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LADIES - Learn The RULES!!!!!!
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Posted on 06/06/2003 7:55:04 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1

OK LADIES - LEARN THE RULES!!!!!!

The Rules developed by National Fairness to Men Organization. This time like the "United States Constitution" these rules are developed by Men. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules for all women to live by! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

Rules for Women to Live By

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: havepillowwilltravel
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All Freeperettes are required to print this out and memorize!!!! :-)
1 posted on 06/06/2003 7:55:04 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1
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To: JoeSixPack1
I'm sure glad MY man isn't like this! My ex, however, WAS.
2 posted on 06/06/2003 7:58:53 PM PDT by arasina (Thank God the White House now has plenty of CLEAN laundry!)
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Comment #3 Removed by Moderator

To: Nightshift
Ping
4 posted on 06/06/2003 8:01:19 PM PDT by tutstar
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To: JoeSixPack1
Words to live by....

also..men are allowed to watch The Man Show and South Park

5 posted on 06/06/2003 8:02:55 PM PDT by finnman69 (!)
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To: ewing
you might enjoy this
6 posted on 06/06/2003 8:03:43 PM PDT by finnman69 (!)
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To: JoeSixPack1
Aw.... another man who likes to think he's in control.LOL
7 posted on 06/06/2003 8:05:01 PM PDT by SouthernFreebird
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To: JoeSixPack1
EXCELLENT LIST! I completely agree about the hair thing. So many women who have nice beautiful long hair get it cut!!!
Why do they do that????????????
8 posted on 06/06/2003 8:05:21 PM PDT by ConservativeMan55 (Boycott Smuckers Jelly ! ! ! ! !)
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To: ConservativeMan55
I do it because my MAN likes it best SHORT! So there...you can't generalize about men, either....LOL.
9 posted on 06/06/2003 8:06:58 PM PDT by goodnesswins (FR - the truth, and nothing but the truth.........getting to the bottom of journalistic bias.)
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To: goodnesswins
I do it because my MAN likes it best SHORT!

Ya think???

<|:)~~

10 posted on 06/06/2003 8:08:01 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1 (POW/MIA - Bring 'em home, or send us back! Semper Fi)
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To: goodnesswins
Hahaha. He likes it best that way because he knows he BETTER like it best that way!!
11 posted on 06/06/2003 8:08:35 PM PDT by ConservativeMan55 (Boycott Smuckers Jelly ! ! ! ! !)
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To: JoeSixPack1
Do you like the song ( I'm the man ) ?
12 posted on 06/06/2003 8:08:35 PM PDT by OREALLY
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To: JoeSixPack1
I like #1 the best!!
13 posted on 06/06/2003 8:08:37 PM PDT by Delta 21 (GOD....Guns.....& Guts -- It takes all three to be FREE)
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To: JoeSixPack1
You have too many shoes. This is impossible. A logical fallacy. A woman cannot have too many shoes. That'sis like saying a beach has too many grains of sand or the universe has too many stars!
14 posted on 06/06/2003 8:09:25 PM PDT by Lorianne
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To: finnman69
Juggies are good, but the man show is everything that is wrong with what feminized tv thinks men want on tv.
15 posted on 06/06/2003 8:09:25 PM PDT by longtermmemmory
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To: finnman69; martin_fierro
BOING! oops

SHWWIIIINNNGGGGG....! oops

PING! err,, BUMP!

BUMP!
16 posted on 06/06/2003 8:09:48 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1 (POW/MIA - Bring 'em home, or send us back! Semper Fi)
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To: JoeSixPack1
Added humor from the only masculinist on this forum.

Secrets of Women's Language

The Secrets of Women's Language - A must-read for any man

Keywords and their meanings:

"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

"Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

17 posted on 06/06/2003 8:10:00 PM PDT by farmfriend ( Isaiah 55:10,11)
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To: Delta 21
#1 is the best!!! I agree! :-)
18 posted on 06/06/2003 8:11:21 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1 (POW/MIA - Bring 'em home, or send us back! Semper Fi)
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To: JoeSixPack1

Hubba hubba.

19 posted on 06/06/2003 8:11:47 PM PDT by martin_fierro (A v v n c v l v s M a x i m v s)
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To: ConservativeMan55
NO...not at all....I prefer my hair longer....he prefers my hair shorter. That's it. Plus, sometimes when a woman gets of a CERTAIN age....it does look better when it's cut shorter.
20 posted on 06/06/2003 8:11:48 PM PDT by goodnesswins (FR - the truth, and nothing but the truth.........getting to the bottom of journalistic bias.)
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To: Carry_Okie; forester; sasquatch; B4Ranch; SierraWasp; hedgetrimmer; christie; comwatch; ...
Pinging the short list+ just for humors sake. There is no getting off this list.
21 posted on 06/06/2003 8:12:29 PM PDT by farmfriend ( Isaiah 55:10,11)
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To: ConservativeMan55
Whenever I hear a woman say "Its easier to maintain" or "I don't need it long any more" I hear, "I don't care about sex with him." She is sadly forgetting that he may want to have a sex life with her. Then they complain when he looks at a woman who care about looking feminine. (told my wife a couple of musts, one was hair must be not short. Any color, have fun, but NOT short)

For those who are upset, of course there are varients. But don't you see the common thread in all of these, its WOMEN have to communicate CLEARLY. No games.
22 posted on 06/06/2003 8:15:37 PM PDT by longtermmemmory
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To: farmfriend
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

OMG!!!!!! The frozen moments of bliss!! How we cherish them!! ;-)

23 posted on 06/06/2003 8:15:58 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1 (POW/MIA - Bring 'em home, or send us back! Semper Fi)
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To: JoeSixPack1
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

LOL! I've always wondered why women can squeeze out a baby and are supposed to be allowed to fight on the front lines, but cannot lower a toilet seat.

24 posted on 06/06/2003 8:16:17 PM PDT by Paul Atreides
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To: JoeSixPack1
It's all so simple. Why do we have to write it down?
25 posted on 06/06/2003 8:17:24 PM PDT by BigBobber
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To: netmilsmom
Here's something you'll get a laugh out of.
26 posted on 06/06/2003 8:17:27 PM PDT by JonathansMommie (God Bless Our Troops)
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To: Paul Atreides
Yes...I've often wondered why that is too (that men are required to put t-seat down, but women don't have to put it up....and I'm a woman! I am lucky to have a husband whose Mom taught him to put the seat down, though!
27 posted on 06/06/2003 8:19:11 PM PDT by goodnesswins (FR - the truth, and nothing but the truth.........getting to the bottom of journalistic bias.)
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To: ConservativeMan55
Why do they do that????????????

Can't say for anyone except myself, but three children in a four year period of time sort of puts things in perspective.

There came a day when I realized that my long, flowing wavy hair became easier and quicker to throw into a ponytail after showering when it was about eight inches shorter; and of course, without those extra inches it became less of a fun object onto which a baby could latch.

And earrings...Long hair and earrings had to go with the babies.
28 posted on 06/06/2003 8:20:49 PM PDT by Sweet_Sunflower29 (*sigh*)
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To: ConservativeMan55
EXCELLENT LIST! I completely agree about the hair thing. So many women who have nice beautiful long hair get it cut!!! Why do they do that????????????

It's not so much them cutting their hair as it is that they choose an ugly short hair cut. I was in a college class a few months ago and there was a gorgeous blond who had beautiful long hair. She got a short hair cut and, while she was still gorgeous, the cut was not complimentary.

29 posted on 06/06/2003 8:21:18 PM PDT by Paul Atreides
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To: Lorianne
Workboots = riding boots.
Dress shoes = riding boots
With blue jeans = riding boots
With knit trousers = riding boots
Pin stripe suit = Polished riding boots
Shorts = barefoot
Around the house = ripped t-shirt & socks & beer & underware

Just call me Mr. Aristocratic :-)
30 posted on 06/06/2003 8:23:07 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1 (POW/MIA - Bring 'em home, or send us back! Semper Fi)
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To: goodnesswins
He only says he likes it best that way to avoid an argument. That's all. When was the last time he pushed you out the door to get it cut?
31 posted on 06/06/2003 8:26:38 PM PDT by HighWheeler
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To: Lorianne
I don't really mind the shoes,just don't understand the logic when she's barefoot most of the time-at least at home.
32 posted on 06/06/2003 8:26:48 PM PDT by John W
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To: longtermmemmory
When I wake up in the middle of the night tied up in knots and spend a few scary, serious minutes trying to untangle myself, it's time for at least a foot to come off.

It doesn't mean I'm not interested in my hubby, it means that I need to LIGHTEN THE LOAD! ;-)

BTW, my hubby is the one who cuts my hair. Considering he's named after an animal, shaves his own head with a beard trimmer and starts snipping my hair after a few beers, he actually does a nice job. LOL

33 posted on 06/06/2003 8:27:31 PM PDT by Marie (If poor spelling is an indicator of a brilliant mind, then I'm a total genious.)
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To: Lorianne
Imelda, is that you?
34 posted on 06/06/2003 8:28:06 PM PDT by Chancellor Palpatine
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To: Paul Atreides
I've always wondered why women can squeeze out a baby and are supposed to be allowed to fight on the front lines, but cannot lower a toilet seat.

Living in a house with three "men", I always figured if I couldn't determine the status of the seat before I sat down, I deserved what I got.

35 posted on 06/06/2003 8:28:25 PM PDT by farmfriend ( Isaiah 55:10,11)
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To: Chi-Town Steve
(((ping))) (((sigh)))
36 posted on 06/06/2003 8:29:11 PM PDT by Anomaly in Illinois ((never forget !))
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To: ConservativeMan55
I have long blonde hair and cut it once to donate it to one of our pediatric patients with cancer. My husband whined about it for 18 months. Now it is long enough for him to be happy again. It was for a great cause. Now, how selfish is that?
37 posted on 06/06/2003 8:29:15 PM PDT by Cate
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To: HighWheeler
SORRY GUYS...he does ALMOST push me out the door to get it cut.....I've been growing it for LOCKS FOR LOVE (charity) for the past year....(My hair grows an inch a month and I have LOTS of it).....and he keeps asking me....WHEN did you say you were going to get it cut?....believe me, after 20 years, I KNOW what my husband LIKES.....my hair SHORT! Like I said....you can't GENERALIZE about MEN any more than you can about women.
38 posted on 06/06/2003 8:29:48 PM PDT by goodnesswins (FR - the truth, and nothing but the truth.........getting to the bottom of journalistic bias.)
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To: Cate
At least he noticed.....and cared.
39 posted on 06/06/2003 8:30:51 PM PDT by Paul Atreides
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To: JoeSixPack1
"Learn how to work the toilet seat"....hey guys, we already know but what you don't realize is that a bathroom trip during the middle of the night is done in the dark (for your comfort)!! I challenge any man to take a bathroom trip during the middle of the night with no lights and sit on the seat...I guarantee you that you too would complain.

"We don't remember dates".....You guys wan't us to remember that the seat is possibly in the up right position during the middle of the night but you can't remember our birthday? Sorry fella's....it has to work both ways or it won't work at all.

"Men usually look at pretty girls"....fine with me! Just don't start getting suspicious when we go out with our female friends and complain that we are trying to look too good for an outing with just girls.

"So, you want to scratch yourself huh"....OK, but don't be surprised that we turn you down for a roll in the hay after witnessing one of your scratching sessions.

"You don't like it when we ask you if we are fat"....We don't like it when we have to fake it and then tell you how wonderful it was! Your male ego's are fragile....so deal with it!!

"Change our own oil".....Right, as soon as the kids have been fed.....as soon as the kids are asleep.....as soon as the dishes are done.....as soon as the laundry is done.....as soon as we empty the garbage....as soon as we are done faking it....so on and so on.

"You guys don't like to go shopping"....Hey, this woman NEVER likes to shop with the hubby. I'd rather shop alone and leave you home to watch the game.
40 posted on 06/06/2003 8:32:16 PM PDT by Arpege92
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To: JoeSixPack1
don't forget the remote..


41 posted on 06/06/2003 8:32:46 PM PDT by ALS ("No, I'm NOT a Professor. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!")
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To: goodnesswins
Soooooo.....does he also do needlepoint and read Cosmo?
42 posted on 06/06/2003 8:32:54 PM PDT by HighWheeler
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To: ConservativeMan55
We don't like it when our kids pull our long hair. Short hair is cooler, and it's easier to wash/dry.

Mothers become very practical.
43 posted on 06/06/2003 8:32:59 PM PDT by luckystarmom
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To: Arpege92
Any woman who would sit on the toilet without checking the seat first deserves a wet butt.
44 posted on 06/06/2003 8:34:09 PM PDT by HighWheeler
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To: Arpege92
I challenge any man to take a bathroom trip during the middle of the night with no lights and sit on the seat...I guarantee you that you too would complain.

Nah. I'd learn a lesson from it.

45 posted on 06/06/2003 8:35:44 PM PDT by Paul Atreides
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To: Paul Atreides
Oh he noticed, and it took alot of lovin' to convince him that I was growing it back as fast as I could...
46 posted on 06/06/2003 8:36:03 PM PDT by Cate
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To: HighWheeler
LOL...NOT hardly.....but he does flyfish, and has tied a few flies....does that count as needlepoint?
47 posted on 06/06/2003 8:36:16 PM PDT by goodnesswins (FR - the truth, and nothing but the truth.........getting to the bottom of journalistic bias.)
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To: Cate
Absoleutly acceptable, extremely generous and noble!

My compliments to your hubby! <|:)~~

48 posted on 06/06/2003 8:36:22 PM PDT by JoeSixPack1 (POW/MIA - Bring 'em home, or send us back! Semper Fi)
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To: HighWheeler
AAAAAAAHHHHH....I dare ya to take a bathroom trip with NO LIGHTS....and sitting down.
49 posted on 06/06/2003 8:37:00 PM PDT by Arpege92
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To: Paul Atreides
You want us to do the giving and you the taking....is this correct?
50 posted on 06/06/2003 8:38:36 PM PDT by Arpege92
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