Most awful movies (in celebration of Hollywood's fourth declining revenue year in a row)

9/28/05 | ltn72

[pabianice]

Movie theater revenues are down 10% in the past three years because of home video technology and because movie quality has objectively continued to decline. We Freepers occasionally review a movie here for fun and to warn others not to waste their money.

So, for a change of pace, let's discuss really bad movies we've seen for one reason or another. I propose three classes of bad movie:

Class 1. A bad movie you sit through because of peer pressure

Class 2. A really bad movie you force yourself to watch because, darn it, you paid for it!

Class 3. Horrifyingly bad movies you simply leave, dragging yourself up the aisle with your arms because your legs have gone numb from shock.

Examples:

Class 1: "The Incredible Lightness of Being" -- stupifyingly bad writing and performances, polished off by a plot involving a serial adulterer physician ruining the lives of all around him for his own sexual gratification – won numerous awards in Europe

Class 2: "The Strawberry Statement" -- I still remember the poster: "The Vibes Were Good, but the Times Were Bad" -- horrifyingly bad performances around a story of beautiful, gentle hippies going to college in San Francisco and lovingly protesting the Vietnam War, only to have the experience ruined by Cylon-like police in riot gear gassing and clubbing them to death during a sit-in for peace; also includes some of the worst dehumanization of women ever portrayed on the screen

"Coming Home" -- what can you say about a movie with Jane Fonda that tells the tale of a maimed vet coming home from the Illegal Vietnam War on Terror to win the heart of a military officer's wife who realizes that her Marine husband is actually a monster (who's also lousy in bed, of course) and so leaves him for the maimed (but good in bed despite the loss of most of his appendages) and virtuous war-protesting vet; movie ends with Marine drowning self by walking into the ocean to atone for his evil acts of national defense

“War of the Worlds” (2005) – This is one big mess of a movie; Aliens have already visited Earth in the distant past to leave their Tripods but then wait until we have atomic weapons and armies before they decide to come back and wipe us out; they arrive at nearly the speed of light in capsules that burrow underground and would be instantly vaporized by the impact; they need human blood to fertilize their Martian Kudzu (“Soilent Red is People!”); it never occurs to the Martians that they need to get flu shots before invading another planet; as the aliens sicken, they conveniently lower their shields so as to be suddenly defenseless against anti-tank rockets; the list is almost endless; the 1954 movie was far superior

"Getting Straight" -- yet another Vietnam vet comes home to attend college and is faced with a school faculty who are all repressed homosexuals and psychotics who determine to drive him out of college; he's saved by heroine who encourages him to Stiock it To the Man!; story ends with the vet kissing his male teacher on the mouth, creating a riot on campus, and then having sex with the heroine on the staircase as the riot and tear gas swill about them in a wonderful collage of color and self-congratulation -- ah!

Class 3: "The Happy Hooker" -- no plot, no production, no acting, but lots of frontal nudity and smashed beds

"Darling" -- critically acclaimed piece of crap about a beautiful, talented, rich woman with the IQ of an end table struggling to make her way in a world of rich men who throw themselves at her feet and take her to fabulous vacation spots

Special Category – What Would Have Been Good Movies But Ruined by One Bad Scene: “A Few Good Men” – Very entertaining story about good and evil in uniform ruined in the courtroom climax, when LTJG Caffee says to the colonel: “I’m a Navy officer, and you are under arrest, you son of a bitch!” Those last five gratuitous words by a screenwriter clueless about the military instantly makes Caffee guilty of disrespect towards a superior officer (a court martial offense) and lower him to Jessup’s level

[mel]

The Constant Gardener was absolutely terrible.

[Woman on Caroline Street]

I LOVE THAT FLICK! My husband and I had that in common when we started to date! He picked it up used a week after we met.

"God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel VERY well."

We make it a point to watch it at least every 6 months.
"Ya ya sure, bring ze brewskies"

Great. Now I gotta watch it again tonight. THanks clemenza. And I'm not even half done with my "V" series box set (teenage crush on Mark Singer) and I have to rewatch Mystery Men. (grown-up crush on William H. Macy)

[ssaftler]

Huckabees was a Class 1 for me. Stuck with it only because I had a relative who played a small part in the flick, and I wanted to see him.

Otherwise, it was a stinkeroo!

[Sloth]

The Blair Witch Project - a thoroughly uninteresting home movie from an unfunded epileptic film school drop-out.

Oh man, forgot that one -- shoulda been in my Class I.

[savedbygrace]

Class 3: Minority Report. After 4 hours, I had to eject the disc. It was only 20 minutes into the movie, but it seemed like 4 hours. Boring, pointless, boring.

[mel]

Alexander was bad indeed. I couldn't figure out Jolie's accent

[CIB-173RDABN]

Class 1: The Big Chill. Not so much peer pressure, but I was about to attend the University of Michigan and I felt it was a responsibility to see it -- the characters are former UM students. Luckily, I saw it on cable.

---

Not all movies are made for all audiences.

This movie was made for those that were about 10 years (plus) out of college, and reflecting on who they were, and what they became. With all due respect, if you were just entering college, you were looking forward still and perhaps not in the mood to reflect on what could have been.

Dealing with a friends death (especially the way this person died) will cause one to think about ones own life.

I enjoyed this movies, but then, it could just be me.

[Protagoras]

This movie sucked in every catagory.

[Syco]

Okay, I'll bite. Who's Leonard-Pith Garnell?

[discostu]

My wife commented when we saw a commercial for 2F2F that the graphics for GTA3 looked better. Never bothered to watch more than the commercial.

[HowlinglyMind-BendingAbsurdity]

A good way to express disapproval of the bad taste, sleaze, and kitsch, is by not attending movies made by Hollyweird liberals who fund the culture of death. While it's a shame that Christians and conservatives, by and large, have not created an alternative to Hollywood, there's no reason to fund the anti-Christian mafia who make tasteless films filled with mediocre acting. American culture is served very poorly by the cultural system of the entertainment industry.

[Ditter]

I DID see the Village, that was my synopsis. I thought it was one of the more stupid plots I have ever had the misfortune to sit through. So tell me what I missed.

[Question_Assumptions]

Class 3: AI (Artificial Intelligence) The worst movie ever made. I've never been so depressed after watching a "movie."

A.I., the movie with four endings, all of them depressing. The audience at the theater I saw it at got up immediately, gave each other "I'll pretend I didn't see that if you do" looks, and silently left the theater. It's was just stunningly awful.

[Woman on Caroline Street]

It was kinda funny (was on TV two days ago - I ended up watching it again), but I concur,they should have just stopped with This is Spinal Tap ("How many times have I told them, Spinal Tap and THEN Puppet Show). Best in Show was pretty funny. Same cast members for the most part. The yuppie couple with the braces had me in tears.

[I still care]

I was just thinking on posting about "Army"!

Movies so bad they are funny. I have the director's cut, but I like the "S-mart" ending much better than the director's cut one.

"First you wanna kill me, then you wanna kiss me. Blow!"

[Sensei Ern]

1. Bridges of Madison County
What a snooze fest! I stayed only because I was with my wife and the row of women behind us made such a big deal at how much I love my wife that I would take her to it, and that I was the only straight guy in the theatre.

I had to keep remarking that Iowa cities don't look like that. Des Moines is a modern city with all of the big city conveniences. She thinks Iowa is just a big mud hole, mainly because of this movie.

I still bring this up when my wife says it's her turn to pick up a movie. "Yes, but I sat through Bridges of Madison County." With that, she concedes to watch the next Jackie Chan movie instead.

2. King Pin
I left the theatre feeling like I needed a shower. That was just an icky movie. (I know "icky" is a girly word, but I cannot find a more appropriate word)

3. Summer of Sam
My wife dragged me to this piece of crap. I knew it was crap, but my wife loves stories about serial killers because of her work in law. I tried to explain it wasn't about the Son of Sam, but she wouldn't listen.

It is a movie supposedly about how others reacted during the time when SoS was on his killing spree. Instead, all I saw was a bunch of sex-crazed racist retards in the NYC area.

There was some inappropriate exposure. Two rows in front of us were three boys, about 12 years old, with no adult with them. I used that as an excuse to get out of the theatre, so i could ask the manager to get the kids out since it was definately inappropriate for their age.

We finally left after my wife had enough of my outrage, especially since they did not remove the kids. We got our money only after I threatened to go to the authorities with the complaint that the theatre allowed under age into the movie.

[Borges]

There's plenty of good films. The bad ones get all the publicity since they are aimed at raunchy teens.

[baltodog]

Woods and Belushi were also in that cool vampire movie...

[Hetty_Fauxvert]

I also liked "Eternal Sunshine." My dh had to practically hogtie me to make me watch it, but I actually liked it quite a bit, as did he. Best thing about that movie was seeing Evil Frodo. :)

[dfwgator]

It was a character played by Dan Ackroyd on Saturday Night Live, who would host a show based on "Bad Art" or "Bad Opera" that would feature the most weird stuff.