THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

Jellybean made me do it...

Yes I did!!!!! I threatened to post Bad Jokes if he didn't do as I said.....BWAHAHAHAHA

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately, the little rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks him what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label.

It says:

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave."

A clear conscience is often the sign of a bad memory.

A day without sunshine is like a night.

A fool and his money are... Hey! Where's my wallet?!!

A good name is more desireable than great riches...

A good pun is its own reword.

Tried to play my shoehorn - all I got was footnotes.

Two things I hate: People that can't count.

Vulcan DOS: Illogical command or file name.

Wastebasket: Something to throw things near.

We must believe in free will. We have no choice.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

OXYMORON : Civil war

OXYMORON : College Education

OXYMORON : Down elevator

Biplane: The last word a pilot says before bailing out!

Press all keys at once to continue...

I was on vacation in the Outer Banks a few years ago, and read these on the pages of the karaoke bar. I wrote them all down. I'll try not to repeat things that were already posted-

*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
~Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
*Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.
~Passionate kiss like spider's web; soon lead to undoing of fly.
*Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
~All generalizations are false.
*Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
~I brake for no apparent reason.
*Lottery: a tax for people who are bad at math.
~It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!
*Auntie Em-
Hate you, hate Kansas. Taking the dog.
-Dorothy
*Forget the Jones- I keep us up with the Simpsons.
~Born free, taxed to death.
*The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
~I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
*I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
~If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
*When you do a good deed, get a receipt, just in case Heaven's like the IRS.
~I intend to live forever- so far, so good.
*So you're a feminist...isn't that precious?
~See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
*I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
~Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
*A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
~The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
*The trouble with life is there's no background music.
~I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
*Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
~On the other hand, you have different fingers.
*Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.
~To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question...or is it?
*Save the whales. Collect the whole set!
~Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
*The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
~Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damn near impossible.
*What happens if you get scared half to death twice.
~When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
*Macho law forbides me from admitting I'm wrong.
~I plead contemporary insanity.
*A snail can sleep for 3 years. (So could I, if people would stop bothering me.)
~It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

And some of these-
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
AMNESIA: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
SUBURBIA: Where they tear out trees and then name streets after them.

And-
Label instructions printed on bottom of Tesco's Tiramiso dessert- Do not turn upside down.
Lable instruction printed on Boot's Children's cough syrup- Do not operate machinery or drive.
Label instuctions on a hotel-provided shower cap box-Fits one head.

LOL... those are FUNNY!!

Here are a few more I'd be embarrassed to post if I had any scruples ;)

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,"I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." " What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

This one will make you laugh uproariously!!!

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says,"I'm off.The government man should be here soon."Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell................

Ms Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to.....

Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."

Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spreadout."

Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"

Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Ms Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions.People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her.By that time darkness was approac- hing and I began to rush my shots. When the squirr- els began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work.I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting.

Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My god, she's fainted!

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