Root Causes, Homosexual Consequences

People Can Change ^ | 2004

[scripter]

They say opposites attract.

That maxim, in the very simplest of terms, explains much about our former homosexual condition and how we were able to uncover the underlying problems creating it.

As long as we felt that men were the opposite from us, while we identified with women as our sisters, we remained attracted to our opposite -- the mysterious, unknown masculine. To us, it often felt like men were the opposite sex, so being sexually attracted to them felt natural. Initially, at least, we didn't feel homosexual so much as we felt genderless and, lacking sufficient maleness within ourselves, attracted to that which we felt would make us feel masculine and whole.

Every man has a masculine drive. In our case, that drive inadvertently became sexualized. But we also found it could become desexualized as we fulfilled that masculine drive in more emotionally grounded ways.

We discovered the path to healing as we came to understand that, at least in our case, our homosexual feelings were not the problem but were actually symptoms of deeper, underlying problems and long-buried pain that usually had little or nothing to do with erotic desire. Rather, they had to do with our self-identity, self-esteem (especially our "gender esteem"), relationships and spiritual life. Once we discovered and healed the underlying pain, the symptoms of homosexuality began to take care of themselves.

Survey on Root Causes

In 2004, People Can Change surveyed the members of its online support groups to determine what they perceived to have been the most significant causes of their developing homosexual feelings in their own lives. We asked about 25 possible factors -- everything from biology to personal choice. More than 200 men responded.

To view the survey summary, click here.

(Keep in mind that this is not a survey of the beliefs of the general "gay" population -- those who have accepted a gay identity and are happy in that life. Rather, it is a survey of the beliefs of those who are seeking to overcome or minimize homosexual desires. Gays may or may not answer these questions differently.)

1. Father-son relationship problems: In the survey, 97% said problems in the father-son relationship while they were growing up contributed to their developing same-sex attractions (SSA) -- and men usually identified it as one of the three most significant factors. (See especially page 6 of the survey.)

• It seems very rare for a man who struggles with homosexuality to feel that he was sufficiently loved, affirmed and mentored by his father growing up, or that he identified with his father as a male role model. Oftentimes the father-son relationship is marked by either actual or perceived abandonment, extended absence, hostility or disinterest (a form of abandonment).
  
  Like all human experience, this is not universal, and sometimes the father-son relationship doesn't seem to have been a problem. Rather, the relationship with brothers or male peers or male abusers may have created deep wounding. Whatever the source of the estrangement, it is a common experience for many of us to have felt a deep longing to be held, to be loved by a father figure, to be mentored into the world of men and to have our masculine natures affirmed by other men.

2. Conflict with male peers: The same percentage of men who said father-son problems contributed to their SSA -- 97% -- also said problems in their male-peer relationships contributed. And half said it was one of the "top three" factors. (See especially page 7 of the survey.)

• Somehow, even as boys or young teenagers, we felt like we were never "man enough." We felt like we didn't live up to the masculine ideal. We saw ourselves as too fat or too skinny, too short or too awkward, not athletic enough or tough or strong or good-looking enough -- or whatever other qualities we admired in other males but judged to be lacking in ourselves. It was more than low self-esteem, it was low gender esteem -- a deficiency in our core sense of gender upon which our whole self image is built. Other males just seemed naturally masculine, but masculinity never came naturally to us. We aspired to it but were mystified by how to achieve it. Among other males, we felt different and lonely.

  Feeling deficient as males, we pined to be accepted and affirmed by others, especially those whose masculinity we admired most. We began to idolize the qualities in other males that we judged to be lacking in ourselves. Idolizing them widened the gulf we imagined between ourselves and so-called "real men." In idolizing them, we increased our sense of our own masculine deficiency.

  At the same time that we idolized certain male traits or maleness generally, many of us came to fear other boys and men. Born with unusually sensitive and gentle personalities, we found it was easy for many of us to feel different from and rejected by our more rough-and-tumble peers growing up. We came to fear their taunts and felt like we could never belong. Many of us feared the sports field and felt like we could never compete. Many of us felt rejected by our fathers and feared that we could never measure up or would never really matter to them.

  So where did this leave us, as males ourselves? It left us in a Neverland of gender confusion, not fully masculine but not really feminine either. We had disassociated not just from individual men we feared would hurt us, but from the entire heterosexual male world. Some of us even detached from our very masculinity as something shameful and inferior.

3. Mother-son relationships (and the "smothering mother" syndrome): Nine out of 10 survey respondents said aspects of their relationships with their mothers contributed to their SSA. (See especially page 8 of the survey.)

• Even as we perceived our fathers as abandoning, ignoring or being hostile toward us, it was a common experience for us to over-identify with or become overly dependent on our mothers. Oftentimes, we never fully cut the "apron strings" that attached our identity to hers. Mom often became our confidant and mentor instead of Dad. But Mom could never show us how to act and think like a man. So it was common for us to view maleness from a woman's perspective instead of a man's. We inadvertently adopted a woman's view of the world. The gulf between us and the world of men was widened and reinforced.

  Feeling alienated from the male world, we often found comfort in female companionship. Some of us labeled women and femininity as superior to men and masculinity because we perceived females as more sensitive, accepting and loving. They felt "safer" to be with and to expose our painful emotions to. Instead of ridiculing our sensitive natures, they appreciated them. They didn't expect us to prove we were "man enough," even while we were still just boys. Many of us learned to identify with women and girls as our sisters, our buddies and, inadvertently, even our role models. Our sense of girls as the "same sex" and boys as the "opposite" sex was reinforced.

4. Sexual abuse: 48% of respondents said that, as children or youth, they had been sexually abused by an older or more powerful person. Usually it was by a male, and in those cases, 96% considered the abuse to have contributed to their developing SSA feelings. (See especially pages 8 and 9 of the survey.)

5. Other sexual experiences: 93% said they had had other sexual experiences -- including pornography, sexual fantasy and sex play with other boys -- as children or youth, and of those who did, 93% said they believed these experiences contributed to their SSA feelings. (See especially page 9 of the survey.)

6. Personality traits: 87% said they believed their personality traits were a contributing factor. (See especially page 10 of the survey.)

• A great many of us were born with or developed an innate sensitivity and emotional intensity that we learned could be both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, our sensitivity caused us to be more loving, gentle, kind and oftentimes spiritually inclined than average.

  On the other hand, these were some of the very traits that caused our more rough-and-tumble male peers to taunt us, girls to welcome us into their inner circles, moms to hold onto us more protectively, and dads to distance themselves from us. Perhaps even more problematic, it created within us a thin-skinned susceptibility to feeling hurt and rejected, thus magnifying many times over whatever actual rejection and offense we might have received at the hands of others. Our perception became our reality.

Homosexual Consequences

These and other hurts were oftentimes the problems buried below the surface. Complex, interwoven and painful, they drove us to homosexual relationships in an attempt to find healing. But we found that, for us, acting on these homosexual desires actually worsened rather than lessened the underlying problems. Homosexuality, for us, wasn't the solution; it was an escape from solving the real problems that had caused the symptoms to begin with.

Time alone could never really heal these kinds of deep wounds without our going back to face them, acknowledge them, grieve them, release our legitimate anger over them, take steps to repair the damage they had caused us (to the extent we could), and finally, to forgive and move on.

---

Go on to "False Starts: What Didn't Work"

[scripter]

It seems with a little more progress, prevention will be a subject that can be discussed openly by more public media outlets.

I think you're right. Of course there are die-hards that will deny deny deny. Even here on FR, but the subject will be openly discussed by the open minded.

[KC_for_Freedom]

5. Other sexual experiences: 93% said they had had other sexual experiences -- including pornography, sexual fantasy and sex play with other boys -- as children or youth, and of those who did, 93% said they believed these experiences contributed to their SSA feelings

I believe there are lots of homosexual play that does not lead one to a homosexual lifestyle. However if one of the "players" is out and out homosexual, the play becomes more of a homsexual act and more likely to contribute. Expecially if opposite sex attraction is not a strong factor.

[scripter]

Excellent article, ping. Read the links to the study for even more information.

[scripter]

I'm not sure what you mean by:

However if one of the "players" is out and out homosexual

Are you saying if one of the "boys -- as children or youth" is an out and out homosexual? If so, I guess I'm not sure how old an out and out homosexual child or youth would be and how they knew at such an early age that they were homosexual.

[SweetCaroline]

EXCELLENT ARTICLE SCRIPTER!!

[scripter]

Why thank you. The article further demonstrates that sexuality is fluid - it can go from heterosexual to homosexual, and from homosexual to heterosexual, which is key in this cultural issue.

[Red Sea Swimmer]

We are born heterosexual. The sexual abuse of a child, especially between the ages of 3 1/2 and 8, distorts the persons boundaries and sexual identity. Homosexuality, later in life is the result of trauma in childhood.

[Red Sea Swimmer]

Rubbish. Sexuality is not fluid. Consciousness determines behaviour. A distorted, fragmented, unhealthy consciousness creates distorted, fragmented, unhealthy behaviour.

[KC_for_Freedom]

Are you saying if one of the "boys -- as children or youth" is an out and out homosexual? If so, I guess I'm not sure how old an out and out homosexual child or youth would be and how they knew at such an early age that they were homosexual.

In my kids group, adolescents all, (8th-9th grade) there was one boy who sought out other boys for simulated homosexual sex. He would tug and pull at our jeans trying to do more than simulate. And later, as an adult he frequented the homosexual bars in SF. So I would say Yes, at adolescence he "knew" what he wanted to do and to whom.

In other situations we were playing "spin the botle" in the heterosexual sense. We were learning sex the tried and true way, in the dark while our parents thought us playing hide and seek.

[scripter]

You probably don't understand the term as used. Saying sexuality is fluid merely means people can engage in both heterosexual and homosexual behavior. I often post that homosexual behavior and/or same-sex attraction is the result of confusion, but that doesn't mean sexuality isn't fluid.

To put it another way, some folks will state sexuality is fluid, but they are inconsistent and believe it only flows from heterosexual to homosexual. To them, stating sexuality can also flow from homosexual to heterosexual is to an impossibility, when we see a growing number of former homosexuals every day.

[scripter]

Thanks for the clarification. I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like a kid who was sexually molested.

[scripter]

Whoops - got a couple of typos there.

That last sentence should be:

To them, stating sexuality can also flow from homosexual to heterosexual is an impossibility, when in reality we see a growing number of former homosexuals every day.

[Red Sea Swimmer]

Yes. Many homosexuals can be redeemed. The process is accelerating now.

[KC_for_Freedom]

We never had that discussion, he moved to SF as soon as he could to get out of the home scene where his peers were decidedly not with him on this. It was my mom who caught him in the SF bar. She said Hi, then wondered why she and her friend were the only women in the bar. He quickly explained and that was the last contact.

[little jeremiah]

Homosexual Agenda Ping.

***Even if you have no time, bookmark this thread and read it later!!****

Vitally imporant article, replete with excellent links. Please take the time and read it all, save it, and help others learn the truth about homosexuality. You may save someone you know or don't know from the "gay" life.

Let me know if you want on/off this pinglist.


Thank you, scripter, for your contributions to the truth about homosexuality.

[little jeremiah]

After reading your exchanges with Scripter lately, I figured you might be interested in this article and discussion, lots of links.

[Gabz]

Thank you - I will take a better read at it over the weekend, it looks very interesting.

[little jeremiah]

If I had young kids at home, I would consider this an invaluable personal resource. I think I'll try to get it out to parents I know with kids at home.

[latina4dubya]

As a mom an only son that is sensitive, caring, loving and sweet, that just lost his dad to cancer six months ago it is also scary! Positive male role models I guess is the answer now.

i'm sure it is scary... just remember that many women have raised sons who have not become homosexual... while it's wise to have positive male role models in your son's life, remember to not let him over-identify with you... that's what i learned from reading A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality... it's an excellent book... i highly recommend it... even if you were to have no concerns, it's still excellent reading...

i have two sons that i homeschool, so they are with me just about all day... after reading the book, i've come to appreciate letting little boys be little boys! God Bless you and your son...

[Brian Allen]

BUMP