Posted on 09/19/2006 11:16:30 PM PDT by B-Chan
Faces And Names
I had an interesting day today — maybe the most interesting day of my life. World's Greatest Wife (WGW) and I went to Dr. DNA today on orders from the OB/GYN (henceforth known as "Dr. Uterus"). Mission: genetic counseling, that transparent exercise in medical ass-covery that allows physicians to shrug, hold up their hands in a gesture of innocence, and say "don't blame me" in a court of equity if the kid turns out to have crab claws or something. Seriously, though, the cute "genetic counselor" lady told us about amnio (no thanks), asked us about our ethnicity (German and Scottish, both sides) and had us fill out a customer satisfaction survey (we gave her top ratings; she really was a nice girl). Then, with much fear and trembling, we went into the SAUNA-GRAMME CHAMBRE for our first look at Baby's face.
The exam room was cold and sterile, as you'd expect, but we went on in and got settled. A few minutes later, Dr. DNA's assistant Sonogram Guy fired up the ol' belly-scanner, applied the liquid-nitrogen-chilled belly lotion to WGW's abdomen — and there it was, sucking its thumb. (The baby, I mean.) The Fightin' Fetus is at fifteen weeks now, give or take a few days, and weighs a strapping five ounces -- less than a cup of tea! -- but it was all there, four beautiful limbs, big alien head, little footies, and everything -- and by "everything" I mean a Dingus.
We're having a boy!
Well, we were both just a little bit disappointed (our family is so short on girls), but disappointment quickly turned to wonder as Sonogram Guy took us on a magical mystery tour of the little spud, moving the scanner around so as to capture Kid B-Chan in side, bottom, and full frontal views. It was amazing — we saw his kidneys, his bladder, his brain (currently smaller than a cat brain!), even his arm and leg bones. His little heart could be seen, too, going squusha-squusha-squusha at 150 beats per minute (Sonogram Guy let us listen to it on the GE Utero-Fone®) — and of course there was that dingus again. Takes after his dad, he does! He also thrashed around a lot in there, which was surprising to me; I always figured that babies sort of just floated randomly around the womb like Major Tom in space in that old Bowie song. Not this kid; he kicked, wiggled, and raised his hands in the air like he just didn't care the whole time we were watching him. I was surprised he didn't throw up his hooks and make [our] family/gang sign at us. "WORD UP!"
The coolest/creepiest part was when S-Guy was giving His Fetal Highness the side-view scan. As the GE Womb-Cam® sensor started vibrating, the little squirt wiggled, visibly turned his big, Roswell-like head at the scanner and looked straight at it — and at us! I was weird: this giant head, looking at us from inside Mom's belly; we could see his skull bones and brain right through his faceplate. He seemed to be staring right at me and saying, "Hey, Dad, I'm on the way! Please remember Parenting Rule 1: DON'T F--- UP." Then it was over, and we got some nice snapshots to keep, the sight of which I'll spare you.
Needless to say, by now both WGW and I were both beside ourselves. She was more relieved than starry-eyed, because we're both, er, older than most first-time parents, and the older a lady gets, the more chance there is that her Spud can be born with Down's Syndrome or other horrible problems. Thanks be to God, our baby is perfectly normal as far as can be told now -- no basal noopus or whatever, no crab claws, no long, thrashing tail -- and the prognosis for an uneventful pregnancy and delivery is nominal. (For the record: even if our kid had Down's, tails, claws, etc. we would love and care for him. Human life = human life.) Still, it's such a relief to know that all's well in Fetusville. I was shocked, thrilled, and a little bit giddy.
So here I sit -- a 41-year-old guy, soon to be the father of an infant boy. The truth is that I don't have the faintest idea how to raise a son. I come from a broken family, and was forced to pretty much raise myself, with the assistance of various small pet animals and American broadcast television. Lacking a useful father figure, I chose Captain Kirk and Superman as my role models (which explains a lot if you think about it). As a boy I was a moody, introspective, obsessive kid, when I wasn't being a totally extroverted attention-mongering freak, so basically please God let's not use my own childhood as a template. The only other male child I ever spent any time around was my younger brother, and, well, he's a great guy today, but let's just say that I hope I never have to resort to my memories of those years when it comes to raising my own boy. It was a long, hard grind for us all. World's Greatest Wife is an only child, so there's no boy-related experience there, either, so I guess when it comes to raising Little B-Chan that I'll just have to pray, use common sense, and FAKE IT.
All I know is that the fact that God has placed in my hands the responsibility for the care and well-being of a child is proof that He has a deliciously ironic sense of humor.
Nevertheless, here he comes: our son, scion of the Chan Family, hope of tomorrow. If all goes well, he'll be born in early March and barring accident, illness, or jihad he stands a fair chance of making it to AD 2099 under his own power. 2099! What wonders will that little boy see!
We met our son today. It seems strange to say it — "our son" — but that's who he is. We saw his face; his name is Johann Basil [Chan]. We'll call him "Hans".
Well now, that is beautiful.
I read it twice.
THANK YOU.
The first kid trains the pari's!
My firm congratulations! And don't let the stories freak you out - childbirth doesn't hurt at all. You, that is. Heh heh...
What a great story. Thank you for posting it. How funny you are! Congrats on the critter.
Congratulations on birthing the boy who will someday ding your car... (remember this joy when you are fussing him out at 16!)
You are going to be sooooo happy having a child. I have one grown (21, girl) and one in process (8 boy) and I can honesty say that my greatest joys in life are my children.
Having said that... do you realize that all the crazy and funny stuff you did to your parents has just blossomed from your loins and is going to inhabit the earth AGAIN?
If you haven't apologized to your parents already - don't worry. You WILL... the reckoning is coming, my friend!
Congratulations - it's YOUR boy!!
Cool Spud Chan is gonna have a Dad with a humorous upbeat attitude.
Wanna adopt a 46yrs old? j/K
Speaking of kids.
I was working on my studies today and read something I totally agree with:
The greatest Vocation is Life
from breifings in Holy Confirmation
So wonderful.
Congrats! Don't forget to sign him up as a FReeper on the day of his birth so he doesn't get all the n00b and IBTZ crap on his first post.
Congratulations, B-Chan! I know you and WGW will make excellent parents. Let me know when little junior arrives.
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