Posted on 05/30/2014 7:00:51 AM PDT by Gamecock
As a pastor who regularly performs weddings, I can tell that some couples are more likely to divorce than others. It’s not most evident in pre-marital counseling or private comments made before the service. I can’t see it as the vows are said or rings exchanged. It’s not even in the kiss. As a pastor, I can predict the likelihood of divorce based on how the wedding cake is exchanged. I’ve been performing wedding ceremonies since I was 18. One of the first ceremonies I performed was pretty routine. Everything went without a hitch until it came time for the cake exchange. What began as a playful moment turned ugly. He pushed it into her face; she pushed it harder into his; and he forced her to the ground. The crowd laughed; I was shocked; and a few weeks later they were divorced. So began my interest in watching how the traditional exchange of wedding cake is played out. (See: The Number One Cause of Divorce) The wedding cake moment gives a glimpse into the relationship in a way that few other events can. The couple is nervous because of the occasion and crowd—nerves often exploit the worst of us. The cake comes at the end of a long experience so any pretending which has been taking place is less likely to occur as time goes on. The moment requires the couple to do something which is not a normal activity. All of these circumstances create a unique moment to answer one question: which is more important, the relationship or one spouse’s reputation? While most cake exchanges are cute, playful, gentle, and respectful, some of them get ugly. Here are the signs of a marriage in trouble based on the cake exchange:
Force. Gentleness is a trait of a healthy marriage. Specifically, men need to be gentle with their wives. Our strength is to be used for the wellbeing of our spouses, not to their determinate. When someone uses an extreme amount of force when they are happy and in public, it makes me wonder what they are willing to do when they are angry and in private.
Revenge. The cake exchange is supposed to have a bit of “gotcha” in it. You get me; I get you. However, some individuals ratchet up the revenge. They don’t just get even, they make sure their “get back” is better. This might be meaningless with cake, but it is fatal in fights. This trait will cause every disagreement to turn into a nightmare of a battle. A spouse who does this can never have a small fight. Every word spoken to them will be returned with a harsher word. Every assumed slight will lead to a greater slight directed back toward the spouse.
Pride. If you can’t lose, you might as well not get married. Every married person is going to have to lose on occasion. Sometimes you will lose because you are wrong and sometimes you will lose because you care more about the relationship than the argument. Some people can’t lose—even when it comes to the cake exchange. If they have to be the victor at the expense of their spouse, they might win the cake but they will lose the marriage. If a person isn’t humble enough to have a little cake on their nose in a happy moment, they will never have the humility to submit to their spouse during a tough time. (See: Pride–The Only Enemy of Marriage)
Contempt. It is shocking to me how often an apparent disdain for a spouse is revealed moments after committing their lives solely to one another. It is one thing to get a playful laugh, but it is something far different to completely disrespect your spouse’s personhood in order to look victorious at feeding each other cake.
These are the negative aspects of cake exchanges gone bad. Here is what a cake exchange should reveal:
Playfulness. If a couple can’t have fun WITH each other (not at the expense of each other) what’s the point of getting married. Feeding each other cake is an odd tradition, but one that should be defined by lighthearted fun. (See: One Sign of a Healthy Marriage)
Respect. Healthy marriages are built on mutual respect. No matter the setting or circumstance, spouses should always respect the dignity and well-being of their spouse. Even if an action will get a good laugh, a wise person will never exploit their spouse in order to get the laugh. (See: Respect–A Necessary Ingredient For a Successful Marriage)
Love. It seems obvious, but the next time you attend a wedding and watch the cake exchange, ask a simple question: “was that done in a loving way?” You will be shocked at how often it is not loving. If the cake exchange isn’t executed with love, the couple will have little chance of navigating the difficult issues of marriage with love.
It’s a funny habit—to watch newlyweds exchange cake wondering what I can decipher about their relationship—but one that has been sadly accurate over the years. Next time you are at a wedding watch and see. Of course if the bride hits the floor as the groom laughs, take back your wedding gift, because the couple will likely be divorced within the year. What other common situations reveal the true character of a relationship? For more, see: The Warning Sign of a Bad Marriage You Might Miss
determinate?
You share a lot.
That being said earlier this week we celebrated our 26th anniversary. What did we do? She wanted to go out and eat at a dumpy little Mexican restaurant that has absolutely delicious food that rivals any Tex-Mex restaurant in South Texas, which is where we met and were later married. We couldn't have had a better time at a 5-Star restaurant.
When my eldest brother married, they had a cake and there are several photos of the moment when they "fed" each other a piece of cake. My sister-in-law took a piece, which ended up being almost totally frosting. My brother got a photo of himself with a mouthful of frosting, weighing his piece of cake with a look on his face that was priceless. He did NOT, however, shove the cake in her face. They were laughing and he fed her, her piece of cake normally.
They had their ups and downs; but, they were married for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, they were both killed in an auto accident some years ago.
Really? Since when? This is your wedding day, you have just married the person that you say you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Smashing a piece of your wedding cake into their face is not in keeping with the event.
I find the whole thing an example of the lack of maturity in the younger generation. Needing a "gotcha" moment on your wedding day? Really? Grow up. You can be "playful" without insulting your new spouse.
THis guy is right......it’s CRINGE WORTHY when they smash cake in each other’s faces.....it’s actually disgusting. At what other times do you smash each other in the face?
That’s a thoughtful blog. Thanks for the link.
My wife and I dug out our wedding video a few months ago, on our anniversary. I'd forgotten that we got some jeers at that moment, too - and by a lot of the older folks present! WTF?!
That video is a DVD dub from VHS - we were married in 1987. I've never understood the "custom" of smearing wedding cake on one's newly-minted spouse. A dot of icing on the nose is probably harmless, but some of the examples I've seen are as foreboding as the article suggests.
“My exchange with my ex was gentle and respectful. How did that predict she’d have an affair with my son’s tae kwon do instructor?”
Well, it’s not an *exact* science. And my sympathies.
That one was pretty funny!
I let a couple know at intake a number of conditions that must be met for me even to consider conducting their wedding. One of those is the wedding cake. I will not go forward, I say, unless they agree there will be no “cake face”. I don’t apologize. I don’t soft sell it. I just tell them that’s the standard, that I find the rubbing of cake in someone’s face or hair so disgusting and contemptuous that they will commit not to do that, or any hope of a wedding in a church that I pastor is out the door.
And I will NOT sign the solemnization paperwork until after the reception. Blast away. I don’t care. They can go to the justice of the peace.
My first husband did it to me without warning. Horrible marriage. Current husband and I agreed it is not a pleasant practice, and we shared bites respectfully.
Anyone ever walk?
Interesting observations. I think these couples are fortunate to have a Pastor who understands human nature so well.
You must have got married close to when I did. We also agreed not to smash the cake in each others’ faces. We didn’t, and we’re still married (4 kids) 22 years later.
Same here. There have been some rough patches, but 28 years and we are still going strong.
We never know how long God will give us on this green earth. Another reason to treat with respect the people who matter most in our lives and save the hi-jinks for those who do not.
As I always told my kids: Don't be a liberal who bites the hand which feeds them and licks the boot which kicks them.
It’s the ole’ gratification-from-the-misfortune-of-others schtick. The quintessential low-life moral.
***There have been some rough patches***
Bingo.
And the underlying issues the above article tend to be exacerbated during rough patches. Times get tough, that brings out the worst in people and poof! There goes the marriage.
They can also bring out the very best. Years ago I was taking night classes and working full time. I got laid off just as a new semester was about to begin. The very first thing my wife said was "Great now you can go to school full time and be done that much quicker"
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