Posted on 02/27/2006 10:48:23 AM PST by presidio9
There are 2 billion children running around the planet and five new ones born every second. But don't expect any pink-and-blue congratulations from Adrianne Frost. In fact, the author and comedian would be just as happy if you took every little bugger and muzzled him — on the subway, in stores, in restaurants, churches, parks and, well, everywhere.
Treasonous? Exactly!
"You have every right not to like children who are ill-behaved," says Frost, who puts just about anyone under 3 feet tall in that category. "Just because they're children doesn't mean that it's okay for them to act the way they do. Throughout history, people have said they're a gift from God, but he doesn't have to eat dinner with them."
If it sounds like Frost isn't in the running for the Angelina Jolie mother-of-the-year award, she doesn't apologize. To the contrary, she's the author of the new book, "I Hate Other People's Kids" (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $9.95) and part of a vocal minority that believes children should be not-seen and not-heard. Especially when they're sitting behind you on a plane.
"I come from a place of intense, severe hatred of kids — I have no maternal instincts whatsoever," agrees comedian Jackie Hoffman, who has made child-loathing part of her act. "It's hard to explain to others because there is such a disgusting worship of kids. One of my friends still hates me because I kicked over her kid's stroller at a birthday party — and the kid wasn't even in it."
True, child worship is as old as gold, frankincense and myrrh. But Frost argues that it reached zealot proportions when baby boomers started procreating, treating their pregnancies like the Second Coming and flashing little Baby on Board signs on their cars. Who would dare think saints could misbehave?
"People used to discipline children more," says Hoffman. "But now this revolting love of them rules the world, this tiptoeing around and asking, 'What do you want?'"
What bugs baby-bashers? Frost counts the ways: Kids who throw tantrums in the aisles of Toys "R" Us or poop in the middle of Pizza Hut; kids who think they're brighter than Beethoven or sexier than Britney; kids who insist on singing in the middle of your romantic dinner-for-two or whining in the middle of your dinner party for 20. And all the parents who think they're totally adorable in their badness.
It's not just self-proclaimed loathers who get riled. Take a walk through the Manhattan Mall on any afternoon, and there's no shortage of moms and dads, aunts and uncles willing to admit they sometimes want to pop other peoples' pests.
"My cousin has a 2-year-old whoalways asks for tea," says Anderson Young of Brooklyn. "But she doesn't really want it. She just takes the bottle and throws it out the window — and her mother just laughs."
"I used to work in day care, and the worst was the boy who went to the bathroom in the teacher's coat closet," says Katie, from the Bronx, who asked that her full name not be used. "We kept saying, 'What's that smell?' And then we found out." "Yesterday, when I went to pick up my daughter, my nephew, who's 2, said to me, 'Hey, s—,'" said a still-shocked Lisa Lee of Hollis. "I said, 'What did you say?' and he just laughed and skedaddled."
What's the solution? Though child psychologists prescribe firmness and consistency as a way to keep troublemakers from becoming tyrants, Frost has other suggestions for training not just kids but their parents, who think they need to emblazon every T-shirt and mug with their kid's likeness; who think it's hilarious when their kid sits on the cat; who think everyone wants to see the video of junior emerging from the womb.
In a word, says Frost, retaliate. Stand next to a store-screamer and scream at the top of your lungs. Trip the kid who keeps bumping into you "accidentally." Laminate your Pap smear and hang it on the fridge. Or photograph the Prada loafers you snagged at 80% off and share the snapshot with strangers.
But don't think it's enough to cleanse the soul of an unrepentant child-loather. "People with kids will say, 'You'll come around,' or 'You don't really hate kids, do you?'" says Hoffman.
"The answer is, Yes, I do."
How to deal
How do you tame the baby beast having a four-star meltdown when you're having a quiet dinner with your honey? Or the kid kicking you on the 13-hour flight to Tokyo? Or the one who left a load in his diaper while you're sniffing new perfumes at Bendel's? Some tips from the pros on how to tame them:
* Speak up, gently, but firmly: "I was at a pool years ago, and a little boy was dunking girls' faces in the water," says Alice Sterling Honig, professor emerita of child development at Syracuse University. "I told him to keep his hands to himself. He said, 'Lady, you're not the boss of the pool.' I said, 'Yes, I am. Grownups know the rules to keep you safe.'"
* Divert his attention: Faced with a child who can't stop crying and whining, talk to him — about SpongeBob, about the flowers in the park, about the puppy across the street, about anything but his tantrum. Honig saysit'll distract him from the kvetching. * Massage the meltdown: Freakouts usually mean a tired, overstressed child. "Sometimes, you can say, 'Gee, it's very hard to be with grownups,'" Honig says. In a restaurant, she'll even plop her big, old winter coat on the floor and suggest the weary whiner take a nap.
* Take it outside: You know her: The girl who feels a song coming on just as you're digging into your rare tuna. "Say to her, or her parents,'Do you think the other people in the restaurant want to hear your song? Or do they want to talk to each other?'" Honig says. "If she needs to sing, maybe Daddy can take her outside."
* Mommy sharing: If she knows kids are going to be squeezing onto the sofa with her and her friends, Honig brings out a dreidel and shows the tyke how to use it. And if the child still demands to be the focus of the conversation? "I turn to her and say, 'Alice has been playing with you and reading to you, and now I need to talk to Daddy for a while.'"
* Quit kicking: It's every traveler's nightmare: The kid behind you on the train or plane who won't stop kicking or slamming his tray table. You don't have to seethe and endure it. "I complain," says Manhattan child psychologist Constance Katz. "There's also the option of calling the stewardess. But short of a parent being willing to hold their feet down for the entire flight, it's not going to be a perfect solution."
* Set limits: Maybe you can't do it with other people's kids, but you can make yours more pleasant for other people. "There are very nice, well-meaning parents who are raising very tyrannical, imperious children because they can't tolerate making the child feel frustrated," Katz says. "They resolve not to do something and then weaken in the face of protest. And the more the parent holds out, the more the kid protests." Child's lesson learned: Have a meltdown in Kmart and you will get that new Birthday Bratz. And if you just want to have some harmless fun at the little monster's expense?
* Stare: Especially when they're running wild or laughing themselves silly, author Adrianne Frost suggests perfecting the art of the glare. "Don't avert your gaze until they back away slowly, and then cheerily go back to shopping," she says.
* Warn them: Away from the parents, beckon them over and tell them you'll call Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Grandma if they don't shape up. And remember, writes Frost, "Say it with a smile."
* Join in: If the child is screaming and squirming on the floor or clanging the shopping cart, stand next to him and let it rip. Sing at the top of your lungs! Lay on the ground next and scream! Whine that you want your youth back! Says Frost, "I guarantee, they'll be so confused, they'll stop what they're doing."
Originally published on February 27, 2006
Sigh. Living in Ann Arbor seems to have beaten humor out of you. I remember that envrionment- everyone was perpetually indignant. Conservatives have a sense of humor. It's liberals who are offended by everything.
You really are a rather humorless individual, aren't you?
Living in the NORTH leaves people humorless. I know. I live here and everybody is mad all the time. sigh...
WHAT?! Children acting immature and childish?!! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!!!
First....I agree that some parents need to get a sitter and not take a child to an adult place.
second... Children are NOT short adults..their kids...and will probably act like them despite what their parents do.
third....Liberals and do gooders need to turn the other way when a parent spanks their child out in public instead of calling 9-1-1....that will take care of the tantrums in the isles.
fourth....What? are we going to outlaw kids next? Just because some anti's are annoyed or inconveinienced by them? Give me a break! This lady isn't funny she's retarded!
Huh? I find no support for that position in my experience. I was personally a very difficult child, and I have to work very hard to be patient with my own children behaving the same way. I can't stand it.
Where did you come up with your assertion?
Agree with that. My nephew recently had a birthday party and my sister and I were shocked by how rude and unruly the kids were. And that was with their parents standing right there.
Actually I did not scream back at them
Contradiction?
I was at Sprouts and had gotten irritated with my own children for opening the bulk food lids. I was on a bit of a roll when I saw two boys playing in the oatmeal I had just gotten my oatmeal from. He said, "I don't want any, I just like to play in it." I was so disgusted I pulled his arm away and said, "People eat that." He ran off and told the lady who was watching him that I had smacked his hand. Overhearing this I went up to the lady and told her what really happened. She was very apologetic and the boy's friend -- the lady's son -- gave the first boy a hard time for lying about me hitting him. Anytime I was within earshot I would hear the boy's friend say, "I can't believe you lied and said that lady hit you."
I've had excellent luck during my first half-century, thanks. What DID you mean by "aged child"? :)
One of the reasons we have less children these days. Kids used to be a financial benefit for a family. They provided free labor on the farm and they couldn't quit if they didn't like the working conditions. These days, kids cost a lot of money and have few real uses.
People who are offended by the idea that someone might have their kids mix drinks for them would probably faint at the amount of labor most children in the world today have to do.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It did occur to me....scary thought.
How is that a response to my post on how to mix a martini? Did you mean to respond to someone else??
Perhaps you are being defensive.
In my opinion parenting is the toughest, most challenging job in the world. My sister has four and I am very close to them, I couldn't love them more if they were my own. I also have four stepgrandkids that are my life. Kids are like adults, in that they are all different, and I don't know any experts (although, like you said, there's a lot who think they are, mostly childless ones)...
But I have also had a lot of experience with kids who are BRATS. Every kid I've ever known is better behaved when their parents aren't around. I babysit my brother's five year old stepdaughter often, and she is like that. She is just a wonderful kid when she's with someone else, but when she's with her Mom she's such a brat she is almost unbearable (to everyone who has dealt with her). I suspect it is because the parent chooses (because it takes less effort and she'd rather be her friend than a parent) to give in instead of standing her ground when rules are broken.
For this reason there are parents who have spoiled brat kids, that most people CRINGE when they see them coming.
Pitching the fit in front of kids when they pitch them in public really works. I suspect it is because they see how ridiculous they look, in fact the look on their faces says just that.
I love kids, and have many who love me, some would stay with me CONSTANTLY if they could. I am stern with them, not abusive, and as a result they show me respect (some of them show their parents extreme disrespect).
I have taken dozens of kids fishing, canoing, whitewater rafting, and to waterparks, etc. I tell them UP FRONT, that if I am to be responsible for their safety, they have to OBEY MY RULES. If they don't they will be taken home, immediately, handed to their parents and the parent will be informed why. And they won't get invited again.
They know I mean it, and only a few have tested me. These few were returned to their parents, and have not been invited again.
This author is right about one thing: If you want to raise a brat, that is your perogative. But the rest of society has no obligation to put with up with or cater to your creation.
My sense of humor doesn't delve into bad parenting and child abuse.
Sigh...I was just quoting another other post...
These are fun. Never having had kids I can only suppose I'd be a disciplinarian. The kind my kinds would hate. But I don't think parents are doing any favors to their children when they let them run wild and try to reason everything out.
Hope you're not expecting an apology; you'll be quite an aged child by the time that comes. ;-D
Children are God's most profound and perfect gift to the world. I feel sorry for all sorts of people, but I feel especially sorry for someone who can't love a child.
I see. So, in your opinion, having kids do some things to help around the house and teaching them math through a card game is child abuse?
And, before your high horse gives you splinters, let me point out that my niece's mother is a drug addict who ran off when my niece was a year old. Since then, my wife and I have taken up a substantial percentage of the load of taking care of her. So, call that 'bad parenting,' if you want.
Andy, you feel that sharp wooden protrusion in your lower area? It's a stick. Pull it out and try to have some fun.....
And yes it IS idiot day, you've got free tickets.
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