Picking out the patriots

Daily Collegian (UMass) ^ | 10/2/07 | Nicastro

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The Department of Citizenship for Immigration Services is revamping its citizenship test. This could spur changes in the application processes of other government institutions.

How many stripes are on the American flag? What does the 4th of July mean? Who is the president of the United States today?

For the past 20 years, these questions have determined who is eligible for citizenship and who is not. On Oct. 1, 2008, the Department of Citizenship and Immigration Services plans to change the test from trivia-based to a more complicated conceptually based exam, meant to weed out potential citizens who aren't dedicated to the abstract ideals of America and, therefore, cannot be considered true "patriots."

As Alfonso Aguilar, head of the Office of Citizenship, pointed out in the October edition of Time Magazine, "If we don't strengthen our assimilation efforts, then 20 or 30 years down the road we may have a dysfunctional society." Aguilar brings up a good point. However, assimilation of immigrants is not the only problem facing this country. The last seven years have brought many accusations about disloyalty and a lack of patriotism against many American citizens. Identifying with one's country is beneficial to the health and posterity of the nation, and because of this we should follow the example of the Department of Citizenship: in addition to an immigrant citizenship test, the federal government should administer a nationwide test which will separate the good citizens from the bad.

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Therefore, we will allow those who hate this country so much to leave via the "Mexican Express" (or "Autobús a México" for our many Spanish-speaking immigrants/non-patriots), a cargo transportation system which will be able to immediately transport non-patriots out of this country and into Mexico, where they can attempt to climb over the giant electric fence constructed on the Texas border to keep out those who are not wanted in America. Oh, and there will be proud, exam-passing snipers patrolling those walls so non-patriots should keep an eye out.

Dan Nicastro is a flag-waving patriot and writes on Wednesdays. He can be reached at dnicastr@student.umass.edu.

[Redbob]

"Alfonso Aguilar, head of the Office of Citizenship..."

Oh sh#t!
Doesn't that just say it all?

[xjcsa]

"Alfonso Aguilar, head of the Office of Citizenship..."

Oh sh#t! Doesn't that just say it all?

What do you mean?