Posted on 06/15/2003 10:39:14 AM PDT by Mister Magoo
He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it
June 15, 2003
BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST
Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.
On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.
Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.
"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."
Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.
"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.
Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.
"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."
Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.
"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."
Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.
"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."
In the abstinence world, a date is a date.
"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."
But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.
""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.
On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.
"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."
Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.
"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."
As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.
For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.
No, that is the median, mode, and average IQ assuming a normal distribution. If average IQ were the optimal IQ, why did the average IQ of our ancestors rise over time? Natural selection caused the mean to rise over generations. I think this implies that an IQ above the mean is optimal.
My father, for one. I've tried to learn from his mistakes. (Though given that Jesus taught that one commits adultery just by the act of lusting, I'm a virgin only by bare technicality. :^) )
OTOH, if one has already bought the cow and the milk dries up, why keep feeding it?
That sounds like something Bill Clinton would say.
Ah, the tyranical cries of the uncontrolled, who demand with all the fervency of a religious fanatic that all men be as uncontrolled as they . . .
Every parent on this board who had a son that had been celibate for 10 years during his 20s, excepting that he was an ordained priest, would seriously wonder if their son wasn't gay, clinically depressed, or have serious psychological issues.
I'm 27. Thus far, my parents remain proud, though they of course look forward to me meeting the woman God has in mind for me so that they can become even prouder grandparents. They're far more concerned with my younger brother, who started having sex at 14, cut a swath through the girls of all four grades of our high school by age 16, got burned out and started experimenting with bisexuality that same year, and "came out of the closet" at 18.
If you're truly committed to each other, you'll find a way to handle it. Frankly, of all the couples I've met who waited until marriage, I've never known any to break up over sex.
Yes, but it's not the only logical progression. Your desire to paint Mr. Washington as some kind of disturbed individual so that you can ignore the point of the article is blinding you to other possibilities.
Not on purpose.
Wanna bet?
Holy $#!? Batman. Garbonzo and I just agreed on something! ;^)
LOL I sympathize. At one point in my life, I felt so unlovable that I completely missed two separate girls that were hitting on me. In hindsight, it was obvious. Now, I always wonder what signs I'm missing currently.
She's never held any elected office. Very few presidents have ever been elected president without previously holding an elective office. All the ones I can think of off the top of my head were generals like Washington, Jackson, Harrison, Grant, and Eisenhower.
Or toying with someone else's feelings. A mature and virtuous man would not do that.
I disagree with most of what you have posted on this thread, but agree completely with this one.
As a divorced man of 50 who never cheated on his spouse and who will not have sex until I remarry (believe me, it is not because I don't have strong sexual urges), a man and woman need to discuss the potential for a future marriage before six months. If the two have not discussed all aspects of their relationship in great depth by that time, they are not truly being honest with each other or themselves. I think a person can know if there is potential for marriage within a couple of months - I did
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