Why is the USA the World's Divorce Leader? (Poll + FReeper's book on Dr. Laura)

www.knowingme-knowingyou.com ^ | May 28, 2003 | Malcolm B. Stephens

[MalcolmS]

Imagine that you’ve decided to build a house in a particular area.  You’re willing to invest the money, time and effort to make something that will last a lifetime.  You want to move in and make it your own.  But as you drive through the neighborhood, you notice something is desperately wrong.  Some houses look sound, but many others are sagging—perhaps they are houses divided against themselves.  But most disturbingly, over half of the houses in this vast subdivision have been completely destroyed.  They are collapsed, burnt-out shells that leave the impression of a village in Kosovo after a bout of vicious ethnic cleansing.  You imagine the suffering of those who once lived in those homes, and you wonder, do I really want to move here?

That’s the question faced by Americans when they consider moving to the USA’s 51^st state—the state of matrimony.  Do I really want to move here?  It looks like a bad neighborhood.

The US leads G8 Nations in divorce, and is in statistical tie with Sweden for the world’s divorce title.  The US rate is over 25% higher than the number-two contender, Russia.  Strangely, it’s almost 50% higher than Canada, a country with a culture that many others in the world see as almost indistinguishable from that of the USA.

Divorce Rates in G8 Nations (per 100 Marriages)

USA	54.8
Russia	43.4
UK	42.6
Germany	39.4
France	38.3
Canada	37
Italy	10
Japan	1.9

Other Reference Nations

Switerland	25.5
Sweden	54.9

(Source:  www.divorcereform.org)

The economic costs are high.  Statistically, women & children are hardest hit, and often end up struggling to get by.  That’s not to say that divorced men don’t take an economic hit too.  It’s a lose-lose proposition.  Some argue that divorce is a major cause of poverty in America.  That doesn’t count the emotional costs, such as the fact that millions of children grow up without their fathers as a significant presence in their lives.

On the flip side, married men and women are statistically more likely to live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives.

Given all this, you have to wonder about America’s future as the impact of a divorce culture generates a cumulative effect on future generations.

It also begs the question, why is the American divorce rate so high?  Some would blame it on America’s cultural center of gravity.  Hollywood is a place where marriages must be measured, like a baby’s age, in months in order for anyone to have a 25^th “anniversary”. 

Could it be that American men so much worse than than men around the world?  It’s hard to believe American men are worse than, for example, the French.  Maybe American women have unrealistically high expectations of marriage.  Perhaps it’s just too easy to get a divorce.  Maybe it’s an unexpected side-effect of the feminist movement.  I really don't know.  (What do you think?  Take the poll below.)

But regardless of why, how should we address the problem?  Countries with low divorce rates, like Switzerland and Japan, might provide hints. 

Switzerland, despite being a developed, western country, has a divorce rate less than half that of the USA.  One unique aspect of Swiss life is the community pressure to conform that keeps the country running like, well, a Swiss clock.  This pressure dictates all sorts of social behavior, from when you shop (even “convenience” stores are open just one evening a week) to the disapproval expressed if your car is more than three-years old.  There is also disapproval if you divorce.

Japan is also famous for the social pressures to conform.  Historically, one undeniable part of that pressure is for women to marry young and to stay married. 

Now this kind of repressive peer pressure would not “take” in America, whose strength lies in its almost chaotic freedom.  Indeed, it is that freedom that inspires the energetic entrepreneurial engine that supports the American economy. 

As late as the 1960’s, divorce was indeed stigmatized in America.  But divorce was frowned upon even when one spouse was escaping infidelity, alcoholism or abuse.  That kind of negative peer pressure is not the answer.  Society now does not criticize divorce.  But has society gone so far that it cares little if your marriage succeeds?

America needs cheerleaders for marriage, and coaches too.  I believe there is a way to exert positive peer pressure in this one area.

So here’s a proposal.   Committed married couples should befriend and mentor engaged couples.   They should counsel and encourage them before they are married.  They should prepare them for the issues that they will face over their lifetimes.  And most of all, they should encourage a sense of accountability—a sense that someone truly wants their marriage to succeed, is pulling for them, and will be disappointed if they fail.  That’s the kind of positive peer pressure that can help America lose the one championship it never really wanted.

Malcolm B. Stephens is a co-author of the book Knowing Me, Knowing You:  A Multiple-Choice Quiz for Engaged Couples.  This book helps couples to get to know each other’s beliefs, pet peeves and expectations in preparation for married life.

[Roxymoron]

I know it may seem like marriage will someday no longer exist, but I don't think that will ever happen to a large extent. There is still something very appealing about marriage to most people, even those that have been divorced one or more times, and it makes people either long for it and, thus, try to find a partner and work to establish a good marital relationship, or want to try again even if they've been through a miserable divorce.

And I see that in non-religious people as well, not just in those who are religious. And I understand that very well, and I don't think marriage will ever really cease to exist.

[Roxymoron]

Hate to burst your bubble, but adulterly occurred in numbers you don't even want to think about LONG BEFORE the 60's, you just didn't hear about it because people kept that to themselves and dealt with it between themselves, as it should be. What right does the law have to get involved with that kind of thing? Why are those who want less big, intrusive, government, especially when it comes to standing up for our rights of property ownership and gun ownership, the first to demand the government pry into and legislate the personal lives of its citizens?

[Rebelbase]

"There's big money in divorce--for the lawyers. No fault divorce is very good for business. "

So true. A couple I know are going through what should be a fairly simple division of marital assets, basically liquidate and spit the money up.....but no, the wife's attorney has already burned through $8,000 in discovery fees and now wants to hold depositions. Bottom line, the attorney knows how much money the wife has to burn and is enriching themself. The wife is stupid enough to think her attorney is looking out for her best interest.

[Eva]

I don't think that it is so much no-fault divorce, as it is the two income, wait til we have enough money to have kids, couples.

Each person is totally independent and with no kids, if it's not paradise, they try again. Even with kids, the added independence of the working mom, makes it a lot easier.

[Temple Drake]

get the cat o'nine tails ready, then ...

[Temple Drake]

perhaps dry sherry and a Sobranie instead?

[Roxymoron]

I am a member of Feminists for Life, a pro-life group, if that answers your question about abortion. And as for homosexuality, I have no opinion one way or the other. And I am not at all revising American history, I happen to have a bachelor's degree in history. We may think adultery was uncommon at that time, but it really wasn't. That doesn't make it right, but it doesn' mean it didn't happen either. It was just kept a lot more quiet than it is now. You have to dig a little deeper than the usual, "official" sources, like social historians do. And just because I say something was a lot more common than we like to think it is doesn't mean I agree with or believe in it. I've seen the tremendous damage caused by adultery and, if I ever am married, intend to demand fidelity and to never engage in it myself. But, as a paralegal, I can tell you with certainty that prosecutors and the justice system have more than enough far more important things to deal with than delving into someone's sex life. They don't have time or resources to fully deal with crimes like rape, murder, burglary, assault, theft, carjackings, etc., etc., right now, and frankly those are considered far more important than someone's sex life.

[MalcolmS]

The stay-married rate for practicing Christians and Jews is 97.3%.

I'd love to have a source for this stat. There's so many who claim that, for example, fundamentalist Christians have a 30% divorce rate, etc. Not that anyone publishing such stats would have an *adjenda* to discredit the religious or anything.

[Artist]

"I am a member of Feminists for Life, a pro-life group, if that answers your question about abortion."

Bravo. They're doing excellent work.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

True, the two-income family causes problems. I think, however, that it adds to the dysfunctional family as a whole (delinquint kids, latch-key kids fer example). However, the no-fault divorce arrangement allows couples to get divorced at the drop of a hat. Under the old arrangement, you could not get divorced unless either both parties agreed to it, or unless infidelity could be proven. By lowering the bar, as they have, states have actually encouraged the divorce industry, rather than discourage it. I don't think, by any means, that no-fault divorce is entirely to blame or even mostly to blame. I do believe that it has a significant impact, however.

[MalcolmS]

Divorce rates are utterly useless statistics. They usually compare the number marriages against to number of divorces in a single year. But the population of marriages which could potentially end in divorce is obviously going to be much higher than the number of weddings.

Divorce rates are actually only somewhat useless ;-).

The correct comparison is the population of marriages which could end in divorce vs. the population of single people who could end up married.

Over a period of time, you can count the total marriages and total divorces and compare the two numbers and get a number which gives an indication for the chances for success.

Two things mess up the equation.

1) As has been pointed out elswhere on the thread, multiple marriers (Larry King, Liz Taylor types) skew the stats for everyone else.

2) Demographic spikes, like the baby boom, can affect the short-term states. A big demographic bubble passing the the first-marriage years can boost the getting married number, leading to an apparent decline in divorce rates. Two to seven years later, this group will start divorcing, while the following baby bust group is not contributing as many numbers to the getting married side of the equation. This leads to an apparent leap in the divorce rate.

The best way is to follow a large cohort of people throughout their lives and see what their rates are like. The problem with this is that it takes a long time to get results (a lifetime, really), which are outdated by the time the study is complete and may not represent current trends.

[Frumious Bandersnatch]

My wife is my best friend. One of my sisters put it succintly for me once when she indicated that I would have to marry a special person, since no one else would put up with me. Well I did marry someone special, and I admit that I am not the easiest person to put up with. Whenever I get irritated, I stop and think what my wife has to put up with. Then I start feeling sorry for my wife...

[twigs]

Something else may be happening too. We have friends from China who have been here for about a year. While we really like these two, we have noticed that the Chinese are quite self-centered. I think both of our friends would say this too; they really notice the difference in their culture and American society. They also tell me that at least half of all Chinese couples who immigrate here divorce. We're not sure whether our friend's marriage will make it. It would have in China, but now the wife compares how her husband treats her (typical for China) compared to how my husband treats me (I'm married to a wonderful man who shows his love freely). So they might get divorced here, a marriage that would have stayed together in China. I have to wonder if that happens to immigrants from other regions as well.

[twigs]

Well put. And been there, done that. I dated very little when I was a single parent because I didn't think it was fair to my daughter. I'm now married to a wonderful man. He sometimes fantazies about a submissive wife, but I notice that he's been married to two (his first wife died) strong-willed women. He admits that he doesn't want a dependent type hanging onto him--he just likes to think about it! LOL. BTW, I found him on the internet. Not a bad way to find a spouse, if you're careful.