I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

[ChemistCat]

My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.

Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!

I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.

I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.

[Cool Guy]

Prayers being sent for a speedy recovery!

[operation clinton cleanup]

Here is a punch line in search of a joke: "stem cell phone".

[garyhope]

How do you make your wife (or husband) scream and holler when you're having sex?

Call her (him) up and tell her where you are and what you're doing!

[GeekDejure]

A man decides to visit his doctor, a little Japanese fellow, as every time he broke wind, it sounded funny. "Doc," he said, "every time I fart, it sounds just like a Honda." The doctor says "Go to dentist, you have abcess tooth." The man returns the next day and tells the doc "Hey, thanks, you were right about the tooth, and now my farts sound normal. How did you know?" The doctor says "Abcess make the fart go Honda." !!!

[SWake]

A guy comes home and says to his wife, "Honey, get your kids, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

"Oh, I've always wanted to see Paris and Rome, we can get that new car I've been wanting...."

"No, you don't understand ... get **YOUR** kids ... pack **YOUR** bags ... ** I ** won the lottery!"

(best wishes for a speedy recovery!)

[Johnny_Apollo]

An old man in a nursing home is laying on his bed naked crying his eyes out. The nurse walks in sees him, and asks "what's the matter"? He replies "my his penis died last night". She shakes her head and says she'll check in on him on the morning, and leaves. The next morning she returns, and there he is, standing tall, all dressed in a suit, with his penis hanging out of his pants. The nurse looks at him for a minute and says, "I thought you said your penis died yesterday, what are you doing?" The old man replies, "It did, today's the viewing".

[GeekDejure]

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Geez . . . Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp !!!

[Hank Rearden]

Nah, you're close, but it's really Nuke the Homeless Gay Baby Whales in Tibet, for Jesus. Twice.

[pistola]

That was bad. Really bad. I love bad jokes. I cherish a bad joke as I do a very ugly lamp.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

[ThinkLikeWaterAndReeds]

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind, him, and as he sits the waitress comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" asks the waitress. "I'll have the same." says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke " and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be 12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.

[schmelvin]

A man who suspected his wife of cheating came home from work early one day. Sure enough, his wife was naked and the bed was unkempt. "Where is he!" The man shouted, "I know he's still here." The man looked around the apartment then checked the balcony, where he found Colin Powell hanging from the railing.

In a rage the man pushed Colin Powell off the 15th floor balcony. When he peered over the edge and saw that Colin Powell had survived the fall, he went into the kitchen, pushed the refrigerator onto the balcony and over the edge. The refrigerator landed on Colin Powell and killed him.

At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter asked Mr. Powell how he got there. Mr. Powell said, "I was lifting weights on the balcony of my 16th floor apartment. I slipped and fell over the edge but was fortunate enough to grab onto the balcony railing of the apartment below me. Then this crazy guy pushed me off. I barely survived the fall, then the maniac threw a refrigerator on me, and here I am." St. Peter said, "OK, then you can come in." A moment later Bill Clinton arrived at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter asked him how he got there. Bill Clinton said, "OK, picture this. I'm naked in a refrigerator...."

[Beernoser]

A nun, a rabbi and a circus clown walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"

[smorgle]

A woman asks the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he says.

She says, "Does it work?"

"Yes."

"Can you get it over the counter?"

And he says, "I can if I take two!"

God bless your mom. Tell her I said shake a leg and get well!

[JoeSchem]

A guy's car has a flat tire next to an insane asylum. A guy in a straight jacket comes over to the fence and watches while the driver changes the tire. The driver gets nervous, and accidently knocks the tire's lug nuts into the storm drain.

"Great!" says the driver. "What do I do now?"

The guy in the straight jacket says, "Take a nut off the other three wheels and put them on this one. Then drive at low speed until you get to a garage and can buy replacements."

The driver brightens up -- but then frowns. "Hey -- if you can think up good ideas like that, how come you're in an insane asylum?"

The guy in the straight jacket replies, "I'm in here because I'm crazy -- not because I'm stupid."

(This joke also explains why we're here on Free Republic instead of running the country!)

[brat]

BTTT Love that one! :0)

[musicman]

I hope your mom gets better soon!!........

A bartender in a local bar approaches his new,never before seen customer to take his order."What may I get you this evening?"the bartender asks.The somewhat already cocktailed customer replies;"Fix everybody in this place a drink,fix yourself a drink,and make me a double martini!!"

The bartender gets to work.He makes the dozen or so patrons in the bar their drinks,delivers them,makes himself a cocktail,makes the double martini,and delivers the drink to the customer with the tab for the whole round,and says to him,"OK sir,that will be $28.95",to which the customer replies to the bartender"I don't have any money!!"

The bartender, very upset that this is going to come out of his own pocket,without a word comes from behind the bar,and grabbing the deadbeat cocktailed customer by the collar,drags him to the front door,pushes the door open,and kicks the customer in the rearend,which puts the drunken customer face down on the sidewalk in front of the establishment.Dusting his hands off,the bartender returns to his work.

Two days later,the same customer,in the same cocktailed condition as his last visit,enters the bar with the same bartender on duty.Having been the "victim"of the drunk's first visit,the bartender takes the second visit head-on.

"What will it be tonite?"the bartender enquires.The customer drunkenly replies;"Fix everybody in this place a drink,and make me a double martini!!" Noting that the order was slightly different than it was from their first encounter(and in no way was going to be completed)the bartender inquires;"What's the matter big spender,aren't ya gonna buy me a drink tonite also??"

......to which the drunk replies;"ARE YOU KIDDING???YOU GET VIOLENT WHEN YOU DRINK!!!"

[BikerTrash]

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

hyuk hyuk

[Bella_Bru]

Thread nanny! Thread nanny! Why don't you come over here and tell them what bad people they are! Imagine, a JOKE thread! Oh, the shame.

[Flyer]

Tell her I said shake a leg. . .

Ah, you must be the physical therapist.

[GeekDejure]

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." !!!

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The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist, and he worked occasionally as a farmer.

In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe." !!!