Posted on 12/13/2005 7:44:39 PM PST by coloradan
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..."
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
6. VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Morgan to the ground after you have installed your new front brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front bumper.
9. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a Morgan upward off a hydraulic jack.
10. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
11. GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.
12. STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
13. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
14. ½ " x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
15. ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
16. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
17. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Malvern, and snaps them off.
18. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
19. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
20. HAMMER:OR "IRISH MICROMETER": Use as an alternative to buying dark nail varnishes. Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
21. STANLEY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and flying jackets.
22. WIRE STRIPPER: A tool designed to cut through the wire core, leaving it 1/2 inch too short (see hose cutter)!
I once read an entry in a chip manufactures data book (Signetics) about some "write only memory." Apparanrtly the tech writer got bored one day, and was sure that nobody actually read anything he wrote. It actually made it into the catalog, and later on, Signetics actually released a "corrected" version of the data sheet as an April Fools joke in 1972.
Suggested applications include:
"Don't Care Buffer Store"
Post Mortem Memories for weapons systems
First In Never Out (FINO) Asynchronous Buffers
Overflow Register (Bit Bucket)
And included diagrams of “bit capacity vs.: Temp.”, “Iff vs. Vff”, “Number of pins remaining vs.: number of socket insertions”, and “AQL vs.: selling price”. The 25120 required a 6.3 VAC VFF supply, a +10V VCC, and VDD of 0V, ±2%.
Mark
This results in the ever popular quote, "No matter how much I cut off, it's still too short!"
Mark
There's a reason that welder clothing is made out of leather. It's nearly impossible to set on fire... I can't remember how many pairs of jeans I set to smoldering, and in one case, really on fire, with flames and everything, using an oxyacetylene cutting torch.
Mark
Another couple:
"Go get a bucket of steam to clean the Gradall!"
"Go get a board stretcher!"
Yes, I remember the old days. But it is hard to buy anything that doesn't come with a digital display these days. Haven't seen a voltmeter that didn't need batteries for many years now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
ca 1960, I took the Army Qualification test. The only question I got wrong was this one:
Which makes the best hammer?
(1) Screwdriver
(2) Adjustable wrench
(3) Pliers
(4) None of the above
The smart@$$ sergeant administering the test announced that the ONLY CORRECT answer was,
"(4) None of the above. Personnel WILL employ all equipment ONLY for its designated function!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined the Air Force...
We found that when the system was busy it would stuff customers into a once in never out busy queue, Therfore a W.I.N.O. busy queue, seemed appropriate at the time.
Try Sears...
That's because the current only travels a short distance and feels like a buzzer between the fingers.
But your body gets used to it. In the AF, I worked on a lot of equipment as a PMEL tech and got shocked once in a while. The biggest wake-up I got was 10,000 volts DC arm-to-arm. I didn't jump. The first thing I did was see if anybody saw me make THAT mistake, so they wouldn't laugh, LOL. Also did that with 400V AC triple phase. If you know there is a possibility of shock, it doesn't have any heart-stopping effect. You just feel/look stupid. It's not the shock that stops the heart, it's the surprise. You can probably do 20,000 volts DC arm-to arm as long as it is gradual and you know it's coming without any effect on your brain or bodily functions. And nobody touches you.
Voltage never killed anyone, it's the amperage!
I shorted out a 480 3 phase panel one time when I was trying to pull off 220 single with alegator clips for a welder (thought it was 220 3 phase) and it blew a fireball out that knocked me back 10 feet, burned all the hair off my head and the skin off my face and I was totally blind for about 20 minutes, that was a real shocker. It also knocked out all the power in the Lawry Foods Plant that we were working on.
Have you ever tracked that guy down and found out if he has any kids? ;-)
Handy Andy Bumper Jack - That huge all-purpose jack, the instructions should have just said "after tire is replaced, return to driver's seat, pull forward and return for jack." because I could never get it down.
---Muffler bearings only work with plywood camshafts...--
How about dual overhead cam windshield wipers?
You know, multimeters were invented for a reason. Just because it it has a certain kind of plug or colored wire doesn't mean the person before you wired it that way. Did you feel embarrassed afterwards? I would have. Glad you learned about metal plasma.
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