'Time-Travaler' busted for insider trading

Yahoo : Entertainment News & Gossip ^ | Wednesday March 19, 2003 | Chad Kultgen

[Flashman_at_the_charge]

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003
By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

[OXENinFLA]

Yeah me too.

The movie also points out why the US can't be in the UN. Two objects can't occupy the same space at the same time, ie.. What gov't does one have to follow the gov't of one country or the gov't of the world?

[hispanarepublicana]

NOTE HOW FAR he had to come back to find an era where the income tax looked attractive by comparison!!! Yikes.

[Hazzardgate]

GALLIFREY BUMP!

[mtbopfuyn]

Glad we won't be speaking French so we can all sleep well tonight. Heck, the police could play along as it's not gonna hurt anyone to check out UBL's and SH's supposed locations. I have $2.64 he could invest for me.

[PBRSTREETGANG]

DEBKA is upset about being scooped on this one.

[TightSqueeze]

I have no problem with search, wiretapping and detective work being done on 'Probable Cause', but I do have problem with lazy police, arresting a person "until he confesses".

This ain't your forefathers America, anymore.

[Dr. I. C. Spots]

If he's from the future, then he must have known that he was going to get caught. If he didn't, then he has already changed history which will alter his "future". So he has nothing to go back to, so we might as well throw him in the slammer for life, because it won't matter. He will be born in two hundred years from now and history will prove that he is wasting his time going into the past. And even if he gets away with his 350 Mil it won't be worth squat by the time he gets back because of inflation...So this guy is hosed no matter what happens to him. OK beam me up Scotty, there is no intellegent life here.

[hispanarepublicana]

Glad we won't be speaking French

On the other hand, I understand Mr. Carlssin said the French will all be speaking Hebrew!

[glory]

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune. >>

Umm, you would think this brain from the future would have thought it a safer bet to come back when the market was roaring and he could have made that kind of money unnoticed.

[thatsnotnice]

Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges…

I’d like to know how they intend to prosecute. I thought they had to establish some sort of relationship between the person and the insiders to prosecute something like that.

Like with IM Clone (however it’s spelled). They have established relationships between Martha Stewart and all the various players through admissions, phone calls, etc. Yet they still seem to be dragging it out.

There has to be more to this.

[Calpernia]

I think Andrew Carlssin is a poster from one of the Yahoo Financial boards! ROFL!

[Rockitz]

Paging Marty McFly, paging Marty McFly.

[Protagoras]

And when he looked into the past, he didn't see himself being caught?

Yes but he also knew he would get away with it because of their lack of proof of anything illegal. :^}

[CasearianDaoist]

Well...about the UN - all I can say is "How can you be in two places at once when you are nowhere at all to begin with?"

[Lord_Baltar]

Hi Mad,

From a "philosophy" standpoint, IF he traveled back in time, and IF he altered the timeline, by betting and winning, then he would have had no way of knowing that he would be caught because from his original starting point, he hadn't been there yet, to bet, and win, and then get caught.

Only after he had made the trip, and made the bet, won, and then got caught would that situation be a part of the history that he could have access to.

uggggg. I need an aspirin...

[CasearianDaoist]

They just won't know what they are saying.

[Flashman_at_the_charge]

No, but I think it is firmly tongue in cheek though.

[Lord_Baltar]

Yes IC, but let's say he took that 350 Million and purchased something he knew would be worth Trillions in his "timeline", and then had his "Family" named as the beneficiary of that profit.

[HaveGunWillTravel]

he could have just shorted the market.

[Hodar]

If he's from the future, then he must have known that he was going to get caught.

No, it wasn't in HIS timeline, yet.

If he didn't, then he has already changed history which will alter his "future". So he has nothing to go back to, so we might as well throw him in the slammer for life, because it won't matter.

Again, not in his timeline (yet).

And even if he gets away with his 350 Mil it won't be worth squat by the time he gets back because of inflation.

No, if he places this in an estate, passed through a password, as time passes, inflation and currency changes (if applicable) would automatically adjust. In the future, he would have much more than the $350 Million he used as seed money way back in 2003.