THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

CookingWithCarlo.com ^ | June 6 2005 | Unknown

[jellybean]

Excerpted from a trial transcript and quoted in "The Point of View," published by the Alameda county District Attorney's office...

ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

PATHOLOGIST: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?

PATHOLOGIST: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

PATHOLOGIST: No.

ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

PATHOLOGIST: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

[jellybean]

If you've ever called a Chinese restaurant you should understand this with no problem...


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes means"

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome"

[TheSpottedOwl]

OMG, I'm a redneck!

This one didn't make the list so I'll add it for you...

When you know the best time to shop for furniture and clothes is the last evening of a holiday weekend...in back of the Goodwill store.

[MeneMeneTekelUpharsin]

Comic bump for later read (and use).

[SpyktRose]

A woman went to her doctor, complaining of chest pains. In the exam room, he asked her to remove her bra. She did, and he was astonished to see that her breasts reached the floor.
"My husband likes to play with my breasts during love making," the woman explained.
"Well, I like to play with my wife's breasts during love making too, but they don't look like THAT!" replied the doctor.
"Do you have bunk beds?"

[jslade]

bttt

[TheSpottedOwl]

Lol, it's starting to get that way here in the states!

[jellybean]

That begs the obvious question...How long.....

.

...have they been sleeping in bunk beds????

[SpyktRose]

A man walk into a bar and is surprised to see a horse pouring drinks. The horse notices the man's surprise and asks if there is something wrong.
"Oh, no," says the man, "It's just that the giraffe ususally works on Tuesdays."

[Radioactive]

Monica Lewinski thought that Bill Clinton when he retired would become a dentist.

He once told her that she had the whitest teeth he's ever come across.

[Victoria Delsoul]

Oh gosh, after over 600 rednecks quotes, what do you expect?

OK, this is me when I was little.

[Ichneumon]

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A baby seal walks into a club...

[Sunshine55]

Copying this and tacking it up in my cubicle right now :)

[aruanan]

I've wanted to ask many times, "Are you naturally gratuitously insulting or did you have to practice a long time?" or "The reason you don't understand what someone's telling you is not because he's a poor communicator but because you don't know enough to understand what he's telling you."

[Lokibob]

bump for later eading.

[Chad Fairbanks]

I've probably used about half of those lines in meetings in the past 4 or 5 weeks...

[muggs]

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Oh how I wish I could say this to my boss but I think I'll keep my mouth shut for now.

[mommybain]

Bump for humor later.

[SpyktRose]

I know it's been almost a week since this thread started, but I needed cheering up.
Joke told by my seven-year-old niece-

Why couldn't the pirate see the movie?
Because it was rated "Arrr".

(BTW, my niece had no idea why we laughed at this.)

And, I didn't see this in this "subject walks into a bar" section.

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve rope here". So the rope walks out, twists himself up, and rolls on the ground.
He walks back into the bar, and the bartender says "Hey, aren't you the rope I just threw out?"
"Nope," he replies, "I'm a frayed knot."