Posted on 02/27/2006 10:48:23 AM PST by presidio9
There are 2 billion children running around the planet and five new ones born every second. But don't expect any pink-and-blue congratulations from Adrianne Frost. In fact, the author and comedian would be just as happy if you took every little bugger and muzzled him — on the subway, in stores, in restaurants, churches, parks and, well, everywhere.
Treasonous? Exactly!
"You have every right not to like children who are ill-behaved," says Frost, who puts just about anyone under 3 feet tall in that category. "Just because they're children doesn't mean that it's okay for them to act the way they do. Throughout history, people have said they're a gift from God, but he doesn't have to eat dinner with them."
If it sounds like Frost isn't in the running for the Angelina Jolie mother-of-the-year award, she doesn't apologize. To the contrary, she's the author of the new book, "I Hate Other People's Kids" (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $9.95) and part of a vocal minority that believes children should be not-seen and not-heard. Especially when they're sitting behind you on a plane.
"I come from a place of intense, severe hatred of kids — I have no maternal instincts whatsoever," agrees comedian Jackie Hoffman, who has made child-loathing part of her act. "It's hard to explain to others because there is such a disgusting worship of kids. One of my friends still hates me because I kicked over her kid's stroller at a birthday party — and the kid wasn't even in it."
True, child worship is as old as gold, frankincense and myrrh. But Frost argues that it reached zealot proportions when baby boomers started procreating, treating their pregnancies like the Second Coming and flashing little Baby on Board signs on their cars. Who would dare think saints could misbehave?
"People used to discipline children more," says Hoffman. "But now this revolting love of them rules the world, this tiptoeing around and asking, 'What do you want?'"
What bugs baby-bashers? Frost counts the ways: Kids who throw tantrums in the aisles of Toys "R" Us or poop in the middle of Pizza Hut; kids who think they're brighter than Beethoven or sexier than Britney; kids who insist on singing in the middle of your romantic dinner-for-two or whining in the middle of your dinner party for 20. And all the parents who think they're totally adorable in their badness.
It's not just self-proclaimed loathers who get riled. Take a walk through the Manhattan Mall on any afternoon, and there's no shortage of moms and dads, aunts and uncles willing to admit they sometimes want to pop other peoples' pests.
"My cousin has a 2-year-old whoalways asks for tea," says Anderson Young of Brooklyn. "But she doesn't really want it. She just takes the bottle and throws it out the window — and her mother just laughs."
"I used to work in day care, and the worst was the boy who went to the bathroom in the teacher's coat closet," says Katie, from the Bronx, who asked that her full name not be used. "We kept saying, 'What's that smell?' And then we found out." "Yesterday, when I went to pick up my daughter, my nephew, who's 2, said to me, 'Hey, s—,'" said a still-shocked Lisa Lee of Hollis. "I said, 'What did you say?' and he just laughed and skedaddled."
What's the solution? Though child psychologists prescribe firmness and consistency as a way to keep troublemakers from becoming tyrants, Frost has other suggestions for training not just kids but their parents, who think they need to emblazon every T-shirt and mug with their kid's likeness; who think it's hilarious when their kid sits on the cat; who think everyone wants to see the video of junior emerging from the womb.
In a word, says Frost, retaliate. Stand next to a store-screamer and scream at the top of your lungs. Trip the kid who keeps bumping into you "accidentally." Laminate your Pap smear and hang it on the fridge. Or photograph the Prada loafers you snagged at 80% off and share the snapshot with strangers.
But don't think it's enough to cleanse the soul of an unrepentant child-loather. "People with kids will say, 'You'll come around,' or 'You don't really hate kids, do you?'" says Hoffman.
"The answer is, Yes, I do."
How to deal
How do you tame the baby beast having a four-star meltdown when you're having a quiet dinner with your honey? Or the kid kicking you on the 13-hour flight to Tokyo? Or the one who left a load in his diaper while you're sniffing new perfumes at Bendel's? Some tips from the pros on how to tame them:
* Speak up, gently, but firmly: "I was at a pool years ago, and a little boy was dunking girls' faces in the water," says Alice Sterling Honig, professor emerita of child development at Syracuse University. "I told him to keep his hands to himself. He said, 'Lady, you're not the boss of the pool.' I said, 'Yes, I am. Grownups know the rules to keep you safe.'"
* Divert his attention: Faced with a child who can't stop crying and whining, talk to him — about SpongeBob, about the flowers in the park, about the puppy across the street, about anything but his tantrum. Honig saysit'll distract him from the kvetching. * Massage the meltdown: Freakouts usually mean a tired, overstressed child. "Sometimes, you can say, 'Gee, it's very hard to be with grownups,'" Honig says. In a restaurant, she'll even plop her big, old winter coat on the floor and suggest the weary whiner take a nap.
* Take it outside: You know her: The girl who feels a song coming on just as you're digging into your rare tuna. "Say to her, or her parents,'Do you think the other people in the restaurant want to hear your song? Or do they want to talk to each other?'" Honig says. "If she needs to sing, maybe Daddy can take her outside."
* Mommy sharing: If she knows kids are going to be squeezing onto the sofa with her and her friends, Honig brings out a dreidel and shows the tyke how to use it. And if the child still demands to be the focus of the conversation? "I turn to her and say, 'Alice has been playing with you and reading to you, and now I need to talk to Daddy for a while.'"
* Quit kicking: It's every traveler's nightmare: The kid behind you on the train or plane who won't stop kicking or slamming his tray table. You don't have to seethe and endure it. "I complain," says Manhattan child psychologist Constance Katz. "There's also the option of calling the stewardess. But short of a parent being willing to hold their feet down for the entire flight, it's not going to be a perfect solution."
* Set limits: Maybe you can't do it with other people's kids, but you can make yours more pleasant for other people. "There are very nice, well-meaning parents who are raising very tyrannical, imperious children because they can't tolerate making the child feel frustrated," Katz says. "They resolve not to do something and then weaken in the face of protest. And the more the parent holds out, the more the kid protests." Child's lesson learned: Have a meltdown in Kmart and you will get that new Birthday Bratz. And if you just want to have some harmless fun at the little monster's expense?
* Stare: Especially when they're running wild or laughing themselves silly, author Adrianne Frost suggests perfecting the art of the glare. "Don't avert your gaze until they back away slowly, and then cheerily go back to shopping," she says.
* Warn them: Away from the parents, beckon them over and tell them you'll call Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Grandma if they don't shape up. And remember, writes Frost, "Say it with a smile."
* Join in: If the child is screaming and squirming on the floor or clanging the shopping cart, stand next to him and let it rip. Sing at the top of your lungs! Lay on the ground next and scream! Whine that you want your youth back! Says Frost, "I guarantee, they'll be so confused, they'll stop what they're doing."
Originally published on February 27, 2006
I applaud your assitance to your niece. That's vey kind and honorable of you.
Thanks for the show.
Try Blantons. Have your niece bring it to you. :)
YES to the Bombay Sapphire, although I still remember how disappointed I was when I poured from the first bottle I purchased and found the glass was the pale blue color, not the gin itself. :)
vey=very
A woman came in with a boy around 7 years old. There also was a couple with them. Anyways the boy once seated immediately began acting up. He ended up screaming (not crying) and screaming very loudly. He paid no attention to his mother's pleas to be quiet. In fact, he slapped her in the face not once but several times. This went on and on. The manager came over to their table and gave the boy candy to keep quiet. Did not work. This boy continued to scream like a wild animal.
Do you think this mother removed this monster from the restaurant ... no. I guess she figured it was alright for her child to disrupt everyone's dinner. People started asking for take out boxes to get away from this brat. Sure ruined our dinner.
I should have known it would be a Presidio9 post. I like this lady. Just suffered through a terrible hour in church yesterday putting up with an insufferable little girl that belonged in the nursey. I blame her mother, not the little girl, btw.
So... they can be exchanged for something more appropriate?
"In fact, he slapped her in the face not once but several times."
Astonishing. I know I never did that to my mother, because I still have fingers.
My parents would let me have a glass of wine with dinner occasionally. Kind of took alcohol out of the "forbidden fruit" category.
I was stunned when I got to college at just how crazy some kids got when they first started drinking after having grown up with little exposure to alcohol.
And what does your wife do? I wouldn't take that from my Mom.
ROTFL!!!!!
I know what you mean. One of my best friends in high school was practicially phobic of any sort of alcohol. She went to college and just went nuts. She started missing classes because she was too hung over to get up in the morning. One of the last times I heard from her she was concerned because she had started having blackouts and waking up with strange men.
I'm pushin' 41. The handle's one I picked up in the Navy; one of my chiefs and I shared the same last name, and since he was senior to me, I became "Junior."
Not true at all. Only in recent history have people come to cherish their kids, and many cultures still don't. Ever heard of swaddling clothes? throughout most of history kids really were "seen but not heard."
It is a miracle, however to those who haven't the insight, like you seem not to have, this is the end of your parents neglect to inspire you to recollecting the microcasms of divinity. Go out in the country sometime, alone, and ask God to change your attitude, "Blessed are the children...."
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How much you wanna bet that these are the same people who not too long ago started calling the cops on parents for spanking their kids? Now they're living with the results and are complaining about that. Can't have it both way...
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