Weekly Standard Delivers Spoof of Post-Revolutionary War Media

A great media parody. The back page of the just-published May 5 edition of the Weekly Standard carries a mock-up of an imagined front page of the "Ye Newe York Times" from November 11, 1781, full of angst about the future immediately after America's victory over Britain. Though it is based upon the New York Times, it could apply to much of the angst over the Iraq war expressed at times in many media outlets.

-- The top headline: "THREE WEEKS AFTER YORKTOWN, STILL NO CONSTITUTION READY."
Subhead: "Hamilton, Fellow 'Neo-Federalists,' Said Eyeing Empire Across Continent."

The story, by "R. BERKE," began:
"Boston, NOV. 6 -- After days of meetings, Leaders of the former Colonies still have not devised a system of Government that will stand through the Ages. And there are troubling signs that American Culture might not be compatible with Democracy. 'Look at the rhetoric,' observes Doris Kearns Goodwin, a Historian waiting for Television to be invented.
'Give me liberty or give me death.' 'Don't tread on me' -- These are partisan, radical, and uncivil statements, not the kind consistent with Democracy.'

"Meeting in small Think Tanks, a group of influential intellectuals known as 'Neo-Federalists' is now plotting to extend American Democracy as far west as Ohio, envisioning a vast, sprawling Nation under one system of Government. 'The arrogance, the stupidity, the naivete of this Scheme is appalling,' says Jessica Matthews of the Tudor Endowment for International Peace and Stability."

"Triumph Over Britifh Empire was Easy Part."
Subhead: "Mayheme, Discontent Betray Hollow Victory."
A second subhead warned: "Desire To Return To British Sovereigntye Becoming Widespread."

The top of the story: "The easy part is over. Defeating the world's greatest Empire, enduring the winter at Valley Forge -- those were simple military problems. But Nation-Building, as Geo. Washington likes to call it, is improving insurmountably difficult...."

-- Two items under "In the News": "Five Houses Planned In Field Near Boston."
Summary: "Right-Minded Souls Fear Unbridled 'Sprawle'"
And: "Cold Since Mid-1700s A Wood-Stove Legacy." Summary: "Leading Natural Scientists Say Ice Age by 2000 A.D. A 'Certaintye'"

-- "Ye Shattered Dream: Revolution's Grievous Wake," read the heading over a section plugging inside stories, including:

+ "Calvinists, Other Extremists Planning Theocracies."
The summary: "Hopes That New Nation Might Emerge As Enlightened, Secular State Dashed As Hundreds Of Shakers March On Boston Waving Wicker Chairs, Calling For Universal Ban On Procreation."

+ And my favorite, picking up on the Dixie Chicks now appearing nude on the cover of Entertainment Weekly:
"Clog Dancing Troupe Retracts Disparagement Of Washington."
The story summary: "Head Clogger Regrets 'Wood-Toothed, Slave-Owning Stiff' Slur; Group Seeks To Regain Favour By Circulating Engraving Of Selves In Nightclothes."

Gun Ban Results In Tragic Deaths

BOSTON -- National guard units seeking to confiscate a cache of recently banned assault rifles were ambushed on April 19th by elements of a paramilitary extremist faction. Military and law enforcement officials estimate that 72 were killed and more than 200 injured before government forces were compelled to withdraw.

Speaking after the clash, Massachusetts Governor Thomas Gage declared that the extremist faction, which was made up of local citizens, has links to the radical right-wing tax protest movement.

Gage blamed the extremists for recent incidents of vandalism directed against internal revenue offices. The governor, who described the group's organizers as "criminals," issued an executive order authorizing the summary arrest of any individual who has interfered with the government's efforts to secure law and order.

The military raid on the extremist arsenal followed widespread refusal by the local citizenry to turn over recently outlawed assault weapons. Gage issued a ban on military-style assault weapons and ammunition earlier in the week. This decision followed a meeting earlier this month between government and military leaders at which the governor authorized the forcible confiscation of illegal arms.

One government official, speaking on condition of anonymity, pointed out that "none of these people would have been killed had the extremists obeyed the law and turned over their weapons voluntarily."

Government troops initially succeeded in confiscating a large supply of outlawed weapons and ammunition. However, troops attempting to seize arms and ammunition in Lexington met with resistance from heavily-armed extremists who had been tipped-off regarding the government's plan.

During a tense standoff in Lexington's town park, National Guard Colonel Francis Smith, commander of the government operation, ordered the armed group to surrender and return to their homes. The impasse was broken by a single shot, which was reportedly fired by one of the right-wing extremists.

Eight civilians were killed in the ensuing exchange. Ironically, the local citizenry blamed government forces rather than the extremists for the civilian deaths. Before order could be restored, armed citizens from surrounding areas had descended upon the guard units. Colonel Smith, finding his forces overmatched by the armed mob, ordered a retreat.

Governor Gage has called upon citizens to support the state/national joint task force in its effort to restore law and order. The governor has also demanded the surrender of those responsible for planning and leading the attack against the government forces. Samuel Adams, Paul Revere, and John Hancock, who have been identified as "ringleaders" of the extremist faction, remain at large.

April 20, 1775.
Colonial News Network (CNN)

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