HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

Weekly World News ^ | 11/10/2005 | NICK JEFFREYS

[Lazamataz]

MOST people have been abducted by aliens, say some UFO experts -- so odds are you're one of them.

"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean," said Dr. J. Albert Longneck, a UFO investigator from Houston, Texas. "You could be kidnapped once or twice a week and you wouldn't remember a thing."

But there are detectable signs that you've been taken aboard a spacecraft and examined, according to Dr. Longneck. Here is a revealing excerpt from his upcoming book Did I Forget I Was Kidnapped By Aliens?

[Lazamataz]

I won't totally spoil it for you, but some of the ways to tell if you have been abducted are:

• You are drunk a lot.
• You are mentally ill.
• There are a lot of puncture marks (needle marks?) on your arms.
• Your blood is green (also a sign of Advanced Leprechanism).
• Your nose is smaller.

[mnehring]

You frequent the democrat underground.

[TheBigB]

You have a subscription, don't you? Admit it. : )

[Woman on Caroline Street]

It's 12/20/2005! Welcome Back, Laz. Oh, that's right. You never left.

How can we miss you when you never leave?

[Young Werther]

You have an

ENORMOUS WINKIE!

[dirtboy]

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS

Michael Moore and Nancy Pelosi start making sense to you.

Hillary's thighs start to turn you on.

You start caring what Mike Farrell and Ed Asner think about the death penalty.

Guns start scaring you.

[Lazamataz]

You frequent the democrat underground.

Nu uhh. YOU do.

[Danae]

ROFL!!!

My personal favorite:

"•You suddenly discover you are missing a limb -- "You know you started out the day with two arms and two legs, and yet, when it's time to go to bed, one is missing," said Dr. Longneck. "This is an indication they have kept one of your limbs for dissection purposes."

I just KNEW it! They have been abducting the whole DNC for YEARS!!!!

[nuconvert]

Is this the rag that had the picture on the front page of the cats living on venus? (could have been Saturn)

[Red Badger]

You think Michael Moore is cute......

[Millee]

psstt..I'm the one pictured in the middle...

[Lazamataz]

You have an ENORMOUS WINKIE!

Uh oh.

[WatchYourself]

Though I'm not sure if Teddy Kennedy's blood is green, he meets the other qualifications

[ßuddaßudd]

LOL, glad to see your humor this early today...

[Brilliant]

Clearly we've been abducted by aliens. Congress is run by aliens. We are under the tuteledge of Congress.

[Lazamataz]

Is this the rag that had the picture on the front page of the cats living on venus?

Yes, and the caption was: PROOF THAT VENUS DOESN'T NEED WOMEN.

Must be an inside joke.

[randog]

"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean," said Dr. J. Albert Longneck, a UFO investigator from Houston, Texas. "You could be kidnapped once or twice a week and you wouldn't remember a thing..."

"....that's what I tell my wife, anyway".

[Roscoe Karns]

Abducties often experience existential angst:

Scenes from a DUmmie Marriage
A film by Ingmar Bergman
with joska wilson & val plameska

I saw Death today, Val.

.

.

.

.

.

.
He challenged me to a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

.

.

.

.

.

.
As we were playing, I had a vision. I saw a large
frog marching toward me. It spoke ominously, saying....

.

.

.

.

.

.
... "The tea! The Tea!"

.

.

.

.

.

.
.................................................................Joska?

.

.

.

.

.

.
"The sweet mint tea!"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
........................................................... Yes, Joska, I
...........................................................understand now. All is lost.

[Cliff Dweller]

Your nose is smaller.

Michael Jackson's been abducted... I knew it!!

[Fierce Allegiance]

You have a subscription, don't you? Admit it. : )

He's Senior Editor.

[Lazamataz]

How can we miss you when you never leave?

During those brief -- and terrifying -- seconds when I adjourn to the mens room.

Every time I do, I have to hug everyone just to stop the sobbing.

[Michael Goldsberry]

• The Republican senate majority caves to the minority
  ... oh, you mean ETs...

[Kirkwood]

Dr. J. Albert Longneck... Dr. J Allen Hynek. Boy, that is just lazy even for WWN.

[KarlInOhio]

You have an 80-foot satellite dish coming out of your backside.

[BostonianRightist]

I haven't gotten your "All Sex All Day" ping yet, so I'm lowered to these Alien Abduction news articles for light reading.

[nuconvert]

I burst out laughing in line at the grocery store when I saw that picture. LOL.

[Lazamataz]

Congress is run by aliens.

Actually, I thought it was zombies.

[GRRRRR]

What about the giant ANAL Probe???

[Lazamataz]

I was patiently waiting for that photo.

I'm disappointed it took so long.

[evets]

Aliens probed my peeps

[Lazamataz]

What about the giant ANAL Probe???

Well, you have to pay me, just like last time.

[dfwgator]

[OB1kNOb]

Wow! That one in the middle sure has a big set of.....eyes.

[RockinRight]

You vote Democrat.

[Kenny Bunkport]

"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean,"

That explains why I can't find my car keys some mornings.

[RockinRight]

She's actually kinda cute.

[BIGLOOK]

Fits the bill.

[cjshapi]

My nose is cold a lot. Could that be a sign?

[clamper1797]

You have and ENORMOUS WINKIE!

OMG ... I'm an abductee ...

[Lazamataz]

She's actually kinda cute.

When a cute girl sticks her tongue out at me, I remind her that one should never point a weapon at anything they don't intend to lick.

[Lazamataz]

My nose is cold a lot. Could that be a sign?

No, that's a sign of Canine Reflux.

[Kenny Bunkport]

You no longer have a *third leg*. ACK!!

[notbuyingit2]

Probably more than once. ;)

[johnny7]

“They did things to meeee!”

[Lazamataz]

I'm gonna sing-a
About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a
I'm gonna sing-a

[RockinRight]

Got a point there.

[GRRRRR]

Let's Ride Pardner!!

I got spurs that jingle jangle jingle...
Purple Riders
W A T E R!

Have a Merry Christmas!!

G

[manwiththehands]

You watch reruns of the "X-Files", convinced it's a documentary.

[Millee]

*sniff..sniff* It's great to feel needed (kneaded?). I'll go forth & find ya something.

[dfwgator]

Still one of the best SPs ever.