Posted on 12/17/2004 9:25:01 AM PST by John Robertson
No advice John, but I'll send up a prayer.
If you will tell us where you are, someone might know who to contact.
SO9
Truly sorry to hear of your difficulty. I worked for a short time with anorexia sufferers so I know what a tough disease it is to beat, but am no expert. All I can say is that there doesn't seem to be any one particular cure and the treatment (nutrition, therapy, antidepressants etc) should be tailored to the individual patient's circumstances.
One thing to be aware of is the plethora of 'pro ana' websites (just google the term for further info), but basically anorexics and aspiring anorexics offer support in remaining that way and avoiding treatment. They have received a lot of criticism due to the feeling they are encouraging anorexia as a 'lifestyle choice'. This may not be relevant for you but some of these sites offer an interesting insight into what some young women are thinking.
Sorry I can't be of more help.
Flitton
I also recognize that there is more to Anorexia than that. Prayers for your family and for your beautiful daughter.
Read up on it tons.
Track down an authentic, sensitive, Christian, gifted, woman counselor.
You might see if you could find some slightly older Christian women from a support group who'd been through it but very successfully and well and firmly THROUGH WITH it.
I think I'd monitor my own and spouse's perfectionism overt and subtle. I'd bend over backwards communicating affirmations for warranted, authentic things in authentic tones and ways suited for the specifics.
I'd probably stage but not obviously so, some shared tasks wherein there was a lot of chance for imperfection--and I'd demonstrate casually and easily and jovially that MINOR THINGS REALLY DID NOT MATTER.
In some contexts with the rest of the family, I might even START a food fight. All the better if it's in SOME public situations providing it wouldn't freak her out toooooo much. The goal would be to end up with soiled clothing and some further public errands or tasks to do where others would see the soiled clothing--and YOU THE PARENT would behave absolutely as if there was not a single thing wrong.
The objective would be to DEMONSTRATE IN FUN WAYS WITH A FUN ATTITUDE that what others thing about one's self is not necessarily ANYTHING to even bother about at all--even in some extreme sorts of contexts--as with food obviously on one's nice clothes.
I'd think up a LOT of creative ways to, for example, draw a circle and not close it fully. To leave things ragged edged and NON-OBSESSIVELY tended to. I'd put things askew on the coffee table. I'd leave socks on the family room floor. I'd leave half my shirt tail out. Certainly I'd try to be clever and gradual and coy and wise about such things but I'd do such to DEMONSTRATE AND COMMUNICATE THAT APPEARANCES DO NOT MATTER compared to heart attitude and worth as made in God's image.
I'd listen tons and listen actively feeding back in my own words what I was hearing and especially saying word pictures describing what I felt she was FEELING.
Sounds like you were feeling . . . . in that situation.
I'd have felt . . . . in that situation.
Sounds like you really felt caught in a bind in that situation.
Sounds like you really felt frustrated with your friend/teacher/mother/
Sounds like you were really angry. What would you like to do next time in such a situation?
AVOID JUDGMENTAL COMMENT OR INSINUATIONS. Just draw her out AND LISTEN tons.
The maddening thing about it is THE CONTROL issue. It is life threatening. And at some point, you'd have to take control and insure that she ate. Up to that point, the child often feels OUT OF CONTROL and DESPERATE TO HAVE SOME CONTROL IN HER LIFE. And food intake they can control. I'd follow the advice of a counselor who had a LOT of anorexics under their belt on such a matter as food. It's really tricky very often.
I think I'd bend over backwards giving her control over safe areas of her life.
But mostly I'd affirm her as a person; as my daughter; as the unique, gifted individual that she is etc. I'd ask her help in lots of DOING tasks even if I had to stage them. But they need to be somewhat meaningful tasks. The more important, the better.
Some could be a crafts, creating task whether cooking together; carpentry; pottery; whatever. Emphasize that the relating is the key without saying so--that the relating and time shared is A MUCH, MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THING than DOING THE TASK *PERFECTLY*.
It's not per se a rational thing. They will look at themselves in the mirror and see a fat person. Arguing with them and insisting that their perceptions are screwy should probably be left to the counselor. Too easy to become counter productive.
WHEN SOMETHING ISN'T WORKING--DO SOMETHING ELSE!!!
BE CREATIVE. BE A BIT OFF THE WALL. BE SPONTANEOUS. BE CARE FREE. BE SILLY. BE FUN. EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD TO *LEARN* TO BE THOSE THINGS.
HUG, HUG, HUG, HUG EVERY TIME YOU CAN AND IT BE NATURAL, CASUAL, FITTING, ACCEPTED.
IF YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE ON OTHERS TO GET HUGGING BETTER, RIGHT, MORE FLOWY ETC. FIRST--DO SO.
When something doesn't click quite right at first effort(s), note it and say that you're sorry you're such a klutz but you just love her so intensely and are determined that she learn better how much you care for her--and that you'll jump through as many hoops as it takes for her to get that message. You can say that a 100 times a day but in different ways.
Guess off the top of my head--that's my input. I haven't read up on it recently. Had several clients with the problem. Usually did well with them. Been 10 or so years ago.
Please keep us posted. Even by FREEPMAIL if you wish.
GOD'S BEST TO YOU AND FAMILY.
CERTAINLY PRAYERS.
LUB,
Dear John,
I hate to hear this about your dear daughter. It is very good that your wife is desperately seeking the correct and adequate help/treatment for her. As one who experienced a type of eating disorder some years ago, let me say: anorexia is NOT about food. There are under-lying problems. (1)Please don't send her back to school just yet, as universities are notorious breeding grounds for eating disorders among girls. Sororities are particularly worrisome in that regard. I've heard stories of janitors on campuses being accustomed to backed-up drains in girls dorm bathrooms because of purging. Have her take a sememster off for treatment purposes and some down-time with the family. (2) Please show her, in word and deed, the great love you have for her. Let her know that she is THE jewel in your crown! (3) Be patient with her. Listen when she wants to talk and, for Heaven's sake, don't make light of any of her concerns. (4) In terms of treatment, get her the best that your means will allow. The professionals in the field are really magnificent. I am waxing long, but allow me one more: (5)DON'T LEAVE HER ALONE. Keep her bedroom door open at all times. Let your wife in the room when your daughter showers and (if necessary) keep the shower curtain open. Just keep an eye on her.
We're praying for her. She'll be all right!
. I suggest you read PSALM 139 to her SLOWLY so that the meaning sinks in. That Psalm, if understood, will help anyone find peace. It has certainly helped me many times.
As you already may know, God is much, much bigger than your problem. God be with you especially during this season. The scriptures are your answer.
While she's home see if you can't get her to drink some Ensure. Perhaps not all at once, but every hour or so.
Don't pretend nothing is wrong, tell her how worried you are.
You have FRmail.
You've got them.
Some anti-depressants can help.
One layman's caveat here. (And I'm not against these drugs in general). With some antidepressants, diminished appetite, a common side-effect, is obviously a Bad Thing under the circumstances.
As they say, "ask your physician."
Senior year, I became waaaay too thin - was buying my jeans in the little boy's department, and still thought I was "too fat". People were getting concerned about my health.
I thought I looked great, and only when I saw a picture of myself in my graduation gown did I understand. It looked like the gown was on a hanger, not a person.
Sometimes what you see in the mirror is entirely different than what you see in a picture. Try snapping a few photos.
I will be praying for your daughter, and your family.
I am praying for your daughter right now. Thank you for being a concerned father.
Faith & patient love...
It may be possible it's stress induced, as well. I went to a Christian school, and even there, they said 25% of the girls had some sort of eating disorder (overeating, bulemia, anorexia)
Usually, a girl wants to look thin at first, like all the images everywhere in the media. Girls don't feel right with an ounce of fat on them any more (sorry, that should sadly read WHITE girls), and believe me, men (even plenty of Freeper men) are part of that problem. They will call anyone over 115 lbs a PORKER or worse.
So your daughter, a successful, competent girl, decided to lose weight by sheer self-control. And it worked! She may have a "perfectionist" tendency. Then when she got down to her goal weight, it was still so easy to keep going. Why not get a little bit thinner? Once she got below enough fat %age to lose her cycles, it started to become an obsession. Probably in her case at this time it doesn't involve overexercising but undereating. She has become mentally ill at this point, avoiding probably all food but one or two small things a day (which could be strange foods or combinations, like "2 sticks of red licorice a day" or "one salad, no dressing" or "1 slice of orange for breakfast, 1 carrot for lunch, 1 celery stalk for dinner").
They sometimes use another sense to explore the forbidden food. I knew one girl who would buy a cake and sit there and run her fingers through it over and over, then throw it all out.
Being able to control her eating even while literally starving is giving her pleasure somehow and she is kind of STUCK.
She will need serious help, inpatient treatment. I hope you find a great place for her that will treat the whole person.
I remember my SIL before she married my brother wearing big piles of clothing to hide her skeletal body. On a hot day, big ugly veins stuck out all over her.
My SIL is still stuck on thin in her mid-30s. However, it has translated into a functional stage. She will eat protein now, either chicken or nonfat cottage cheese. She has some fertility now, and is pregnant with her 3rd child. But she runs 15 miles 3x a week, throughout pregnancy, against doctor's orders. She goes back to running 2 days after birth, against doctor's orders. She exercises over 2 hours a day, and only eats vegetables, apart from that 1-2 servings of protein a day. But she is functioning and her babies have been healthy if small.
That may not be your daughter's fate, though. I have met women in their 30s who are pleasingly plump and simply "got over" their earlier anorexia. My SIL is definitely a perfectionist still. Fat is her enemy.
I will pray for your daughter. I hope she gets help immediately. She will fight you but ultimately that fight is good: it will internalize your love for her in her brain and she will NOT forget it. One day she will have a child of her own and will understand your powerful love at last, and would do the same for her child.
I do want to say that though I am no fan of the Hollywood crowd, I am proud of the few younger stars who do allow roundness to be part of their bodies. They look much nicer than the stick figures. The round trend (think Marilyn Monroe!) could bring some normalcy back to both these girls who try to be so thin that they put their health at risk and to the stupid young boys who put each other down for having "fat" girlfriends (curves are NICE, boys!).
My prayers for your family during this difficult time.
My only experience with anorexia was a friend's sister and what she told me about it. They tried all sorts of ways to help her, but she wouldn't admit she needed help - so none of it worked.
Like any other mental illness, one has to ADMIT there's a problem before any help will work.
I pray for your strength and her clarity of purpose.
For what ever reason, her self-esteme has taking a beating. But love and patience can repair the damage.
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