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The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses
Cracked.com ^ | 11/28/2007 | David Wong

Posted on 11/28/2007 11:32:42 AM PST by SomeReasonableDude

"God listened carefully to their complaints, weighed their points, then made the earth eat them alive. The text does not make it clear whether or not the earth made that "OM NOM NOM" sound, so scholars are forced to speculate.

This really puts things in perspective for the anti-religion critics. They can complain all they want about religious "intolerance" and pushy evangelicals trying to censor TV and annoy people into conversion. But, that's a hell of an improvement over the situation during the Exodus, when God would feed nonbelievers to the mighty Sarlacc."

(Excerpt) Read more at cracked.com ...


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: bible; christianity; hilarity
I can't stop laughing. A few of these came up during my Bible study classes, but the commentary just pushes it over the top.
1 posted on 11/28/2007 11:32:43 AM PST by SomeReasonableDude
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To: SomeReasonableDude

bump for later perusal.


2 posted on 11/28/2007 11:36:45 AM PST by EarthBound (Ex Deo,gratia. Ex astris,scientia (Fred/Duncan - dream team))
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To: SomeReasonableDude

read later


3 posted on 11/28/2007 11:38:36 AM PST by LiteKeeper (Beware the secularization of America; the Islamization of Eurabia)
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To: SomeReasonableDude

-bflr-


4 posted on 11/28/2007 11:38:54 AM PST by rellimpank (--don't believe anything the MSM tells you about firearms or explosives--NRA Benefactor)
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To: SomeReasonableDude

This really shouldn’t be in news. Its not that respectful of the bible so its not really religion- it’s blogger/personal at best.


5 posted on 11/28/2007 11:42:03 AM PST by gondramB (Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words.)
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To: SomeReasonableDude
I can't believe they didn't mention Ezekiel 25:17...

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."

6 posted on 11/28/2007 11:42:32 AM PST by dfwgator
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To: SomeReasonableDude

David Wong is the best, and is head and shoulders above most on Cracked.com. The man doesn’t have a mean bone in his body (whereas Cracked has a fair amount of ugly stuff on it)

I thoroughly recommend his home site at http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/ - with the warning that it’s for mature readers only.


7 posted on 11/28/2007 11:46:15 AM PST by agere_contra (Do not confuse the wealth of nations with the wealth of government - FDT)
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To: SomeReasonableDude
It’s sacrilegious, imho.
8 posted on 11/28/2007 11:46:30 AM PST by trisham (Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.)
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To: SomeReasonableDude

I must admit, though funny in Jr. High way, I found much of the humor here one of superiority-of-us verses those in bible days and frankly it revels in vulgarity and lewdness. Especially the cartoon saying “Don’t F**k with God!” is incredibly offensive to Christians, because its so disrespectful to God.

This isn’t some ancient fantasy religion we’re talking about, rather the bible is a compilation of real events and real persons—even if some of the events are hard to understand. Moses’ murder of an Egyptian, and Israel’s lewd behavior were sins to be mourned over, not stuff to make fun of.

This sounds like material written by atheists or agnostics—people who have no fear of the real God, because they don’t know Him.


9 posted on 11/28/2007 11:47:10 AM PST by AnalogReigns
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To: SomeReasonableDude

Ho! Ho! Ho! This poster is my kind of scum!


10 posted on 11/28/2007 11:49:33 AM PST by sinanju
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To: Gamecock; Dr. Eckleburg; HarleyD; Frumanchu; topcat54
Now this is some funny stuff...
Quote from: 1 Kings 18:24,38-40

That is how they used to do religious debates back in the day.

The situation was that people of Israel had taken to Baal worship, a faith that added a lot of whores to its rituals and thus gained immediate popularity. Elijah (not the one with the bears, that was Elisha) decided that the people had to choose between Baal and God.

Rather than write a series of books or give a bunch of boring speeches, Elijah invited 450 Baal prophets to a contest, where both sides would set up an animal sacrifice. Whichever God could rain down fire on its sacrifice would be the one everybody worshiped.

It's brilliant in its simplicity, and we're surprised religious debates were ever carried out any other way after that. You can raise all the intellectual challenges you want about faith and the origins of the universe, but at the end of the day, you have to worship the god who can set you on fire. It's common sense.

We like to think Elijah stood in front of the howling column of heavenly fire, straightened his robes, turned to the crowd and said, "Thus, my opponent's argument falls." Then, he finished the debate in the way that all debates should be finished: by having the losers slaughtered.


11 posted on 11/28/2007 11:50:12 AM PST by Alex Murphy ("Therefore the prudent keep silent at that time, for it is an evil time." - Amos 5:13)
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To: SomeReasonableDude

Some Religion of Peace-style verses there. At least, modern Christians and Jews are wise enough to ignore certain problematic passages rather than taking them as verbatim models for present-day behavior, as too many Muslims do with the Koran.


12 posted on 11/28/2007 11:57:55 AM PST by Mr. Jeeves ("Wise men don't need to debate; men who need to debate are not wise." -- Tao Te Ching)
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To: SomeReasonableDude

You shouls have seen MAD magazine’s take off on the ten Commandments (not the movie) about 40 years ago!


13 posted on 11/28/2007 12:10:44 PM PST by Ruy Dias de Bivar
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To: SomeReasonableDude

In tears at the “don’t grab the junk rule”. LMAO!


14 posted on 11/28/2007 12:17:48 PM PST by American_Centurion (No, I don't trust the government to automatically do the right thing.)
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To: SomeReasonableDude
Bwahahahahahaha

*breath*

bwahahahahahahaha


15 posted on 11/28/2007 12:53:22 PM PST by BJClinton (Don't taze me, bro!)
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To: al baby; Auntbee; BJClinton; Dashing Dasher; dfwddr; exile; feinswinesuksass; Finger Monkey; ...
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket TaЯd ping!

"Tard" refers to the ping list members and not to the subject of the thread.

List of Ping Lists

16 posted on 11/28/2007 12:59:36 PM PST by EveningStar ("Hillary Clinton is Hugo Chavez in a pantsuit" - P. J. O'Rourke)
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To: dfwgator

Well, Tarantino and Bender took liberties with that verse. Basically, the only portion you will find in the bible is the last sentence: “And you will know I am the lord, when I lay my vengeance on thee.” The rest of the monologue is largely Tarantino and Bender.


17 posted on 11/28/2007 1:03:46 PM PST by Clemenza (Rudy Giuliani, like Pesto and Seattle, belongs in the scrap heap of '90s Culture)
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To: Clemenza; dfwgator; Bender2
Well, Tarantino and Bender took liberties with that verse

Let's ask Bender.

18 posted on 11/28/2007 1:26:07 PM PST by Larry Lucido (Hunter 2008)
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To: Larry Lucido; Clemenza; dfwgator; big'ol_freeper; steveegg; MRadtke; Extremely Extreme Extremist; ..
Re: Well, Tarantino and Bender took liberties with that verse
Let's ask Bender.

Quentin, Quentin, Quentin! That little punk... is always taking credit for my work!

What I actually said in my off New New Broadway Play, "Bad Ass Bots"... was: "The path of the righteous robot is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil mankind. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother bot's keeper and the finder of lost cash. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother bots. And you will know my name is Bender when I lay my vengeance upon thee. Now, bend down and kiss my shiny metal ass!"

Tarantino stole it... and gave it to Sam Jackson's Jules for Pulp Fiction while promising me some net gross points--

Yet with Hollywood screwy accounting... what's a bot to do?

Actually the Bible Verse I like the best... is from one of my all time favorite John Wayne films, Trouble Along the Way, where Charles Coburn's character, Father Matthew William Burke, says, "You'll find the answer in Deuteronomy, Chapter 32, Verse 15." The other priests look at one another and Father Burke adds, "Well, well? Is there a Bible in the house, or do you have to go to a hotel?:

BTW Deuteronomy, Chapter 32, Verse 15: "But Jeshurun waxed fat, and kicked..."

Somehow, I find comfort in that for my Cowboys... as they battle them Green and Yellow Packers tomorrow night!

How 'bout... them Cowboys!

And since this is a Bible thread... and I don't want any outside influences, I have to tell the truth and yes---

I do have a cheesehat... ready to wear for a week if the Pack should somehow luck into a win!

19 posted on 11/28/2007 2:17:15 PM PST by Bender2 ("I've got a twisted sense of humor, and everything amuses me." RAH Beyond this Horizon)
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To: SomeReasonableDude; Gamecock; Dr. Eckleburg; Frumanchu; topcat54
I hate to be a stick-in-the-mud but this author may also want to consider this as part of his "badass" Bible verses:

Would anyone honestly take this article to their Bible school class?
20 posted on 11/28/2007 3:17:52 PM PST by HarleyD
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To: dfwgator

I LOVE that scene. As theology goes, it’s almost as good as “Unforgiven.”


21 posted on 11/28/2007 5:03:36 PM PST by Dr. Eckleburg ("I don't think they want my respect; I think they want my submission." - Flemming Rose)
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To: dfwgator

My favorite movie.


22 posted on 11/28/2007 7:50:04 PM PST by Hebrews 11:6 (Do you REALLY believe that (1) God is, and (2) God is good?)
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To: SomeReasonableDude
You're gonna have a lot of folks here who fail to see the humor in this.

Me? I've got tears of laughter running down my face! I'm reading this at work and everyone's asking me what's so funny?

23 posted on 11/28/2007 7:57:39 PM PST by Drew68
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To: Dr. Eckleburg

Curious “Unforgiven”?

And pulp fiction though not in Scripture, did seem to catch some of the ideas in Ezekiel, meaning the Lord was tired of it and meant to clean house and YOU WILL KNOW THAT MY NAME IS THE LORD....


24 posted on 11/29/2007 6:19:52 PM PST by padre35 (Conservative in Exile/ Isaiah 3.3)
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To: padre35
"Unforgiven" was a great movie about God's terrible swift sword.

"Deserves got nothing to do with it."

The epilogue which told us William Muny retired with his children and lived to a ripe old age after opening a dry cleaning business is poetry.

None of us knows another's heart, and "we all got it coming."

25 posted on 11/29/2007 6:57:18 PM PST by Dr. Eckleburg ("I don't think they want my respect; I think they want my submission." - Flemming Rose)
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To: Drew68

So you really want to know some baddass verses....

26 posted on 11/29/2007 7:27:37 PM PST by Cvengr (Every believer is a grenade. Arrogance is the grenade pin. Pull the pin and fragment your life.)
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To: Larry Lucido; Bender2
LOL. I was asking for that!

I should of specified that I was referring to Bender Rodriguez's cousin, Lawrence Bender. ;-)

27 posted on 11/29/2007 7:31:10 PM PST by Clemenza (Rudy Giuliani, like Pesto and Seattle, belongs in the scrap heap of '90s Culture)
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To: Cvengr

“Hey, Pat. This is God. I want you to run for president! Oh, and I want you to go out and check your tire pressure!”


28 posted on 11/29/2007 7:34:33 PM PST by Larry Lucido (Hunter 2008)
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To: Larry Lucido; Clemenza; Bender2

A clip of the Great One himself.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=hwbt_mcs1j0


29 posted on 11/29/2007 7:39:40 PM PST by Larry Lucido (Hunter 2008)
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To: Larry Lucido

Thanks. I had the pleasure of seeing Sam live shortly before he left us. I was accompanied by my parents no less.


30 posted on 11/29/2007 7:42:30 PM PST by Clemenza (Rudy Giuliani, like Pesto and Seattle, belongs in the scrap heap of '90s Culture)
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To: SomeReasonableDude
From the same site, I found this interesting:

http://www.cracked.com/article_15663_god-fuse-10-things-christians-atheists-can-agree-on.html

31 posted on 11/29/2007 9:39:29 PM PST by Darkwolf377 (...sigh...)
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To: padre35; Dr. Eckleburg
"Ezekiel, meaning the Lord was tired of it and meant to clean house and YOU WILL KNOW THAT MY NAME IS THE LORD...."

Thos should give all of us pause:

Ezekiel 9:4-7, "And the LORD said unto him, Go through the midst of the city, through the midst of Jerusalem, and set a mark upon the foreheads of the men that sigh and that cry for all the abominations that be done in the midst thereof. with the destruction of the rest And to the others he said in mine hearing, Go ye after him through the city, and smite: let not your eye spare, neither have ye pity: Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark; and begin at my sanctuary. Then they began at the ancient men (the Elders) which were before the house. And he said unto them, Defile the house, and fill the courts with the slain: go ye forth. And they went forth, and slew in the city."

32 posted on 11/30/2007 7:25:25 AM PST by blue-duncan
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To: AnalogReigns

I find it hard to take your otherwise well written post seriously (given the content and message) when I consider you didn’t even give basic literature etiquet to the Bible and capitalize the first letter.

I think showing Moses killing a guard wasn’t something to mourn, b/c the story goes on to show that God can still work with a man *even a murderer* to accomplish His Will.


33 posted on 11/30/2007 4:53:31 PM PST by MacDorcha (We have been at war with this mindset since before the Socratic method was borne.)
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To: HarleyD

“Would anyone honestly take this article to their Bible school class?”

The short answer? “Yes”

But that’s because I like my Faith with a little scrutiny.

Keeps me honest.


34 posted on 11/30/2007 5:04:22 PM PST by MacDorcha (We have been at war with this mindset since before the Socratic method was borne.)
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To: dfwgator
I can't believe they didn't mention Ezekiel 25:17...

I'm a unassuming conservative white guy...
but I still don't understand a "Best Actor" Oscar nomination for
John Travolta...
and "Best Supporting Actor" Oscar nomination for Samuel L. Jackson.

Those two nominations should have been switched round the other way.

Something really went wrong over at the Academy!
35 posted on 11/30/2007 5:16:10 PM PST by VOA
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We like to think Elijah stood in front of the howling column of heavenly fire, straightened his robes, turned to the crowd and said, "Thus, my opponent's argument falls." Then, he finished the debate in the way that all debates should be finished: by having the losers slaughtered.

Ping!

36 posted on 12/16/2009 12:04:00 PM PST by Alex Murphy ("Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - Job 13:15)
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