Skip to comments.Lawyer-joke tellers hire...a lawyer (Update on the two old dudes arrested for telling lawyer jokes!)
Posted on 01/15/2005 4:12:09 PM PST by FormerACLUmember
Those two Long Island men who say they were arrested for telling lawyer jokes at a Nassau County courthouse (see yesterday's post) were soon deluged with offers by lawyers to represent them for free. Reports Newsday:
"Barbara Bernstein, executive director of the Nassau chapter of the New York Civil Liberties Union, said she found the arrests "bewildering" and she called the men yesterday to determine whether the organization could help. "It's just bewildering and preposterous that they should be arrested for telling lawyer jokes," Bernstein said. "What's the violation of law here?" (Zachary R. Dowdy, "Lawyers offer help after pair's anti-lawyer joke arrest", Newsday, Jan. 13). The two men, Harvey Kash, and Carl Lanzisera, have now accepted an offer of representation by radical attorney and New York radio personality Ron Kuby. ("Kuby takes jokers' case", Jan. 14).
The question yet remains: Will this trial become a joke?
This is gonna get good...
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get onto his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Its obviously a hate crime, anyone who has half a brain can see that.
This is indeed getting very interesting! The lawyers who complained about the jokes showed themselves to be total @sses. This'll be fun to follow!
Stop me if you've heard this one before...
There were these 2 guys telling lawyer jokes when suddenly this lawyer overhears them. He has them arrested.
Our legal system is a joke.
How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
An engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A: To keep their foreskin pulled back.
(Told to me by a good friend, who is regrettably a lawyer.)
his mouth is open
Three surgeons take a day off for a game of golf.
The first surgeon says, "I think accountants are the easiest patients to operate on because when you open them up everything is in order."
The second surgeon says, "No, electricians are easiest. When you open them up, everything is color-coded."
The third surgeon, the most senior of the three, then offers his sage opinion. "You're both wrong. Lawyers are the easiest patients to operate on, because when you open them up, you find that they are gutless, heartless, and spineless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."
His lips are moving.
Its obviously a hate crime, anyone who has half a brain can see that.
Nope... it's a hate lawers crime, anyone who has the other half a brain can see that. ;-))
Heard any good lawyer jokes lately?
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
This could be fun.
LMAO!--How long have you been waiting to use that one?
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"
Beyond these good folks, the lawyer industry is utterly corrupt and in severe need of many, many reforms. Lawyer jokes are a symptom of a vast groundswell of a coming great revolution against the shysters.
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."
Post #4 is a red state (farmer) vs. Blue state (lawyer) commentary!
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."
"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."
The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
That's what I'm thinking, too! : )
Neither do I. I have a good friend who does family law, wills, probate, divorce, etc. He hates divorce, but he lives in a small town (just less than 1,000 population), so that's rare. He's a great guy and helped me with some legalities with a 17 year old who lived with us once.
saw it, his lips are moving.
right on mark very good
I got an email something like that once, utterly amazing.
Found this, similar to what you posted, these are actual transcripts and questions. No wonder everyone hates lawyers.
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when you picture was taken?"
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.
"Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
Q: So the date of conception was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Judge: Please begin.
Counsel: Thank. [to witness] Miss, while you have, if you do have -- you still -- oh, you don't.
Judge: That was a great start, counsel.
My question is why is there going to be a trial in the first place?
This kind of oppression is typical in France, but my goodness I thought we were above it!
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
The wing tips...
we must have the same book: "Lawyers Jokes, Quotes, and Anecdotes
I don't have a book, but everyone thinks lawyers are slime (even my decent lawyer friends), I get lot's of emails on it from my circle of acquaintances.
Plus, bashing lawyers is a good Saturday night activity...
Was it a bad joke or something?
"This kind of oppression is typical in France, but my goodness I thought we were above it!"
Chances are it'll never go to trial. It does tell us the kind of people we're dealing with.
"Chances are it'll never go to trial. It does tell us the kind of people we're dealing with."
Trial schmial. Two men were arrested and handcuffed over this. So what if it never goes to trial? We are at the point that it is an easy thing to find people in a position of authority who will do something like this.
There are things which on their face are not subject to dipute in court or before a desk sgt. Sadly it is past time for a rope and a lampost.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things going down there?"
"Things are going great!" Satan replies. "We've got an engineer working for us, and now we've got air conditioning, escelators, and cold showers."
"What???" God exclaims. "He doesn't belong down there! Send him up here right away, or I'll sue!"
Satan laughs and says, "Yeah, right. Like where are you going to get a lawyer?"