insecure the South is.


13 posted on 12/04/2004 2:10:59 PM PST by Glenn (The two keys to character: 1) Learn how to keep a secret. 2) ...)
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To: daviddennis
The number of guys and the amount of beer varies; but out of "the city", it's generally true!

I could add several, but I will say this one:
If you're a man and you answer a question with more than "uh-huh", you're considered 'talkative', and possibly rude.

14 posted on 12/04/2004 2:12:55 PM PST by alancarp (When does it cease to be "Freedom of the Press" and become outright SEDITION?)
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To: chasio649
Redneck Church

BTW, for those of you who can't read it, it says "Git-R-Done Fer God."

15 posted on 12/04/2004 2:15:25 PM PST by Angry Republican (yvan eht nioj!)
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To: gitmo

And, you forgot to mention about the truck having the cb antenna mounted atop the metal tool box or the dog coop (if it's that big). All pick-'em ups that are driven by natives down south have four wheel drive.


16 posted on 12/04/2004 2:16:10 PM PST by Y0K (IRS@BeGone.com)
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To: CTOCS

If you want some fun, work at a grocery store in MD during a snow threat. Chaos in its purest form.


17 posted on 12/04/2004 2:17:52 PM PST by Angry Republican (yvan eht nioj!)
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To: Glenn
I've lived in both. Neither is perfect. But the North doesn't care how insecure the South is.

Bingo! That's what I take away from all those people pointing to #26 in this list. It's kind of sad.
18 posted on 12/04/2004 2:19:11 PM PST by HostileTerritory
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To: daviddennis
Is it true?

You better believe it.

And that one incident will provide fodder for discussion and argument about everything from the best beer to drink (Bud, but Coors is running a close second), the best brand of truck to drive (Ford, but them hemis is good, too), the best overhauls to wear (Liberty with Carhart a close second), the best knife to carry (Case, what else, unless you can find a good Hen and Rooster), whether or not Mossy Oak is better than Real Tree Hardwoods (depends on the time of year and the game being pursued), the advantage of 3/8ths length chain over 5/8ths link, etc, etc.

All amongst themselves, of course.

And once out of earshot, after pulling you out, your choice of tires and brand of vehicle will be thoroughly dissected and the overall quality of drivers from other states will be decided.

Your parental lineage will be probably be questioned, unless you are a local; then there'll be no question, everybody will just know it.

And a large part of these conversations will occur over a period of several weeks, until the next snowbird or jack-leg idiot gets hisself stuck.

Then it starts all over again.

I know.

I've been there, done that.

Love it, too.

19 posted on 12/04/2004 2:24:22 PM PST by OldSmaj (Islam is a false religion. It's adherents and followers are doomed to hell.)
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To: Angry Republican
>>If you want some fun, work at a grocery store in MD during a snow threat.<<

It's been too many years since I lived in Maryland, but wasn't it bread and toilet paper that the wild-eyed crowds went for prior to a snowstorm?

20 posted on 12/04/2004 2:27:16 PM PST by Muleteam1
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