The Marriage Strike - Why are men reluctant to marry?

Radiofree West Hartford ^ | August 13, 2003 | Wendy McElroy

[ddodd3329]

Why do fewer people marry?

According to a 1999 National Vital Statistics Report from the CDC, 7.4 per 1,000 Americans married in 1998. From 1990 to 1995, the marriage rate dropped from 9.8 to 7.6. Different sources render other statistics but the trend remains sharply downward.

There is never a single or comprehensive explanation for complex phenomena that are rooted deeply in human psychology. Non-marriage is a particularly difficult issue to address because, as a recent paper from Rutgers University entitled "Why Men Won't Commit" explains, official sources are scarce. "The federal government issues thousands of reports on nearly every dimension of American life. ... But it provides no annual index or report on the state of marriage." Much of the discussion of the motives surrounding non-marriage must be anecdotal, therefore, relying on statistics to provide framework and perspective.

In examining reasons for the current decline of marriage, one question usually receives short shrift. Why are men reluctant to marry?

The Rutgers report -- admittedly based on a small sample -- found ten prevalent reasons. The first three:

They can get sex without marriage;

They can enjoy "a wife" through cohabitation; and,

They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

As a critic of anti-male bias in the family courts, the reasons I hear most frequently from non-marrying men are fear of financial devastation in divorce and of losing meaningful contact with children afterward. (Such feedback is anecdotal evidence but, when you hear the same response over a period of years from several hundred different sources, it becomes prudent to listen.)

In a similar vein, the Rutgers report finds: "Many men also fear the financial consequences of divorce. They say that their financial assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. They fear that an ex-wife will 'take you for all you've got' and that 'men have more to lose financially than women' from a divorce."

Increasingly, men are stating their reasons for not marrying on the Internet. In an article entitled "The Marriage Strike," Matthew Weeks expresses a sentiment common to such sites, "If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that -- given the current state of the nation's family courts -- divorce is slavery for men."

Weeks provides the math. One in two marriages will fail with the wife being twice as likely to initiate the proceedings on grounds of "general discontent" -- the minimum requirement of no-fault divorce. The odds of the woman receiving custody of children are overwhelming, with many fathers effectively being denied visitation. The wife usually keeps the "family" assets and, perhaps, receives alimony as well as child support. Many men confront continuing poverty to pay for the former marriage.

>>>Continued<<<

[Joe Brower]

Perhaps of interest.

[KantianBurke]

oh boy. another marriage thread. :>

Can't wait for the lady posters who were married during the Ike administration say how today's wariness by men is nonsense.

[banjo joe]

Here's why (asbestos suit on)...
men give love for sex
women give sex for love
Guys hear too often from married friends that the "great sex" has stopped, especially after the first child is born and she transitions from friend and lover to mother.
Okay, that's natural... but she should not forget the friend/lover role that brought them together.

And in the 21st century... as loose as morals are... why keep a cow when milk is free?

Wish I were 20 again...

[ladyjane]

LOL

[ModelBreaker]

The statistic otf 7.6 per 1000 down from 9.8 is meaningless unless you know what percentage of the population is marrying age. I suspect most of this change is demographic. Marriages drop for the same reason that crime dropped in the 90's--the number of men age 16-30 as a percentage of the population declined.

That's the criminal age and the marrying age.

[MarkL]

Gee... I wonder why I'm not married...

Mark

[patriot_wes]

I saw a great bumper sticker last week, it said

Why Get Married? Find A Woman You Hate And Buy Her A House!

[MonroeDNA]

Good article.

[John Lenin]

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free anyways ?

[FourPeas]

Speaking as a woman, who's never been divorced but has divorced female friends, divorce is a pain for the woman, too. But, more importantly, why did men let this happen?

I'll repeat that: why did men let this happen? I'll admit I've not done the research, but it's a pretty safe guess tht when no fault divorce laws were inacted: most law makers were men; most judges were men; most governors were men. Why on earth did men get themselves in this pickle? And, why don't they get themselves out of it?

[Bubba_Leroy]

Why are men reluctant to marry?

Like my Grandma always said, why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?

[Bubba_Leroy]

Have you been talking to my Grandma?

[the gillman@blacklagoon.com]

Just a small matter, but among the many and growing injustices toward men, is the one where divorced men are forced to pay for illegitimate bastards from the wife's fooling around.

Even after DNA tests prove they aren't the father.

[Mr. Jeeves]

The Marriage Strike - Why are men reluctant to marry?

AKA: Mars Shrugged.

[patton]

Hello.

[ken5050]

me, I'm waiting for a polygamy advocate to chime in here..to say he's doing yeoman work..

[KantianBurke]

Cause this man made a BIG mistake as Gov. of CA when he signed into law the FIRST no fault divorce law:

[jjm2111]

Excellent article and an excellent term for it: "Marriage Strike".

I'm in my late twenties and really do not forsee myself getting married. I've heard too many horror stories.

The only exception might be to a Christian woman who takes marriage seriously. Other than that... [shrug]

[jjm2111]

AKA: Mars Shrugged.

Very Good.

[xrp]

They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.

That is definitely it for me.

[tortoise]

The only exception might be to a Christian woman who takes marriage seriously.

Even then, you are taking your chances. Seriously.

[Mr. Jeeves]

Why on earth did men get themselves in this pickle? And, why don't they get themselves out of it?

Paternalistic, "old-school" judges and legislators hearkened back to a time when women needed to be protected from the rougher element. When the radical feminists came along with their anti-male legislation and lawsuits, these old codgers were easily fooled into thinking they were somehow protecting female virtue by doing the feminists' bidding. Now, those old guys are not around to correct their mistakes, having been replaced by young leftists with an interest in maintaining the new status quo.

It's going to be tough to reverse without a second American Revolution.

[laurav]

Well, here's another spin on it. Cultural forces have been lengthening adolescence for years. People go to graduate school, or switch between jobs or even still live with their parents until their mid-20's, meaning most men are in no position to support a family at age 25. Consequently, most aren't prepared to get married at age 25. Women who start thinking about when they are going to have children around this time will not find many eligible, stable men who are grown up enough to commit.

So my friends and I have a solution to this (we are in our early/mid-20's). We are all dating men who are roughly 10 years older than we are. By that time they've finally grown up, they're financially stable, and they're looking to settle down. They are the ones trying to hurry through courtship to marriage. It's quite nice after dating 25 year old men who couldn't plan by Wednesday for Saturday night.

[ken5050]

FYI..."no-fault" divorce was one of the first rallying cries of the soccer-mom suburban feminazis.....yet studies done 20 years after states first enacted NF divorce lawes show that is has been just awful for women and kids..the income of the male rises significantly after the divorce, while the income, and living standard of the female, and the children, drops dramatically..funny how we dont here much about that..it's like the luxury tax on yachts..rememebr that..it killed the boatbuilding busines..put thousands of workers on unemployment..

[jjm2111]

Even then, you are taking your chances. Seriously.

That bad?

[bayourod]

"why keep a cow when milk is free? "

Why mess with cows when calves are cheaper?

You know why older men date young girls? Because they can.

[US_MilitaryRules]

I have a friend who is being pressured to marry. It won't happen. He says he's not buying his house for the third time.

[MineralMan]

"men give love for sex
women give sex for love
Guys hear too often from married friends that the "great sex" has stopped, especially after the first child is born and she transitions from friend and lover to mother.
"

People who marry for sex, primarily, are idiots. Marriage is far more than that, and as people grow older, other elements of a relationship take on more and more significance.

If you're contemplating marriage, think about it a long time. Are you marrying primarily to have a regular sex partner? Forget it. Are you marrying because, along with the sex, you find your prospective partner to be the best friend you ever had? Then marry, by all means.

Marriage is a very, very important decision. How are you going to feel, ten or twenty years down the road when your spouse has, perhaps a serious illness? How is your partner going to feel under the same circumstances? Do you agree completely on important things like child-rearing, religion, the importance of wealth, etc.? If not, think hard, because it's difficult to change these things.

Does your prospective parter have a drug or alcohol problem of any kind? That's tough to change. Are your personalities compatible? One neatnick and one slob make for a rocky time ahead.

Marriage is serious. It ain't just sex. Far from it.

[xrp]

Not in Georgia!

[tortoise]

That bad?

I'm just happy I got out largely unscathed, due to fortuitous circumstances and fortunate timing.

[onedoug]

The gratitude that went up in contemplating the meaning in my wedding ring, juxtaposed against my Bible's turning page....

[george wythe]

Some men marry two wives; I would not call that relunctance ;-)

Millionaire's double life stuns family, community

While their wives drove Rolls-Royces and moved among Tampa's elite, Douglas Cone and Donald Carlson always seemed busy with business.

Carlson was also frequently away from home — an absence his family attributed to a sensitive government job that required him to travel for long stretches.

But those business trips masked a shocking secret: Douglas Cone was Donald Carlson. Cone lived a secret double life for nearly 30 years, raising two affluent families in lavish homes 20 miles apart — one with his wife of 52 years and the other with a former employee.

By all accounts, Jean Ann Cone never suspected her husband was using an alias to carry on a relationship with Hillary Carlson, 18 years her junior. He fathered three children with his wife and two with Carlson.

The double life unraveled this spring only after Jean Ann Cone died at 75 and Cone married Hillary Carlson two weeks later. Friends said they learned of his new marriage in Sumter County, about an hour north of Tampa, when the local newspaper printed a listing of local marriages.

[jjm2111]

Ouch.

[HighWheeler]

"Guys hear too often from married friends that the "great sex" has stopped, especially after the first child is born and she transitions from friend and lover to mother."

The kids are her flesh and blood, but husband is just some guy she met at a party who now works to support her family.

[Eva]

I was thinking the same thing, meaningless statistics. ZPG has just caught up with marriage rate.

[FreedomAvatar]

Because 67 to 75% of divorces are initiated by the female partner: 74to 80% of unilateral (non-mutual) divorces. (Percentages vary only slightly from the US to Australia to Germany).

[Maggie Gallagher, The Abolition of Marriage: How We Destroy Lasting Love, Washington, DC: Regnery, 1996, who cites Frank F. Furstenberg, Jr. and Andrew J. Cherlin, Divided Families: What Happens to Children When Parents Part, Harvard University Press, 1991, p. 22. Ilene Wolcott and Jody Hughes,& "Towards Understanding the Reasons for Divorce,"

And the man stands to lose his children, 50% of his assets, and be relegated to "obligor" status by the anti-father "family" court system - at the sole discretion of a single judge. No proof is needed to pass summary judgement that dad is: inferior, unnecessary (except as an obligor), and a deadbeat (ahhh- the humiliation of having your wages garnished).

Equal protection under the law? Yeah, right.

I see friends of mine living this same hell, day after day. Marriage? Might as well play Russian Roulette with 3 bullets in the revolver.

[riri]

ummm, because women ballon up to 250 pounds shortly thereafter?

[CoolPapaBoze]

Boy, you're not kidding. I am 34, live in the Bay area and recently got married (to a girl from back home Louisiana). If I were single and living here, why the hell would I get married? The conversations I have about the "dating" scene here with single colleagues, particularly the females, absolutely blow my mind. Dating is probably the wrong verb. Where were these loose women when I was single? It's an old corny phrase, but why would you buy the cow when you can get the milk for free indeed.

[ASA Vet]

why did men let this happen?

For the same reason men proposed and ratified Amendment XIX in 1920.

Their wives made them.

[montag813]

Wish I were 20 again...

You said it brother. Even the geeks are getting laid these days. And girls consider it their duty to orally service as many guys as ask, with no strings of course.

[Dubh_Ghlase]

I can honestly say that "marrying within your faith" is a big plus to making a marriage work. Mine just past 25 and is going strong.

However, on the flip side: (Taking religion/faith out) I have found many women now use marriage, children, and divorce as a business. They marry, have a kid or 2, then divorce, taking at least half the assets and putting the husband (who may not be the father) on the hook financially for decades to come. Some don't even wait for kids. They hook an older, more financially secure man, live with him awhile, then she's off with the wallet. In Florida, it's 50/50 for assets acquired during the marriage. The woman gets the ring, then gets the new hubby to spring for new digs, new cars, vacation condo, etc. Then the split comes and he really gets nailed in the assets! Too sad for words...

[MineralMan]

"Guys hear too often from married friends that the "great sex" has stopped, especially after the first child is born and she transitions from friend and lover to mother."

The kids are her flesh and blood, but husband is just some guy she met at a party who now works to support her family."

Then that guy married the wrong person. Sheesh! The advice is out there, but people don't take it. "Marry in haste; repent at leisure."

Marry someone who is also a terrific friend; someone whose children will be yours, and whom you agree with on almost everything. Marry for sex, primarily, and you'll be in big trouble down the road.

[bayourod]

I do the same for any girl with no string.

[montomike]

As a divorced male (amiable divorce, no kids involved, she wrote me a check and kept the house!):

Why would anyone put up with a woman's crap? They take over your life, make you feel guilty about having an extra beer, think they can mold you when they won't change themselves, ad nauseum.

Especially...never marry a liberal woman!

[NEWwoman]

Another female perspective: A divorce happened to a male relative and I see a lot of truth to this article. They were childless, she contributed little monetarily to the marriage, she left him, lived with another man, initiated the divorce, she took him to the cleaners. He had retired, but was forced to go back to work, which his wages are garnished, she has 1/3 of his pension, he has to refinance to pay her part of the house - though she did not make the mortgage payments.

I hate to say it - but I see men getting a raw deal with no fault divorce and I don't blame them for reacting this way.

[xrp]

The conversations I have about the "dating" scene here with single colleagues, particularly the females, absolutely blow my mind.

What exactly are the women on the WEST coast saying? Just wondering...