Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
No, we all went to Catholic grade school - at that time in the 60s it only cost about $50 a year! Ha! High school was split between public and private schools depending on whether or not a scholarship was available. College, I and my sibs were kinda on our own although my parents helped out as much as possible. I have three children of my own now, and all my brothers and sister save one who is still single at 40 do too, but none have more than three. As I said those big families are more and more rare. But when I was growing up, there were several families in our church with 12 kids, and lots in the seven-to-ten range. Honestly when I look back on it, I don't know how my parents managed it: not having the nine kids I mean, but the economics and logistics of it!
I suspect that those who apply the "selfish" label are those who love and cherish their kids and are probably better than average at raising them. Kids seem natural for them, like breathing.
What they don't realize is that some people are emotionally, intellectually or psychologically singularly unsuited for parenthood.
No, we should abolish Social Security and have children according to our desires for familial idylls...or whatever. But, from a strictly logical point of view, if a community declines into a negative birth rate, it eventually disappears, whether the elders depend on Social Security or not.
But, SS isn't going away, and the elderly will want their just dues that they paid into SS...and it won't be there if the don't have children AND are opposed to open borders. THAT's the not-immediately-clear point I was trying to make.
the reporting writes pro-homosexual articles.
No surprise he would promote children are not part of marriage.
Had a 1963 Volvo 544 for awhile. :(
My children may not give a rat's ass about me when I am old ... but I will love them! That is why I decided to raise children. No better use of my life, imho.
There's a difference between kids and the infantile. :)
Your points about Asia are well taken. HOwever, many, if not most American elderly do want social security so they don't have to be maintained by their kids. That's why social security reform is such a molotov cocktail with the senior vote.
Heterosexual gays?
Easy--doing without and slave labor can save lots of moola and still get everything done! :-)
Ah, true. You're only a kid once, but you can be immature forever. :-)
Ah ha!!!! (just joking) Even if you aren't 'kid people', there are plenty of opportunities to be spiritual parents and helpers to people with children of their own.
I know! I was piggybacking my question on yours. I guess I shouldn't have replied to you and quoted your question before posing mine, I should have replied to the first post and then quoted your question and added mine.
I coached a junior bicycle racing team, of whom 80% of the riders won medals at the state level.
Yes, but I'm also reminded of the little old lady who was still working as a receptionist at age 75 at a former place of employment of mine....the only reason she worked was to financially support her deadbeat daughter and the daughter's children. I think some of the "best" parents are the ones who choose not to have children because--due to a career, for instance--they know they wouldn't be able to devote 110% of their attention to the children if they had them. I can kind of relate because, although I'm an empty nester now, several of my friends who waited until now to have babies are drifting away--all they talk about at parties, is ovulation and morning sickness (I can kind of understand, since having children is such an all-consuming thing, but I occasionally feel left out nonetheless).
I want to take part in this discussion somehow, but I don't like the tone of these childless people in this article that think they are somehow special or left out of life and need a support group. It's just one of many choices in life, and whether you are the odd-man out because of your child-status depends on the age and your circle of friends.
My new husband and I are in no hurry to have children. We like children, but aren't sure right now that we should have them now... we married late, I am the 'she' and I am 37. We have much we'd like to do in life, for the next year or two we'd like to spend our summers horseback riding and for now, children would interfere with much of it. It's more complicated than that, certainly, but we just aren't drawn to parenthood, and don't know if we ever will be.
My best childhood friend, same age, just had her first baby. In our circle of friends, she is more the odd man out right now if anyone, because most of our friends with children did babies years ago and theirs are half-grown. I can see that for the next several years, we may not have a lot in common. But most of my other friendships adapted to new children, and if this one also can, it will.
Good for you! I think those couples that wish to have children should have as many as they can care for. I think those that don't want children should be just as free not to have them.
I think people who resent or are angered over either decision have some deep seated issues that they need to resolve.
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