Posted on 02/27/2006 10:48:23 AM PST by presidio9
There are 2 billion children running around the planet and five new ones born every second. But don't expect any pink-and-blue congratulations from Adrianne Frost. In fact, the author and comedian would be just as happy if you took every little bugger and muzzled him — on the subway, in stores, in restaurants, churches, parks and, well, everywhere.
Treasonous? Exactly!
"You have every right not to like children who are ill-behaved," says Frost, who puts just about anyone under 3 feet tall in that category. "Just because they're children doesn't mean that it's okay for them to act the way they do. Throughout history, people have said they're a gift from God, but he doesn't have to eat dinner with them."
If it sounds like Frost isn't in the running for the Angelina Jolie mother-of-the-year award, she doesn't apologize. To the contrary, she's the author of the new book, "I Hate Other People's Kids" (Simon Spotlight Entertainment, $9.95) and part of a vocal minority that believes children should be not-seen and not-heard. Especially when they're sitting behind you on a plane.
"I come from a place of intense, severe hatred of kids — I have no maternal instincts whatsoever," agrees comedian Jackie Hoffman, who has made child-loathing part of her act. "It's hard to explain to others because there is such a disgusting worship of kids. One of my friends still hates me because I kicked over her kid's stroller at a birthday party — and the kid wasn't even in it."
True, child worship is as old as gold, frankincense and myrrh. But Frost argues that it reached zealot proportions when baby boomers started procreating, treating their pregnancies like the Second Coming and flashing little Baby on Board signs on their cars. Who would dare think saints could misbehave?
"People used to discipline children more," says Hoffman. "But now this revolting love of them rules the world, this tiptoeing around and asking, 'What do you want?'"
What bugs baby-bashers? Frost counts the ways: Kids who throw tantrums in the aisles of Toys "R" Us or poop in the middle of Pizza Hut; kids who think they're brighter than Beethoven or sexier than Britney; kids who insist on singing in the middle of your romantic dinner-for-two or whining in the middle of your dinner party for 20. And all the parents who think they're totally adorable in their badness.
It's not just self-proclaimed loathers who get riled. Take a walk through the Manhattan Mall on any afternoon, and there's no shortage of moms and dads, aunts and uncles willing to admit they sometimes want to pop other peoples' pests.
"My cousin has a 2-year-old whoalways asks for tea," says Anderson Young of Brooklyn. "But she doesn't really want it. She just takes the bottle and throws it out the window — and her mother just laughs."
"I used to work in day care, and the worst was the boy who went to the bathroom in the teacher's coat closet," says Katie, from the Bronx, who asked that her full name not be used. "We kept saying, 'What's that smell?' And then we found out." "Yesterday, when I went to pick up my daughter, my nephew, who's 2, said to me, 'Hey, s—,'" said a still-shocked Lisa Lee of Hollis. "I said, 'What did you say?' and he just laughed and skedaddled."
What's the solution? Though child psychologists prescribe firmness and consistency as a way to keep troublemakers from becoming tyrants, Frost has other suggestions for training not just kids but their parents, who think they need to emblazon every T-shirt and mug with their kid's likeness; who think it's hilarious when their kid sits on the cat; who think everyone wants to see the video of junior emerging from the womb.
In a word, says Frost, retaliate. Stand next to a store-screamer and scream at the top of your lungs. Trip the kid who keeps bumping into you "accidentally." Laminate your Pap smear and hang it on the fridge. Or photograph the Prada loafers you snagged at 80% off and share the snapshot with strangers.
But don't think it's enough to cleanse the soul of an unrepentant child-loather. "People with kids will say, 'You'll come around,' or 'You don't really hate kids, do you?'" says Hoffman.
"The answer is, Yes, I do."
How to deal
How do you tame the baby beast having a four-star meltdown when you're having a quiet dinner with your honey? Or the kid kicking you on the 13-hour flight to Tokyo? Or the one who left a load in his diaper while you're sniffing new perfumes at Bendel's? Some tips from the pros on how to tame them:
* Speak up, gently, but firmly: "I was at a pool years ago, and a little boy was dunking girls' faces in the water," says Alice Sterling Honig, professor emerita of child development at Syracuse University. "I told him to keep his hands to himself. He said, 'Lady, you're not the boss of the pool.' I said, 'Yes, I am. Grownups know the rules to keep you safe.'"
* Divert his attention: Faced with a child who can't stop crying and whining, talk to him — about SpongeBob, about the flowers in the park, about the puppy across the street, about anything but his tantrum. Honig saysit'll distract him from the kvetching. * Massage the meltdown: Freakouts usually mean a tired, overstressed child. "Sometimes, you can say, 'Gee, it's very hard to be with grownups,'" Honig says. In a restaurant, she'll even plop her big, old winter coat on the floor and suggest the weary whiner take a nap.
* Take it outside: You know her: The girl who feels a song coming on just as you're digging into your rare tuna. "Say to her, or her parents,'Do you think the other people in the restaurant want to hear your song? Or do they want to talk to each other?'" Honig says. "If she needs to sing, maybe Daddy can take her outside."
* Mommy sharing: If she knows kids are going to be squeezing onto the sofa with her and her friends, Honig brings out a dreidel and shows the tyke how to use it. And if the child still demands to be the focus of the conversation? "I turn to her and say, 'Alice has been playing with you and reading to you, and now I need to talk to Daddy for a while.'"
* Quit kicking: It's every traveler's nightmare: The kid behind you on the train or plane who won't stop kicking or slamming his tray table. You don't have to seethe and endure it. "I complain," says Manhattan child psychologist Constance Katz. "There's also the option of calling the stewardess. But short of a parent being willing to hold their feet down for the entire flight, it's not going to be a perfect solution."
* Set limits: Maybe you can't do it with other people's kids, but you can make yours more pleasant for other people. "There are very nice, well-meaning parents who are raising very tyrannical, imperious children because they can't tolerate making the child feel frustrated," Katz says. "They resolve not to do something and then weaken in the face of protest. And the more the parent holds out, the more the kid protests." Child's lesson learned: Have a meltdown in Kmart and you will get that new Birthday Bratz. And if you just want to have some harmless fun at the little monster's expense?
* Stare: Especially when they're running wild or laughing themselves silly, author Adrianne Frost suggests perfecting the art of the glare. "Don't avert your gaze until they back away slowly, and then cheerily go back to shopping," she says.
* Warn them: Away from the parents, beckon them over and tell them you'll call Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Grandma if they don't shape up. And remember, writes Frost, "Say it with a smile."
* Join in: If the child is screaming and squirming on the floor or clanging the shopping cart, stand next to him and let it rip. Sing at the top of your lungs! Lay on the ground next and scream! Whine that you want your youth back! Says Frost, "I guarantee, they'll be so confused, they'll stop what they're doing."
Originally published on February 27, 2006
After a couple of times of enforcing what I had promised all it took was just "the look".
A person after my own heart! We used the same technique! I also used "the voice" when speaking my daughter's name!
You still don't get it.
If I don't think like you on this position, you insult me and call names.
Are you so mentally deficient that you can't understand that?
As for commands, I didn't give any. Love the neighbor as yourself. Blame Jesus -- kids are people, too.
Why MUST I like what you like?
**************
I agree with you. I have no problem with anyone not liking children. I do have a problem with some of the behaviour the author described:
One of my friends still hates me because I kicked over her kid's stroller at a birthday party — and the kid wasn't even in it." and
Trip the kid who keeps bumping into you "accidentally."
It is possible she was exaggerating for the purpose of humour, however.
Oh boy, the smartest "sage" in the room.
Go write that on the wall of a stall.
In my experience that places you in the category of people who are mostly likely to give parental advice. I've noticed that it's never the parents who have all the answers, but always the person (usually female) with no children of his/her own, but who's been exposed to children just enough to know it all.
Let's be real, you can't go around knocking down anyone, that's called assault.
Usually, I tell the little brat that I'm an evil demon and if he doesn't shut up, I'm gonna turn his momma into a toad or something.
They run.
I understand you better than you understand yourself. You are either: 1) Unlucky in love (i.e. a geek), 2) a pseudo-intellectual current or future graduate student, or 3)a wannabe hipster who is too cool to admit pleasure in anything as "common" as children.
Which is it?
Actually, "the look" is very effective with adults as well. Usually if the little monsters are acting up, I give "the look" to the parent instead. Amazingly, the parent then steps up.
I should have said all caregivers I guess. It's an amazing testament to the intelligence of small children to witness the change in their behavior under differing sources of authority.
And I understand you completely, You are: 1. a know it all with no knowledge, 2. a wannabe Stalin, 3. Someone who had a kid and thinks that now you have corned all the intelligence of the universe simply because you have one.
Which is it?
***********
LOL!
It's true, I positively love the look of terror they get when they think they're gonna have to take mommy home in a shopping bag.
Possibly. It was over an incident with another child, and one them caused it. Having not been there personally at the confrontation, I have no idea which child's story is really true. I'm not one to instantly assume my kid is innocent, so you're barking up the wrong tree there. The other parent was guilty of that particular sin.
Be honest about it, if you kid p*ssed someone off enough to cause that commotion, maybe you deserved some jail time.
My kid did come out on top, and that did indeed piss that parent off enough to threaten me. I gave him the opportunity to make good on his threat and he came up short. End of story.
Either way, it couldn't happen today. I make a greater effort to avoid violence, and I now carry a gun. Just carrying the gun alone means I can't engage in a fist fight without going to jail for a long, long time.
#86 -- ah, yes. What's the old saying, "I was a much better parent before I had children."
I think we have new tagline material here.
"Usually, I tell the little brat that I'm an evil demon and if he doesn't shut up, I'm gonna turn his momma into a toad or something. "
OK, I admit, I did something similar. I got very tired of a little girl using the WWII memorial as a sliding board (the part for the fallen troops) so I told her that she was sliding on the soldiers' grave and if she didn't stop, their ghosts would follow her home. She stopped.
"You know, I've noticed that most ill-behaved children have ill-behaved parents."
All kids are ill-behaved once in awhile, even those with the best of parents. I would venture to say that the vast majority of parents do NOT think it's cute, and are desperately trying to curb the bad behavior without causing a major scene.
Granted, there are some really bad kids and some really bad parents, but there are also some grown-ups who think that the world revolves around them and that they are entitled to every experience, whether it be their dinner at Pizza Hut or their 45 minutes on an airplane, going exactly their way.
I once had a woman turn around and F me on a flight because my baby was crying-meanwhile rows of seats in other parts of the plane sat empty but rather than move she opted to scream at me while I desperately tried to quiet and comfort my child. At least kids have the excuse that they are not yet capable of always controlling their behavior. IMO many adults are every bit as ill-behaved as children, what's their excuse?
That's a thread in and of itself. I've noticed that underneath the surface of most geeks is a very angry and hateful person. The governmetn should give me a grant to find out why.
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