Posted on 12/05/2004 8:31:45 AM PST by nuconvert
Who named these guys Wise Men?
DAVE BARRY
Christmastime is a festive time -- a time of parties and presents and songs that we all love, except for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, which I for one got tired of in approximately 1958, and which now causes me to dislocate my forefinger stabbing the car-radio button. I prefer traditional Christmas carols, such as Ding Dong Merrily on High. I am not making this carol up. The lyrics are:
''Ding dong merrily on high!''
(Something something something)
I don't know the rest, because I never got past the first line without cracking up. This song used to absolutely slay me and my boyhood friends when we sang it in St. Stephen's Episcopal Church in Armonk, N.Y. And no wonder: It is a well-known axiom of music, discovered in 1783 by Mozart (this was Herb Mozart), that 'there is no such thing as a bad song that has 'ding dong' in the title.'' Other examples are Ding Dong the Witch is Dead and Shama Lama Ding Dong, which is not to be confused with Rama Lama Ding Dong, also an excellent song.
But getting back to Christmas: My point is that, although this is a festive time of year, it can also be a difficult and stressful time for a certain group -- a group whose needs, all too often, are overlooked in our society. That group is: men.
Why is the Christmas season so hard on men? There are many complex reasons, by which I mean: women.
This problem dates back to the very first Christmas. We know from the Bible that the Wise Men showed up in Bethlehem and gave the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Now, gold is always a nice gift, but frankincense and myrrh -- at least according to my dictionary -- are gum resins. Who gives gum resins to a baby?
The answer is: men. The Wise Men, being men, didn't even START shopping for gifts until the last minute, when most of the stores in the greater Bethlehem area were closed for Christmas Eve. The only place still open was Big Stu's House of Myrrh.
So the Wise Men showed up at the manger, handed their baby gifts to Mary, and headed for the eggnog. Mary looked at the gifts -- which were not wrapped, nor were they accompanied by cards -- rolled her eyes, tossed the gum resins to the goats (which ate them) and said: ''Next Christmas, we are going to have some gift-giving RULES.'' But the Wise Men didn't hear her, because by then they were over by the crib trying to teach the Baby Jesus to pull their finger.
This is basically how things stand today. At this point in the Christmas season, your standard woman has already purchased and wrapped thoughtful gifts for approximately 600 people, including her children, her relatives, her friends, her husband's relatives, her co-workers, the children of her friends, relatives of children of her friends, coworkers of friends of her relatives, husbands of her coworkers' relatives' friends, etc. She has also purchased several thoughtful gifts for nobody in particular, so she will not be in the horrifying position of receiving a gift from somebody for whom she does not have a retaliation gift.
In contrast, your standard man, at this point in the Christmas season, has purchased zero gifts. He has not yet gotten around to purchasing an acceptable gift for his wife for LAST Christmas. He did give her something last year, but he could tell by her reaction to it that she had not been dreaming of getting an auto emergency kit, even though it was the deluxe model with booster cables AND an air compressor. Clearly this gift violated an important rule, but the man had no idea what this rule was, and his wife was too upset to tell him.
And now ANOTHER Christmas is looming, and this man, terrified that he will screw up again, has been wracking his brain for gift ideas for his wife. Nothing automotive this time: He won't make THAT mistake again! He's thinking Weed Whacker.
But he's not sure. He's a nervous wreck. A lot of us men are. That's why we buy gifts at the very last minute, or, optionally, never. It's not that we're thoughtless jerks!
Well, OK, thoughtless. But not jerks! We're doing our best to get through a stressful season. So on behalf of all men, I ask all you women to cut us some slack; and accept us for the imperfect beings that we are compared to you; and above all, in the spirit of another great Christmas carol, bring us some figgy pudding.
Hey, I got dumped for getting a woman that exact gift.
Coincidence...?
See, I don't get it that women react that way to a useful gift. BTW, I am female, a wife of almost thirty years, and to the same wonderful, gift-challenged guy. Some years ago he seriously presented me with an auto emergency kit, and I accepted it as a token of his concern for my safety. Since then we have agreed not to give each other gifts, and he buys himself electronic computer accessories and I buy myself occasional, inexpensive pieces of jewelry.
Why demand a manly man for a husband and then want him to act like a woman?
LOL! Thanks for the Sunday levity, n.
Years ago my roommate in college "just knew" she was getting a rabbit sweater (don't ask me why) from her boyfriend for Christmas. She planned what she'd accessorize it with and the parties she'd wear it to and how great she'd look in photos with her boyfriend and her beautiful new sweater...
Christmas Day she unwrapped a hair drier.
They broke up the following Tuesday.
I have my reasons for this, since I am among these numbers, I am responsible for paying the bills in the house. Gas, electric, water, sewer, cable, internet, garbage, most of the groceries, dog, cat, etc.... These are more important at this time.
Christmas shopping will occur at the last minute again due to lack of funds.
Offended by the piece? Heck no, Dave Barry is hilarious. Although I do grow tired of the general "man bashing" that happens regularly in advertising.
Could have been worse....could have been a socket set. Lol.
Something to do with small feet? 8~)
NOTE to All GIRLS: We're NOT Girls. We don't THINK like Girls. We're practical (film at 11)
I recently bought my girlfriend a military-style engineering compass (and a better one than the one I own). She not only brags about it, she wants to go 4 wheeling so she can brush up on her orienteering and topo map-reading skills. Eat yer hearts out, guys...
Ahhhh....a woman after my own heart. You could give lessons in "getting along" to your cistern.
(brothers=brethren, sisters=cistern)
It is no surprise to me that you managed to stay married for 30 years.
It took me a long time and marriage and sons to undo the misinformation ladled out by the "women's movement" to really understand that:
My advice to all mothers -- boys should be boys and girls should be girls. Everyone will be happier.
Revolutionary, I know. But I hang out with a wild crowd.
Proud as a peacock!
Yes, why bother with tomorrow, it might rain. I still have a few weeks to buy for friends.
It would be showing too much of how they REALLY felt.(in some cases)
Maybe he wasn't so dumb after all. This could make a great dating tip - if you want out of a relationship, keep buying her cleaning and cooking equipment as gifts.
I actually laughed out loud on some of this, E. I printed it out AND put it in my digital file...both.
You've sent me a real champion in this one.
And I mean it...which I usually do with you. :>)
Bumping for anyone who wants to laugh..........
THREE WISE MEN...Give me a break
Winner!!
I dunno! I gave up trying to figure you gals out years ago and just plow merrily ahead in my manly, male fashion and buy what I think is a good gift for my wife.
My wife cannot stand waiting until christmas and is always giving me 20 questions a day on what I got her. When we first were married,her first question was "Is it bigger than a bread box?" On our 4th Christmas, I gave her a bread box. Another Christmas, I bought her a set of emarald earrings, put them in a big box that the 32" TV came in and weighted it down with 4 bricks. I thought she was gonna cream me with one of the bricks when she found the earring case.
Nah, the terror sets in about the 22nd or 23rd.
Thanks for posting Dave Barry. Christmas is so much more than frenzied shopping. It's giving to those around you symbols of your affection. I love it when 'hints' are dropped as I can always come up with a surprise.
I was just thinking how nice it would be if we could bring our troops home for a few weeks to be with their families. And we could post signs saying "If you mess things up while we're gone, we're gonna be really p*ssed when we get back!"
Although I could be taking a chance with the "bread box" reference. I'm never sure what will pique his interest. 8~)
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