The Male Perspective on (ugh) Commitment (Dave Barry)(LOL)

Today, in our continuing series on How Guys Think, we address the painful issue of: Why Guys Won't Make Commitments.

The fundamental question is: How can a guy say he's ''not ready'' to make a permanent commitment to a woman with whom he is obviously compatible; a woman with whom he has been intimate for years; a woman who once drove HIS dog to the veterinarian in HER new car when it (the dog) started regurgitating violently after eating an entire birthday cake, including candles, that SHE made from scratch for HIM (the guy), the result being that her car will smell like a stadium restroom for the next five years, at the end of which this guy will probably still say he's ''not ready''? And how come the same guy was somehow capable, at age 7, of committing himself to a lifelong, passionate, win-or-lose relationship with the Kansas City Royals, who have never so much as sent him a card?

I bring this issue up because of a letter I received from a woman named Suzanne, who's in love with a guy named Gary. Recently, after a two-year relationship, Gary told Suzanne that he felt -- this is classic guy thinking -- they should either break up or get married, and naturally, being ''not ready,'' he stopped seeing her. So now Suzanne, according to her letter, is depressed to the point of ``lunging at any chocolate within 20 feet.''

''Dave,'' she writes, 'I don't understand why some men seem to have more access to automatic teller machines than to their own emotions. Gary reads your column, so could you please write a piece about the myth of `hearing bells'; or why guys hate to give up their freedom; or how some guys wouldn't know a good wife if she hit him on the head with her diaphragm.''

Suzanne also asked me to ''hide subliminal messages in the column'' to encourage Gary to make a commitment.

Of course, as a professional journalist, I would never resort to psychological trickery (Gary! Marry Suzanne!). But I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness.

This is natural behavior. (Give her a ring, Gary!) Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get Married, Some Single Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You. Married guys assume that unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement involving Jacuzzis full of international fashion models, whereas, for most unmarried guys the climax of the typical evening is watching ''America's Most Alarming Criminals'' while eating onion dip straight from the container. This is also true of married guys, but statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.

Single guys rarely achieve this level of domesticity, which is why they are unhappy. I base this statement on my bachelor friend Randall. At one time he and I were bachelors together in an apartment furnished entirely with piles of laundry and a rabbit who drank beer. This was a stimulating period in my life, characterized by a great deal of personal growth and exploration and illegal naked swimming. But eventually I wisely settled down and got married, whereas Randall never did. So I called him to confirm that he is now experiencing a painful void in his life.

''Randall,'' I said. ``There must be a painful void in your life caused by a lack of intimacy and commitment.''

Of course, Randall was only making a brave effort to hide his deep-rooted anguish.

(Men have been getting married for millions of years, Gary! Don't break the chain!)

Randall's pathetic self-delusion is typical of noncommitted guys. (Raymond L. Wombert, of Toledo, Ohio, broke the chain, and the next day he was hit by a cement truck!) We can only hope that, as men learn to get more in touch with their feelings, they will overcome this foolish fear of vulnerability and realize the benefits of meaningful commitment. (Suzanne may have already won $10 million in the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes!)

I myself have been married for 2,368 years, and can state without hesitation that every single day has been more exciting and romantic than the one before. (My wife reads this column.)

If women wanted to know -- post haste -- if the "compatible" mate material was into commitment, they'd risk real sex instead of just beating Mr. Right over the head with a diaphragm to remind him that it's Time to put up or shut up.

It's just a funny line, that's all, when you figure in the fact that contraception (particularly as a "woman's responsibility") is so directly responsible for the fact that marriage is as "optional" as children.

Marriage is about family. Re-form it into some partnership of mutual economic benefit between sex partners and there's really no point. Why bother.

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