Posted on 11/13/2007 7:08:30 AM PST by Responsibility2nd
Marriage is a foundation of civilized life. No advanced civilization has ever existed without the married, two-parent family. Those who argue that our civilization needs healthy marriages to survive are not exaggerating.
And yet I cannot, in good conscience, urge young men to marry today. For many men (and some women), marriage has become nothing less than a one-way ticket to jail. Even the New York Times has reported on how easily "the divorce court leads to a jail cell," mostly for men. In fact, if I have one urgent piece of practical advice for young men today it is this: Do not marry and do not have children.
Spreading this message may also, in the long run, be the most effective method of saving marriage as an institution. For until we understand that the principal threat to marriage today is not cultural but political, and that it comes not from homosexuals but from heterosexuals, we will never reverse the decline of marriage. The main destroyer of marriage, it should be obvious, is divorce. Michael McManus of Marriage Savers points out that "divorce is a far more grievous blow to marriage than today's challenge by gays." The central problem is the divorce laws.
It is well known that half of all marriages end in divorce. But widespread misconceptions lead many to believe it cannot happen to them. Many conscientious people think they will never be divorced because they do not believe in it. In fact, it is likely to happen to you whether you wish it or not.
First, you do not have to agree to the divorce or commit any legal transgression. Under "no-fault" divorce laws, your spouse can divorce you unilaterally without giving any reasons. The judge will then grant the divorce automatically without any questions.
But further, not only does your spouse incur no penalty for breaking faith; she can actually profit enormously. Simply by filing for divorce, your spouse can take everything you have, also without giving any reasons. First, she will almost certainly get automatic and sole custody of your children and exclude you from them, without having to show that you have done anything wrong. Then any unauthorized contact with your children is a crime. Yes, for seeing your own children you will be subject to arrest.
There is no burden of proof on the court to justify why they are seizing control of your children and allowing your spouse to forcibly keep you from them. The burden of proof (and the financial burden) is on you to show why you should be allowed to see your children.
The divorce industry thus makes it very attractive for your spouse to divorce you and take your children. (All this earns money for lawyers whose bar associations control the careers of judges.) While property divisions and spousal support certainly favor women, the largest windfall comes through the children. With custody, she can then demand "child support" that may amount to half, two-thirds, or more of your income. (The amount is set by committees consisting of feminists, lawyers, and enforcement agents – all of whom have a vested interest in setting the payments as high as possible.) She may spend it however she wishes. You pay the taxes on it, but she gets the tax deduction.
You could easily be left with monthly income of a few hundreds dollars and be forced to move in with relatives or sleep in your car. Once you have sold everything you own, borrowed from relatives, and maximized your credit cards, they then call you a "deadbeat dad" and take you away in handcuffs. You are told you have "abandoned" your children and incarcerated without trial.
Evidence indicates that, as men discover all this, they have already begun an impromptu marriage "strike": refusing to marry or start families, knowing they can be criminalized if their wife files for divorce. "Have anti-father family court policies led to a men's marriage strike?" ask Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson in the Philadelphia Enquirer. In Britain, fathers tour university campuses warning young men not to start families. In his book, From Courtship to Courtroom, Attorney Jed Abraham concludes that the only protection for men to avoid losing their children and everything else is not to start families in the first place.
Is it wise to disseminate such advice? If people stop marrying, what will become of the family and our civilization?
Marriage is already all but dead, legally speaking, and divorce is the principal reason. The fall in the Western birth rate is directly connected with divorce law.
It is also likely that same-sex marriage is being demanded only because of how heterosexuals have already debased marriage through divorce law. "The world of no-strings heterosexual hookups and 50% divorce rates preceded gay marriage," advocate Andrew Sullivan points out. "All homosexuals are saying...is that, under the current definition, there's no reason to exclude us. If you want to return straight marriage to the 1950s, go ahead. But until you do, the exclusion of gays is simply an anomaly – and a denial of basic civil equality."
We will not restore marriage by burying our heads in the sand; nor simply by preaching to young people to marry, as the Bush administration's government therapy programs now do. The way to restore marriage as an institution in which young people can place their trust, their children, and their lives is to make it an enforceable contract. We urgently need a national debate about divorce, child custody, and the terms under which the government can forcibly sunder the bonds between parents and their children. We owe it to future generations, if there are to be any.
Stephen Baskerville, Ph.D., is assistant professor of government at Patrick Henry College and President of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. His book, Taken Into Custody: The War Against Fathers, Marriage, and the Family, has just been published by Cumberland House Publishing.
Except for what the gays said, I agree 100% with everything Doctor Baskerville said. It’s all true and I went through it and, yes, I slept in the car.
Today I’m happily married and will stay that way, but when my first marriage blew up, the only way I found out of the mess Dr. Baskerville describes was to help another lawyer make payments on his (fill in the blank: Porsche or whatever).
Divorce is an industry all right, and a profitable one.
Ah! My wife and I adopted from China nine years ago, our first child, after twenty years of marriage. Just so happens the twentieth wedding present is “CHINA”....;-)
I’m sorry about your divorce and that your wife is saying bad things about you to the kids. If it is any consolation, I’m a child of divorce, and my mother said bad things about my Dad (nothing too horrible, but she was bitter and inappropriate in the way she talked to us about him). But we stayed loyal to our Dad as well, and every year got smarter and could judge what was what for ourselves.
That was the goal.
No it doesn't---it only takes one. If your husband decided tomorrow he no longer wanted to be married to you, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It took me about a year and a half to figure out that you cannot push rope, no matter how hard you try.
Well, if A, then certainly B.
If the wife is truly bad, tape your phone calls with her if its legal in your state and then present her a copy letting her know you will be taking her back to court. Make a real effort to get your kids and don't give up.
I have a good friend who did just this and he now has custody and gets child support.
Men just need to fight with good lawyers and stay cool.
+1 to that.
I remember reading about this. The communists also strongly supported government-run schools. Lenin said, "Give me your children for five years in a a government school, and you'll never get them back again."
Sounds like he ruined his own life, certainly the life of his ex wife. I hope he spends the rest of his life in jail where he belongs.
Unfortunately Doc, the problem may be much bigger than the author describes. I know quite a few men and women in their early 20's, who are simply scared of getting married for fear that their lives will be ruined by divorce. It is not just the divorce laws, it is also related the combative, trial & error culture that sets men in competition with women in a temporary marriage or live in situation where a lasting commitment plays second to immediate self gratification.
So go ahead and form good relationships with evolved people...just don't feel the need to tell the State about it. ;)
Amen.
I would add that it’s not “divorce” that has destroyed families, but feminism.
Women have been sold a lie for the last 30 or 40 years that they don’t need men or a family in order to be fulfilled. It’s rubbish.
If a young man wants to marry and have a long-lasting relationship, he needs to find a woman who has rejected Oprah and Lifetime Network and has embraced God as her role model.
I disagree. It may take one who wants to end the marriage, but how it got to that point was caused by both.
Aw, what's wrong? Is 'ums confoosed with the facts?
I have a son and a daughter. I tell the daughter to get married, and the son to not get married.
Sorry, but advising men not to marry just because you personally are bitter is nonsense.
Better advice is to advise your sons on the type of woman they should be marrying, and open truth about what marriage is and what it requires.
If a woman is stuck on her needs, don’t marry her.. if she’s stuck on materialism don’t marry her... if she’s stuck on her career don’t marry her... If she views a traditional family and wife and motherhood as evil, don’t marry her.... If she can’t keep a home, don’t marry her.. if she can’t cook, think long and hard before you marry her.
If you as a man are contemplating marriage you as well need to know your needs and desires will come last, especially once the children are born. If you cannot and will not put your family first, don’t get married.... don’t think it will be easy.. don’t be naive and think that love will conquer all. All the love in the world cannot save some relationships.
Certainly you should love your spouse and she should love you, but keep your eyes open. Be pragmatic and practicle and marry a woman who is the same. IF she doesn’t believe in God, and that we all serve a greater purpose and are here for a reason, even if we have no idea personally what it is, don’t marry her.
Finally never ever marry a woman who does not laugh, and that you cannot make laugh, and that cannot make you laugh. If she cannot laugh at herself, run away, run far far away. Life is hard, its full of unpleasantness, with moments of pure joy sprinkled in. Laugher will be the only thin that will get you through the rough spots.
Never be to proud to say I’m sorry when you are, and never marry a woman who is to proud to say she’s sorry when she is. Do not take her for granted, and never marry someone who takes you for granted.
Basically be pragmatic when deciding to get married, not naive and ideolistic. No its no guarantee that you won’t wind up divorced someday.. but you’ll reduce the odds greatly.
It is much more of a two way street than many here want to admit. No fault divorce is merely a reflection of our present culture, where people are allowed to walk away from their responsibilities with minimal consequences.
Oh, by the way, no fault divorce was not a creation of courts or judges. It was imposed on them by legislatures.
You’re a very wise father and your children are most fortunate. They will have your wisdom to live by for the rest of their lives. Good on you!
He sounds like one of those 40+ year olds that marries a 20 year old from Russia....wonder how that will work out....
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